How do you "let go" and realize that things aren't in your control?

Question

I want to create balance in my life and be okay with people disagreeing with me or not giving me the reaction I expect. (When this happens I usually sit and fume about it.) What are steps I can take to realize that people won't always do what I want? I want to realize that I can't control other people and not get so upset about losing control.

Answer 1

Wow, big life lesson. This one is hard. I have had to struggle with it as well, and it's taken years to get over.

Well, it sounds like you already do "know" the truth -- that the only person you can control is yourself, and that others always retain the capacity to accept or reject your desire. So that is a very positive first step, I think.

The next step is somehow becoming okay with that. Right now, it seems to really tear you up -- you seem to hate not being in control of other's responses to you.

How to deal with this? People are so different, what works for one doesn't work for another. Some people, once they realize this truth, can just reeducate themselves and are quickly fine with the idea. Others still hate the feelings of inadequacy and being out of control and have to fight for a long time to get past it.

Attitude seems to be a big part of these changes. Some concepts that struck home to me:

1. Everyone has "equal validity" to express themselves. This means other people -- they are allowed to respond however they want to what I've said/done/requested -- but it ALSO means that I am equally allowed to do/say/request what I want. No one has special privilege or is "better."

2. If they have a problem with me in some way, that's their problem. (This is not meant in the "snotty" way but with the realization that I cannot control them.) My only responsibility here is to monitor myself; this means examining their feedback, to see if I do need to change something, but also not to feel compelled to change unless I agree with their opinion.

3. I am a grown-up now. I no longer have to play the role of powerless frightened child who desperately needs approval, nor do I *need* others to conform to MY ideas for them. I am autonomous. If someone decides to reject me for what I've said/done, then I will be okay with that. And if someone doesn't do what I wish they had done, that's okay too -- I can take care of myself and be okay.

4. It's okay to feel disappointment and hurt. I don't need to control others to make them do what I want or get a certain response from them. It's okay to be bummed about it, accept it as part of life, and not try to avoid it by demanding control I don't have.

5. Giving up control over others frees you to be yourself, not to conform to the rules of the game you are playing. You no longer are forced to behave a certain way to get the response you want (which you can't truly control anyway). You can do what you think is right, or what most uniquely reflects "you," and let the rest of the world make its own choices.

I do not know your situation. I know that, if you are a mother or wife, those relationships have more expectations built into them and you desire a deeper connection. It hurts to see those we love or are committed to doing things that we think are harmful, or not doing what we think is "right."

And if you are looking to have all your needs met by another human being, you are going to find nothing but anger and disappointment. No one can live up to that standard.

Ultimately, although it does seem counter-intuitive, the best thing to do is control yourself and love (i.e., do what is best for) the other person, with their long-term growth/health as a human being in mind, and not try to win short-term gains by controlling them. All you do is force short-term compliance, while inside they are becoming even more rebellious or disinterested in pleasing you. There is no real relationship without trust for the other person's intentions and the freedom for them to make choices to love you and others as well.

You need to 'release' the other person from the need to do what you want.

Some other coping mechanisms:

1. Pray for yourself and the other people... not necessarily for what you WANT to see happen, but that the best thing will happen, whatever that is. (And pray for change.)

2. Release the frustration as energy -- exercise, sports, something physical. This is both a release and a good redirection of energy that would otherwise tear you up inside.

3. Art. Some people help themselves deal by doing something creative (music, drawing, writing, etc.)

4. Don't expect all needs to be met by that one person. Honor your relationships, but try to see if a particular need can be met by someone else who is designed to accommodate it. (For example, if your husband is disappointing you by not listening enough, decide how much you can reasonably expect from him, and then find a friend who can help compensate for the weak areas.)

There is no simple answer to this thing, and a lot of the answers do depend on exactly what is frustrating you. I hope this was helpful in some way. The one thing you need to do is persevere, and keep reminding yourself that you can only "control" you... and that it's okay, and that you'll be okay.

Answer 2

There is no how, in fact no way, you can ever live without having disagreement with people at one point or the other; in fact, I will advice that you should always expect that. However, there is no effective way to deal with the situation rather than to always make, or even create if you like, allowance for such dynamics, which are the result of human imperfection(s)

Answer 3

If you can learn to just take for granted that always some
folks will agree with you and some won't it kind of eases
your mind.

Also, I try to realize that if I had walked a mile in their shoes my ideas might be different also.

We are never going to be in a world where we all agree. But if we can try to be tolerant of those who think in a different way
that is the biggest step.

I just moved back to the city where my folks live and we are in totally different worlds in the way we think and believe. These are the people who installed most of my "buttons". At first it was
so hard. But now, I just find myself saying very often,"well, we
all have our different ways of thinking and that's ok.,.We've all
had different experiences in life. It's ok to have different opinions about things.

Answer 4

If you're with someone you trust completely, just let go. Get drunk and/or explore you. Why not be honest? I cannot understand why people suppress their true selves. It is foolish to try to be someone we are not. Why lie? You'll just end up in a situation that you hate....! If I'm wrong, tell me. I'm not!

Answer 5

Reminds me of a prayer:
God, give me the serenity to let go of things out of my control
Give me the ability to control the things that I can.
And finally give me the wisdom to know the difference.

Answer 6

you have to learn to be independent. always assume that someone will not help you and be prepared to do it yourself. you can't let anyone get to you, be unpleasant and rude if someone insults you on purpose. they have no right to be mean unless you were mean to them. if you feel like nothing is going your way, you need to relax and let out your emotions. there is nothing wrong with crying it ALWAYS makes you feel better. just remember that everything will be alright in the end.

Answer 7

you just have to have self control! and realize that eveyone isn't out to get you!
Coping.org helps with control issues and other personal stressories great site i highly recomend it!
Best of luck~!

Answer 8

You stop acting like a baby and realize you're an adult so it's time to act like one.