What is the best way to "get trust back" into a relationship when your spouse has had an online pre-romance?

Question

He never saw the chick nor met her. So he doesn't even know what she looked like! Just an exchange of ph numbers and a few short conversations on the phone, but I caught him by archiving his instant messages. He was im-ing her behind my back. I would walk into the room and he would immediately sign off. So anyway I keep thinking about it and can't get it out of my mind. He says he is very sorry, he would never want to hurt me. He even got sick and cried. Any ideas that will get this out of my head???

Answer 1

Wow! That's not an easy one, honey. I don't think I could get past it either, even though nothing happenned, it would still be in the back of my head too! I guess sometimes you have to draw a line. For instance, when I go out with the girls for a night out w/out hubby, I enjoy talking with other men. But, it's harmless, I do enjoy the conversation and flirtation, but I know that is healthy for any woman. Now, here's the difference... I don't go out looking for it or take their phone numbers home with me and have private conversations. That's clearly stepping over that line. I love my husband and could never even picture doing anything intimate with anyone else. I think you need to seriously consider what his intentions were. Maybe what he was doing was harmless too, but if he is willing to give out his phone number and chat with her, that is a sign of taking the next step in my opinion. And, the reason he immediately signs off when you catch him IM'ing her online, is a sure sign of guilt! He knows in his mind he is doing something wrong, otherwise he wouldn't have to hide it. Personally, I would never be able to forgive because it would haunt me, but that's me and I am a "ain't gonna take that sh!t type of person." However, you may want to see a marriage counselor to see what the best choice is for you to move forward and past this. I wish you all the best. My heart goes out to you. Good luck. LOL.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Short answer, Time

Long Answer,

You have to believe he is the man you want him to be. You want closure you want to be sure this isn't a repeating behavior but he can't give you any of that. He doesn't know how to tell you these things so that you will trust him.

There are two ways to get around this one is to talk a lot candidly and set some guidelines and hope he will follow through with everything he promises. The second is to access a relationship counsellor who is skilled at dragging these issues out into the light for inspection.

Hope that helps.

Answer 4

I talk from experience. Just be glad you were smart enough and cared about your marriage to discover it before it escalated into something else. I know of one couple whose marriage was unstable for several years and they slept in seperate bedrooms. Their marriage had NO passion and he said she felt more like a sister than a wife and supposingly his wife was so ignorant and thought all was fine on the homefront because things were the same for years. They were married for 38 years and all it was, was a habit when both were not really happy so he persued the relationship with this woman online and they really love each other but he was sad when he had to go to court to end his marriage of that many years so be glad you saw him and cared enough to confront him. Your marriage still has potential and I don't think he'll do it again if you both are creative enough to stir up that old passion again? Trust me, I know what I'm saying.

Answer 5

In my opinion once trust that has been broken, especially by cheating, it is very hard to get back. He was talking to another woman behind your back. Just because they never ment doesn't mean it wasn't cheating. I am sorry but I wouldn't be able to accept that. I mean obviously something is wrong or he wouldn't be looking elsewhere. I wouldn't be able to let it go. It would always be in the back of my mind somewhere. Especially if he was on the computer! I would be wondering if he was talking to other women again. I would probably want to check his computer to see if he had been doing anything wrong. That's just no way for me to live! I wouldn't want to have those kind of feelings! Trust is the key, without it what do you have??

Answer 6

IM relationships are common; they are usually only emotional affairs with no physical meetings. But this one went to the point of exchanging phone numbers. That does not mean it necessarily would have gone further. If he is willing to demonstrate his apology by trashing the phone number then I would not worry about it; IM affairs involving no physical presence are common, and usually don't go anywhere.

Answer 7

18 months ago me and my partner went through a very similar situation- he was flirting with a co worker and when everything came out into th light it tore our relationship apart. but we loved eachother and didn't want to give up- we worked on it- couples counseling, weekly dates, several deep and difficult discussions on whether we really should be together and why things weren't working- and only now do i feel like i can really trust him- it took months-- and because we were both willing to put in the work it took we are back together- totally in love and happy
you and your guy need to have some very open very frank discussions- notice i said discussions not blame sessions or emotional freakouts- he's doing this for a reason and when you can find that reason you can address it. guys chat online often as another version - an interactive version- of porn, but the fact that he got her number and then called her a few times shows this was as you said "pre romance"- perhaps he was testing himself to see if he could cheat on you- and perhaps he was in the planning stages of cheating on you before you caught him- but really, only he can tell you that.
if he's just throwing out the "i'm sorry- i'll never do it again" lines- he's not really understanding what a breach of trust this was- he's not sorry he did it- he's sorry he got caught-
again- the only way you're going to get this out of your mind is to understand why he did it and figure out how you'll address it- are there problems in your relationship/ sex life that have festered and are driving you apart? if so, you have to work through them with brutal honesty. i'd suggest couples counseling or at least working through one of the following book recomended to us by our counselor- they are amazing and helped my boyfriend and i recreate our relationship into something that gives both of us what we need from a realationship.
"Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix this comes with a workbook- and its realy good...
good luck- and remember- BOTH of you need to work on this- this is a problem with the relationship- not you- not him- if only one of you is carrying the wieght of trying to work on your relationship- you'll soon resent each other, compounding the problem.
I wish you happiness~

Answer 8

get over it... in the msg's did they discuss meeting? or anything?... taking the computer out of the house will solve nothing because I am sure he will get access some place else if he wants..... If they never talked about having sex or meeting or never did then move on.... he cried got sick and said sorry take it with a grain of salt and have your relationship

Answer 9

You are insecure and need to forgive him. The goal of life is to grow spiritually. Read about the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians. First get the rod out of your own eye so that you can see to get the thorn out of his eye. Everyone makes mistakes. Find out what he needs from you so he won't want to look for it elsewhere. Improve on your mutual communication.

Answer 10

Go do things together. Get out of the house and get your mind on something else. Time is the only thing that will heal this.