I am in a verbally abusive relationship. I keep getting told that I am the person dishing out the abuse.?

Question

If I am, in fact the person dishing out the abuse I would like to know. The person I am involved with will call me horrible things and yell and overtalk me and blame me for everything and threaten to leave me places. I feel terrible about myself because where I am in life, but that does not mean I am awful to someone else it means I am not excited to get up ans start my day. I would like to figure out how to clarify that I am or am not showing up with abusive behavior. The denial of abusive behavior on his part is very worrysome. If I am doing something I want to make sure I know what it is and then either fix it or leave. He wants to blame everything on me and say I am causing any maladjusted behavoir he is exhibiting - including isolating me from friends, calling me names, telling me I am lame and incompetant and uncapable. I won't elaborate. What do I do to ENSURE I am not being abusive. This pattern is too much to handle. Maybe it is time to walk away. Help?

Answer 1

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Your question displays good writing skills and clear thinking. Hence, you are NOT incompetent NOR uncapable. All romantic relationships point toward marriage. Marriage is a bonding of help mates, people who help each other. Your current bf is NOT helping you by calling you names that do not apply. This is grounds enough for you to leave him.

Being constantly subjected to abuse damages the psyche and the soul. I commend you for wanting to consider your own faults. But you should really do this after you have removed the external abuse from your life.

Leave this person.

Take a deep breath for 2 weeks.

Then evaluate your own faults and cupability.

Good luck.

.

Answer 2

well, considering i don't know you or see the behaviors you display firsthand, i suggest taking a critical look at your own actions. i am not saying this is the case, by any means, but there is the chance that you are both verbally abusing each other. you know the saying, "it takes two"....

ok, but TOO many times the abuser is really abusing the person & being even more abusive by blaming the other. so, it is really hard to disipher between the two.

before just walking away, i suggest seeking counseling from a professional. your other spouse must be willing to participate to better the relationship. otherwise, it wont work. good luck.

Answer 3

Of-course he is not going to take the blame. That is just another way to beat you down. That is another form of being mental abusive to you. He is trying to make you think you are not capable of having a great relationship because of your actions, when is all you are doing is defending yourself.
I bet I can almost describe your personality........You are very Passive, Loving, care about what people think, You have a big heart. He sees you as a week female that he can Bully around. I bet he was a rebellious child. He is taking away your identity. Get out before he really convinces you that you are nothing. He is selfish, disrespectful and just down right mean. He will not ever change, he will just get worse.
Just know this. You are only treated the way you ALLOW people to treat you. You don't see your friends because YOU stopped seeing them. He is not your Dad and relationships are 50/50. You are your own person and if you allow him to control you by manipulation then you are missing out on all things that are important in life. Do something for yourself and get away from him. God Bless.

Answer 4

First of all, get counseling. He/She will be able to tell you better than we can if you are displaying any abusive patterns. While it doesn't sound like you are the abuser (he is) we obviously don't know the whole story.

And I would say no matter what, it's time to end this relationship. Whether or not you are abusive doesn't matter when he is. Which, more than likely, is just a bad excuse. Most abusive men blame the woman for their behavior. They tell them "If you were a better wife/cook/housekeeper, etc... I wouldn't have to correct your behavior" and similar insults.

Answer 5

Darling I garantee this, this man is abusing you, these are absolutely CLASSIC signs of it. The abuser may say to his victim "I wouldn't have done this if you were __________(prettier, nicer, not abusing me first, giving me more sex, letting me do your friend, ETC ad naseum). The abuser will turn everything around to suit their needs, your needs are absolutely immaterial in an abusive relationship. Please contact a womens shelter near you and ask to speak to one of the counselors so that you can start making an "escape plan" and make arrangements to protect yourself and any assets you can. When leaving an abusive relationship, a woman iis in the most dangerous position of her life and must be able to secure a place to live. If you are being physically abused, waste no time, leave now, if its verbal, you may have time to enact a plan to leave, please avail yourself of the help available to you and get away from this man before he kills you or severly injures you. No there is no cure for this until you leave. At which point he may try to kill you or may "suffer" and come to understand how much you mean to him and he'll never do it again. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM, if you return, you will go through a "honeymoon" and then it will return, even worse than before. By which time, your family and friends will be tired of the drama and not in contact and no help to you. Leave, he is not going to get better. How interesting they turn it on the victim though.......totally classic! Good luck my dear!

Answer 6

I would suggest you walk away. Keeping you away from your friends, disrespectng you, verbally abusing you is beyond control. Shows that your partner is a jack a*s, along with a being a very unstable person. He probably hides his inferiority complex by dishing out on you. Maybe you are more educated or smarter than him. Maybe you are in a much better position in life than him. Or maybe you are loads better looking them him. Whatever it may be, its quite evident, he is taking his fustrations out on you. You have to tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with you. And you are a good, competent and decent human being who deserves compassion and care rather than neglect from her partner. Maybe in desperation, you lash out and he makes it an excuse for further blaming you. Your behaviour is normal for a person being treated like dirt. You know the old saying goes 'Sticks and stones may break my bones...but names will never hurt me'. Well! I am telling you from personal experience that sometimes names can hurt as hell and its much better to walk away while you can instead of taking abuse day after day.
My final suggestion for you would be that sit him down, have a serious heart-to-heart with him, suggest going to a psychiatrist, or just sharing both of your differences. If all fails, by all means, leave him and find joy somewhere else. An old chinese proverb goes something like that 'And don't let life live you out, rather live life as you want'. I hope this can help you in your troubles.

Answer 7

Okay hunny ready?.... this is how all abusive relationships are they start out verbally then get worse.... the reason he is making you feel the way you do is so that he can have control over you an make you feel like you can not find someone better then him.. You need to get rid of his *** before he ends up hurting you seriously or even killing you..... because it never just stays verbal abuse..... Forget him and find someone that will love you an want you for you and respect you...

Answer 8

I was in the same pattern. I had 2 relationships that way. The only thing I brought onto myself was the stupidity of staying with such losers. Yes, you are bringing the abuse onto yourself because you keep letting it happen. Stop it now. Get out and stay single to find out who you are and what you want. You don't deserve for someone to call you names and degrade you. You're speaking you mind, right or wrong, those are you feelings and if he loved you, he'd respect that and listen to them and then you two would try to find a solution to the problem. Simple as that. Walk away from him before you dig yourself a deeper hole.

Answer 9

That is the classic behavior of an abuser..."Blame the abused" He is obviously a jerk and why you haven't left is beyond me. maybe you are financially dependent upon him!!

before you can work on your self-esteem you have to get out of that relationship. You will never better yourself by remaining their. I pray to GOD that you don't have children with this man b/c they are being effected by his behavior as well.

I have a friend that is married to a man that is physically and verbally abusive to her and basically she had to up and leave him with the clothes on her back. She lived with her mother until she could get a place of her own.

I suggest you start making secret provisions to leave and please remember.....He will beg you not to go and beg you to come back. Don't believe him, he just will miss the fact that he know longer has a verbal punching bag. Leave and don't look back.

Answer 10

If you're the one suffering from it then why do you want to know what it is that you're doing to the other person? Why does it matter? Regardless of who's doing what to whom, it is the person that is the one doing it to the other person that's at fault, not any type of behavior that the one is doing that makes it OK for the other to abuse them. If that person isn't understanding you in some sort of way or isn't really hearing you, they have better ways to go about handling that than to treat you in that way. They're just looking for justification, that's all.