Advice on how to gain respect from a disrespectful 11 year old daughter?

Question

I have an 11 year old daughter who has developed a new habit of disrespecting me. She talks back to me, doesn't do chores, ignores me when I'm calling her, and makes comments such as "Are you always such a nag?" on a daily basis. I have never spanked my daughter and do not find that an option. I have been a single mother throughout her life and have tried to provide her with all that she needs. I am going through a difficult time trying to gain control back in the household. Do you have any advice on how I can remedy the disrespectful attitude?

Answer 1

My brother and his wife had a sweet little girl, who as she turned 12 turned into a little viperous witch who backtalked her Mom, pushed every button, bragged about getting her way with her parents and so on. Finally, after a particularly bad run at it, my brother said "Thats it" and removed her from the room she had that she shared with the baby of the family (4 yo) and made her sleep in another room, without her things. Made her ask to come into the baby's room to get her things, made her knuckle under so hard they got control back. She comes home from school, goes STRAIGHT to her homework, then her chores, then she gets to go to her "new" room (with the twins) and can't talk on the phone to ANYONE, can't go on the interent. She must "earn" her privilages back one by one. The transformation is stunning. All the sudden she knows yes mam and no sir and is back to behaving kindly. I thought it was a little drastic, but then again, the girl was going tootally the wrong way and needed some shock to get her attention. Her parents now have her undivided attention. Don't know if this helps, but shutting down the gravy train is the first step I would take. After all, why would you reward bad behavior? Good luck, I hope you can get her turned around!

Answer 2

I have the exact same problem, same circumstances. She is an only child, 11 and disrespecting me. My mom thinks I should have her checked for ADD, her dad has it.
Every since we moved, I haven't been able to take anything away from her. Before, I used to ground her at home, she couldn't play with friends and she hated that. Now we're in a new town and she doesn't have any friends outside of school around here.
I do believe it will get worse the older she gets. I'm considering more parenting classes because this cannot continue!

Answer 3

At 11, she may not have the maturity to remember to take showers on her own. A daily reminder may be a good idea. It's hard to advise you on the other issues though because without the fathers full cooperation you won't get anywhere. When she asks him something, he should ask if she already asked you and what you said. She needs to be accountable for her actions and have consequences both positive and negative. Negative consequences should not be over the top like spankings or yelling unless the situation is so terrible it warrants it. Be sure to cool off before you address her because being hot headed will not improve her respect for her. (Not saying you are hot-headed). Set small measurable goals at first and reward her for her participation even if she isn't perfect about it. She needs your patience because at 11 she is just at door to her teen years and things will only get worse. Consider getting family counseling. Placing blame or being bitter will only make things worse, not better. Good luck.

Answer 4

My first question to her would be 'who do you think you are talking to?' and look her straight in the eye unwavering until she answers. Never allow your child to speak to you in a disrespectful manner - inter-family teasing is one thing, insolence is another. I personally am a proponent of corporal punishment because it works and it works right away. Every child is different and some may respond to the 'reasonable discussion', but in my experience, 11 year olds don't have enough life experience and empathy to fully grasp the effects of their behavior. The consequences must affect them directly for the message to get through. I have a 12 year old daughter who is rarely disrespectful, but when she is, the stern 'talk' is sufficient (but I would certainly spank her if there wasn't immediate improvement). Part of 'providing your daughter with what she needs' is to provide discipline and structure. Discipline is not easy to enforce or maintain, but that's your job as a parent. She speaks to you that way because you let her. I am appalled at the number of responses to similar questions that advocate reversing the behavior - to me that demonstrates a horrible example to a child. I would never want my children to even be able to imagine their mother being lazy or apathetic. Our job is to show them what right looks like and give them examples to strive for.

Answer 5

I do not have enough posts to rate her answer but go with Catherine B's answer. It is the best so far. She is at the perfect age to be testing you, do not allow it. As parents it is our job to guide our children on the right path. Sitting her down and speaking with her when you are both calm, letting her know that disrespectful words and rudeness is not allowed in your home, and follow up with consequences for inappropriate behaviour.

Good luck!

Answer 6

u r the mother.im an eleven yr old daughter,and my mom is a single mom,and i would never talk back to her like that. i dont believe spanking would help anyway. u should sit her down and tell her that behavior like that is unacceptable.but if she only acts out like that every once in awhile then u dont have to worry.she is a preteen and she wants control.but u have to remember that u have to treat her respect so she will how to treat u. maybe u could give her more responsibility and treat her more grown up. good luck and i bet it is just a phase.hetty,age 11

Answer 7

First of all, ignore the "spank her butt" posts; that will erode any respect there is and you'll feel horrible.

Rebellion is natural and pre-adolescents test their limits. She needs and believe it or not wants your rules and love. With my now 13 year old daughter, I apply "natural consequences" discipline. For example, if the dirty clothes are on her bedroom floor instead of in the hamper, they don't get washed and she has to wear something else. I just close her bedroom door and don't stress about it. If she was nasty to me, I simply said "No one speaks to me like that" and walked away. If the nastiness persisted, I would not do whatever she wanted like a ride to friend's house or to have a friend over. In real life, people don't do favors for people who are disrespectful or rude, so me refusing to do her a favor is a natural consequence of her behavior. If she wants to have a disgusting dirty bathroom, then let her. Just don't let her use your nice clean one and don't change her sheets or wash her towels. Respect is a two way street. You have to give it to get it. You need to nip this in the bud and deal with it now, before she can drive and do what she wants when she wants.

Answer 8

spank her! It is an option and it's not child abuse. Use a powerful "I'm in control" voice with her. She has to know you mean what you say too. If you tell her she'll get time out if she does it again, stick with it. Children will do what they can get away with.

Answer 9

hey

well she is spoiled! have you ever gheard of a timeout chair use that and why she is acting like that might be that kids at school are teasing her or that she wants you ateion and that you give her to many things do you ever fined that you are out at the mall and she will say she wants things????? well if she does do not let her oh and spainking your child if they are realy bad is ok that happed to me before and i turned out just fine well i hope that helps

oh ya do not yell at her all the time.

Answer 10

The problem is that you are letting the child run you instead of you running the child. Your child has no respect for you because you don't discipline her. You don't have to beat your child to death but you do need to let her know who the parent is. You better get her under control now because the longer you allow her to get away with this kind of behavior the worst it will become. No child of mine would ever get away with talking to me like that.