Why doesn't my husband instigate sex with me?

Question

We have been married for about 5 years now. The past 3 years, it has been me going to him for sex, but I have stopped going to him. I want him to come to me, to want me. He rarely hugs or kisses me, and when he does kiss me, it is a little peck on the lips. I am a blunt person, I tell it like it is, so he knows my feelings about his lack of affection towards me. He has said for the last 2 years that he will do better and I have yet to be approached or desired. I gained weight, a lot of weight, but have been working out and lost 4 sizes so far (I am a 14 now). Anyway, I just want to know what I should do. I brought up counseling several times, but have had no results from him about going. I am seriously considering finding a man on the side for my needs of affection. What do you think I should do?

Answer 1

Don't find a man on the side.

I think couciling might be a good idea, but you may have to take the initiative and set it up. Sometimes the person with the problem can't see that they have a problem. Without knowing you and him, it's hard to say what's going on.

As time goes on, things can build up without you realizing it. Guys don't like guessing games, it's possible that before he gave up, he felt like it was a guessing game as to if you were going to be "in the mood" or not. My wife has given me very specific things to watch for that mean she's not in the mood. If those things aren't done, and I approach her, she consents, period. No ifs, ands, ors, or buts. We have at some times had a schedule, every Tuesday and Saturday, or Thursday and Monday, and there were no excuses allowed. It could be your size, although I doubt it. Usually wives are more concerned about their size than their husbands. My wife has put on a bit of weight since we've been married, I still think she's the most beutiful woman I have ever seen. Don't tell her I said this, but that statement has nothing to do with how she looks today. The first time you meet someone, their image gets burned into your head and whenever you think about that person, that image comes up... unless they change in some other way. With my wife, the image that comes up in my mind when I think about her is the image of her in he wedding dress, because that was the last time she changed for me. She doesn't wear makup most of the time, but it doesn't matter because when I look in her eyes I see the same makup she wore the day we were married. I'd worry less about the weight, and more about the things that prevent him from aproaching you.

Another suggestion... go to bed naked. Make yourself hyper-avaliable. Take it all off, crawl in under the covers, and get as close to him as you can, cuddle next to him if you can. Sometimes women fall into the trap of thinking that since we men are so easy to seduce, that we must not have to put that much work into seducing you either. Sorry, but I put a lot of work into seducing my wife most of the time. Some times, I don't have the energy I put in. I've had to tell my wife to adjust her schedule because I was falling asleep on the road. Seriously, how romantic is it to say, "You need to get to bed by 9:00, because I want sex sometimes and I have to be up at 4:00." Not very. But I'd tried being patient, I'd tried being, kind, and I'd tried dragging her to bed. She wasn't getting it. Then she complained when I stopped seducing her, so that's what I told her. Put yourself in a voulnerable, hyper-avaliable state at a time when he has every reason and oportunity to take advantage of you. If he has to be up at 4:00, 10:00 is a bad time to get started. If you get started early enough, teasing him is okay, but don't *ever* let him go away frustrated. If you're avaliable, he finishes, period. If you run out of time, finish him quickly, or wake up before he does and finish before he goes to work, or be waiting in something slinky when he gets home the next day and completely forget your needs. Frustration builds resentment. If he resents you, he won't seduce you.

Answer 2

I think he is being not open with you. The question is when you got married were you the same size as now? or gained 3 years ago. It is very difficult to know ones mind. Why a person does the way he does. Maybe he lost interest when you gained weight and maybe he has found some one else or maybe he has problem within himself for eg., not having erection .... there are several things you can speculate. I would suggest you sit with him and tell him your need.... not just bring it up ... it has to be priority in your life since your mind is seeking another person.... you should tell him if this is how it is then you need to think of serious counseling or separation. It is not healthy not to be intimate. Sex is part of our life and need it like food to keep our mind calm and healthy. So before considering seeing someone else! if you really love him then approach him and get counseling. Give a period of one year if the things are same move on with your life with someone else.

Answer 3

Don't even consider cheating. That is certainly not the answer to anyone's problems. You have certainly made an effort . WOW 4 dress sizes down, well done !! Now it's his turn. I would mention the counciling again and tell him you are making an appointment for you both and see what he says.It is very unusual for a man not to want sex and affection so that's a worry but does not necessarily mean he is cheating on you. Perhaps there is something else that is bothering him. He must learn to communicate and tell you what's wrong or how can you know how to fix the problem. This is a hard one !! Just try speaking to him and try getting him to open up to you. I don't know what else you can do. Please don't even consider cheating though as that does not fix anyone's problems it only creates more. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 4

I went thru the same exact thing, and well, its all part of being married.
I never realized how dominant I really waas and how I had taunted teased and initiated. When it was his turn, I felt like you do now.
". But this is the man you love and married. So, just ask him sweetly, you want him to initiate sex, and then think of some sexy games to play, where he is coming to dominate you. Looking in magazines, see what arouses him, and go in that direction. I don't want to be too specific here.
You are going thru alot of changes too. You both are 5 years older and in marriage, you need to be creative. You are going to have highs and lows.
Maybe he is a weight freak and has a problem with your weight.
Ask him. I bet you have other issues in communication too.
Marriage is for better or worse.....and you need to be creative in
your approach. If he is not a dominant man, he may feel intimidated about your "bitchslapping" him verbally about
not being affectionate or man enough.
Have patience. Don't ever go outside looking for something better. YOu have a man to love and cherish; be true to him even though its turbulent. This is a growing process being married. It will have its ups and downs. And its never quite the same unless its the beginning or some type of "drama" or "conflict" arises to stimulate your relationship.

Other tricks: pour him a stiff drink or light up a joint to get him going
dress provocatively but just tease him, get out those high heels and lace, lots of cleavage, and play the game.

Answer 5

First, finding another man should not even be a question. Your vows on your wedding day were for better or worse till DEATH do you part. Not, until he stops making me happy and pleasing me. That vow was not only to each other but to God as well. That being said, the more you make comments about this, the more AWKWARD you make it for him to come to you for sexual reasons. Unfortunately, no matter how much he loves you, the weight you have put on does effect the way he thinks about sex. Not because he is a bad guy, but just because he is a MALE. I would suggest not mentioning the fact that he does not initiate sex for about 3 weeks. That should give enough time to let some of the awkwardness wear off. Also, the more you care about yourself, the more he will care about you. Get back to the size he fell in love with. Show him that you love him enough to work as hard as you will have to to have a body that he longs to have sex with. I reccomend reading I Corinthians Chapter 13 in The Bible (King James Version.) This explains what true love is. Feel free to e-mail for more advice. ([e-mail])

Answer 6

You need to slow down his pace a little and find a way to put the trials of the world out of sight for a day or two. Perhaps a weekend getaway to a place where the two of yo had great times. Have days when the can be not talk about life's stress factors. You can build up to sex. Just cuddling and having tender moments creates a base desire. Dressing up the evening with some good wine and soft lights including some very appealing outfit and great music can set the mood. Sounds like both of you need time away from the grindstone.

Answer 7

Find a man on the side? If your so blunt and bad why not just invite the other guy over so you 3 can have dinner together? Have a sitdown with your husband and discuss things. If thats not a good option, write him a letter. I'm sure things are not easy, but life is work. Sometimes HARD work. Just like losing the weight, hard work isnt it? Communication is Key, but you have to find the best way for you guys to communicate first. Maybe plan a weekend away, Doesnt have to be to the Alps, just get a hotel Downtown. Fri/Sat night.

Answer 8

Tell him that you are going to find a man on the side for your affection, let him wake-up, be honest with him. Well done for all the weight you’ve lost! Keep it going and improve yourself in a healthy way. Maybe you were a little bit to over weight for him, think of that, how do you look now? Remember, sex is attraction and to have attraction something must be sexy, get sexy and hot! The counseling is a very good idea, talk to him again... If he doesn’t want to improve you make a plan, get away from him, maybe he will start to miss you... Go for dance classes, stripping classes, get sexy laundry and treat him one night with nice food, candles est. Remember a story have 2 sides. Look at your side to. Good luck

Answer 9

Just because you look sexy in those jeans now, doesn't mean you should go looking for a new guy! That may bring you temporary satisfaction, but in the long run you will be worse off.

I assume for the first 2 years of your marriage everything was cool. If he is saying "he will do better" then he acknowledges there is a problem. Has he said why he doesn't initiate sex? If something is bothering him, he should speak up. I doubt it is you, because men will screw a 400 pound retarded woman if they get the chance. Before counseling, he should be checked for diabetes, hypertension, erectile dysfunction, etc. but I doubt this is the case because he has a lacking of affection (hugging, kissing).

Answer 10

Please don't have an affair. It will make things worse, allthough it seems like a good idea now. Maybe he is depressed, maybe there is something medical going on with him. Maybe you are not in love anymore. If he won't go to conseling or attempt to work it maybe this relationship is not working out anymore. Some men loose their drive as they get older, I couldnt be with a man that wouldnt even be affectionate to me though. That is important in so many ways. Have you sought counseling by yourself? And honey, if he loves you...your weight and looks shouldnt matter. Love yourself. I think you should sit him down and tell him, "Hey this isnt going to work ,I feel like you dont want me anymore, we need to discuss where our marraige is going and what we both expect." See if you can meet in the middle and BOTH make changes to be more satisfied. If not...then maybe it's time to move on, as hard as that might be. I still believe that an affair will do way more harm than good.