i need help with making my essay flow naturally...please help?

Question

Majority of Americans have a television in their homes. Everyday, people are watching television that they forget to spend time with their own children and their spouses. Forget about hello, how was your day? Americans are so immune with their television; they forget there are other family members living in the household. Nowadays, people and children are more focused on television; they are physically and mentally influenced by what they view on the TV.
The common day for an American is coming home after their long day at work and turning on the television, either watching their favorite shows or watching the news. For instance, a mother whose spouse is over in Iraq will automatically turn on the news channel and see what is going on in the Middle East. Most of the times, the media will portray the story line negatively. This will obviously have an affect to this hard working mother. Maybe she’ll take it out on the kids or have a panic attack. Perhaps, a young innocent child was watching a violent show on television. This child then starts to act out like the character on the show.
Meanwhile, millions of Americans watched the Elections this year. One representative would bad mouth the other representative. An example would be the Elections in Tennessee. Supposedly, Corker placed an offending ad to his competitor, Ford. It was all over the news. CNN news said it was a racist ad and then MSN news said it was a sexual explicit ad. We as the viewers were confused and our opinions were based on the news that we enjoy watching.
Psychologists have studied by watching and being around negative people has an affect on others especially with children. When we watch television, we don’t realize the negative impact it has on us. What should we do us as a society to prevent this negative influential in our lives? We should limit ourselves and prohibit negative shows being watched on our television sets.

Answer 1

When writing, make sure to pay careful attention to:

1.SUBSTANCE

Substance refers to the content of the essay and the message you send out. It can be very hard to gauge in your own writing. One good way to make sure that you are saying what you think you are saying is to write down, briefly and in your own words, the general idea of your message. Then remove the introduction and conclusion from your essay and have an objective reader review what is left. Ask that person what he thinks is the general idea of your message. Compare the two statements to see how similar they are. This can be especially helpful if you wrote a narrative. It will help to make sure that you are communicating your points in the story. Here are some more questions to ask yourself regarding content.

Have I answered the question asked?

Do I back up each point that I make with an example? Have I used concrete and personal examples?

Have I been specific? (Go on a generalities hunt. Turn the generalities into specifics.)

Could anyone else have written this essay?

What does it say about me? After making a list of all the words you have used within the essay -- directly and indirectly -- to describe yourself, ask: Does this list accurately represent me?

Does the writing sound like me? Is it personal and informal rather than uptight or stiff?

Regarding the introduction, is it personal and written in my own voice? Is it too general? Can the essay get along without it?


2.STRUCTURE

To check the overall structure of your essay, conduct a first-sentence check. Write down the first sentence of every paragraph in order. Read through them one after another and ask the following:
Would someone who was reading only these sentences still understand exactly what I am trying to say?
Do the first sentences express all of my main points?
Do the thoughts flow naturally, or do they seem to skip around or come out of left field?
Now go back to your essay as a whole and ask these questions:
Does each paragraph stick to the thought that was introduced in the first sentence?
Does a piece of evidence support each point? How well does the evidence support the point?
Is each paragraph roughly the same length? Stepping back and squinting at the essay, do the paragraphs look balanced on the page? (If one is significantly longer than the rest, you are probably trying to squeeze more than one thought into it.)
Does my conclusion draw naturally from the previous paragraphs?
Have I varied the length and structure of my sentences?


3.INTEREST

Many people think only of mechanics when they revise and rewrite their compositions. As we know, though, the interest factor is crucial in keeping the admissions officers reading and remembering your essay. Look at your essay with the interest equation in mind: personal + specific = interesting. Answer the following:

Is the opening paragraph personal?
Do I start with action or an image?
Does the essay show rather than tell?
Did I use any words that are not usually a part of my vocabulary? (If so, get rid of them.)
Have I used the active voice whenever possible?
Have I overused adjectives and adverbs?
Have I eliminated clichés?
Have I deleted redundancies?
Does the essay sound interesting to me? (If it bores you, imagine what it will do to others.)
Will the ending give the reader a sense of completeness? Does the last sentence sound like the last sentence?

4.PROOFREADING

When you are satisfied with the structure and content of your essay, it is time to check for grammar, spelling, typos, and the like. You can fix obvious things right away: a misspelled or misused word, a seemingly endless sentence, or improper punctuation. Keep rewriting until your words say what you want them to say. Ask yourself these questions:

Did I punctuate correctly?
Did I eliminate exclamation points (except in dialogue)?
Did I use capitalization clearly and consistently?
Do the subjects agree in number with the verbs?
Did I place the periods and commas inside the quotation marks?
Did I keep contractions to a minimum? Do apostrophes appear in the right places?
Did I replace the name of the proper school for each new application?
Have I caught every single typo? (You can use your spell-checker but make sure that you check and re-check every change it makes. It is a computer after all.)

I wish you well Thanx.

Answer 2

The majority of Americans have one or more televisions in their homes. Everyday, as people watch TV, they forget to spend time with their spouse and children. Forget about "Hello, how was your day?" Americans are so engrossed with TV that they almost forget there are other family members living in the household. Nowadays, both adults and children are more and more focused on the tube; they are physically and mentally influenced by what they view.

The common day for an American is to come home after a long day at work and turn on the TV, either watching their favorite shows or the news. For instance, a mother whose spouse is in Iraq will automatically turn on the news channel and see what is going on in the Middle East. Most of the time the media will portray the story line negatively, which will have an effect on this hard-working mother. Maybe she’ll take it out on the kids or have a panic attack. A young, innocent child who watches a violent show on television may start to act out like a character on the show.

Millions of Americans watched the election coverage this year, seeing candidates badmouth their opponents. In the race for a Senate seat in Tennessee, Corker placed an ad that was called offensive by his competitor, Ford. It was all over the news. CNN said it was a racist ad and MSNBC said it was a sexually explicit ad. Although we as the viewers were confused, our opinions were based on the news that we enjoyed watching.

Studies by psychologists have found that watching and being around negative people has an effect on others, especially children. When we watch television, we don’t realize the negative impact it has on us.

What should we as a society do to prevent this negative influence in our lives? We should limit our hours of watching TV and we should select wholesome shows.

(You have good thoughts in this essay. Trust me - I have improved the way the thoughts are expressed.)

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Answer 3

First of all, you use the word "television", "tv", or any other variation of the word too frequently. Try eliminating how often you use it. Plus, you want to start off your essay with an introduction, building up to your point, and end it with a conclusion where you wrap it up. The conclusion can be subtle facts that wrap up the entire essay, or an opinion justifying the writing. If you need further help, feel free to email me.

Answer 4

Leave out the word "television" as much as possible after the first mention of it at the beginning of the essay. Shorten it to TV or leave it out whenever you can. This will make it flow better by lessening the repetition.
Also watch your word usage.