DOES HE HAVE the right to be ANGRY?

Question

My soon to be ex husband was telling people that he moved out because I was a bad mother. When I told him, "OK, fine, you can have the kids and I will see them on every other weekend" he says that he didn't mean that. He is now angry with me because I have told the same people that the real reason that he moved was to be with another woman, who he invited to his birthday party (of course I didn't attend and neither did the kids). He is now angry because I exposed his deeds and he has lostythe respect of some of his friends. I say, can't pay, don't play. He apparently had no respect for me when he invited his "woman" to party that included mutual friends. He says that no one would have known that she was other than a friend if I hadn't said something. Am I missing something here?

stacey- My friend, a psyhiatrist, says that kids will always forgive the dad no matter what he does, particularly the girls. I have to forward your response to add to her data.

There is nothing here indicating a continuing "war." Where are people reading this stuff?

Answer 1

You're right on!

He is being extremely selfish. Not only does he think he can cheat on you and break up your family, but he thinks he can do it without suffering any negative consequences. AND he thinks he can do it with you covering for him! Oh no, no, no!

However, do make sure that your children aren't dragged into the middle of your sparring. As wrong as your husband is, and as much as you might hate him right now, please don't do or say anything to the kids to make them think their father is a bad man. Not that you would, or are, doing such things...I only say this because I've seen many divorced women do this unintentionally, and it tends to mess up the kids.

Answer 2

Does he have the right to be angry? Sure he does! He has the right to set his pants on fire too! Should you care if he's angry? I don't think so? I say if you can play you can pay! But, my dear, I would caution you to stop this silly childish game of tit for tat. Its unhealthy for your children especially and demeans both of you. While the temptation is great to bring an exiting spouse down a peg or two in the proceedings or to make oneself feel a bit better, in the end, your kids will pay the price of all the character assination. Rise above it and just because he does, doesn't mean you have to respond in kind. In the long run, you will come out ahead and your children will realize who is the better person. They will learn his lies as time goes by and there is no need to make them feel the pain of parents infidelities and cheating, it will only make them feel bad about themselves (half their gene pool comes from each of you). I think, though, you made you point very well, and while I am sure it felt good when you did it, I think you can see in the end, was it really worth it when you count up the true costs? You sound like a nice lady, show everyone else you really are and don't stoop to his lower base levels again! Good luck!

Answer 3

I agree with you can't pay don't play!! You definitely have a lot of anger towards your soon to be ex. You have every right to be. I really don't think he has a right to be angry it is his mistress and to have her at his birthday party as just a friend, come on. What a loser!! Not to mention you are still married. You just exposed him for not being the perfect husband and he has flaws. He's trying to dump on you that it is all your fault the marriage didn't work and he's perfect. Well guess what darling he's not!! So you exposed him and he's mad. Does he have a right to be, NO!! He's the one messing around and not to mention bringing her around under false pretenses. Good for you to expose him!! Stay strong during this time in your life and time will make it better!! =)

Answer 4

I think I'm with you on this one. Why shouldn't people know she's more than a friend? Why is he so ashamed of her, or himself? and if he wants to accuse you of being a bad mother, which is a subjective thing, why keep quiet about something that is a fact.

On the otherhand it's a shame to get bogged down in a massive slagging match. Perhaps in a quiet moment, when you are not feeling too upset (which may be tricky) you should speak to your husband and suggest that you both avoid throwing accusations around to your mutual friends and just say the relationship broke down. For your children's sake if nothing else.

Answer 5

Of course he's going to be angry because the only reason he lied to begin with is to hide the truth. If he is hiding the truth from others, he cares about what they think. He knows what he is doing is wrong and he doesn't want others to see him for his wrong doing. His pride, which has now been bruised, is lashing out on you. If you were truthful because you were standing up for yourself, you had every right to tell them. It's like they were the judges of your actions and you have a right to your side of the story. Just don't allow his infidelity to become the topic of every discussion. You can even try to talk to him and tell him he made a mistake and move on from there. You want to be able to live a better life now. Don't bash each other for your sakes and your childrens. Remember it takes two - so even if he's not on board with you about moving on, you can just ignore his claims and outbursts (like you would a stubborn, selfish child).

Answer 6

No he doesn't have the right to be angry with you! Your husband was at fault for spreading lies around. You only came forward to defend yourself and let everyone know that you are not a bad mother. A word of advise from someone who has lived through their parents divorce, the more that you and your husband argue even after the divorce, the more that your children will be affected. I know it can be hard to be civil specially when the break-up is not your fault but for your children's sake at least don't let them know you are arguing. Good luck!

Answer 7

The dismemberment of a marriage, is also the dismantling of years of good happy emotions. There is a lot of pain involved (on both sides) and with that... people will hurt the other in an effort not to be hurt 1st. Accept the fact that you are hurting, and will be hurt.

Also accept the fact that your "mutual friends" will start to pick a side. If you try to "sway them away" you'll lose them. For the act of "dissing your husband" is just as bad as his affair. Relax and let you friends pick thier side on thier own. Mind you, feel free to edit his comments and let them know what the TRUTH is. (just like you did).

Also don't listen to his hurtful comments. I know you can't help it, but they are just meant to hurt. There is little or no truth in what he says at this point.

Answer 8

hey! Good calling his bluff and refusing to cover for him anymore. He should be angry, but only at himself. NOT YOU! He may not have wanted friends to know about his gf, but he had no business saying you are a bad mother, and should have foreseen you defending yourself. What ever happened to just saying "personal reasons"??sheesh.Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too!
Guess he forgot that nothing in life is free... and now he is pissed that his bad choices are getting exposed, and SURPRISE! there might be some consequences for those choices!!! and the consequence might be loss of respect from friends and family.
This sounds messy, sorry you and your kids have to go through this.I'll keep ya in my prayers. -dd

Answer 9

I can understand why the two of you are in the process of divorce. This is no longer a game of who is right and who is wrong. Divorce will bring out the worst in everyone and make people react in neurotic ways. Quit keeping score or this could go on for years. Be civil for the kids sake and if this is his true colors, then your mutual friends will figure it out without you telling them so. Don't berate your friends, they are not as blind as you may think.

The guilty party will always try to justify their guilt. Divorce happens every second in this country and surrounding parties will eventually know the truth without one single input from yourself.

You guys sound like you are in an all out war and are even using the kids as weapons. Before you react to him, stop and try to see the pain you are causing them. I went through this with my mother when my parents divorced. She was always trying to settle scores, by using us as weapons. It all back-fired on her because my brothers and I went to live with our Dad to escape the turmoil. You see, our Dad never tried to critcize her for her behavior and his focus was on us, instead of revenge and incessant criticism. We wanted some peace and that is how we resolved it, by getting away from her misery. Yes, the divorce was because of our Dad's inability to remain faithful, but that didn't matter. He never put us in a position to take sides and that was important to our mental health.

Answer 10

^5,,to you. Don't let him blame his affair on you. He had a choice and he took her. The only thing is don't hurt the children in the middle of the battle. The only thing your missing is him being a jerk. PPL are probably not believing his lies,because if you were a bad mother why did he leave the kids behind?