My attempt at a 'quite' light poem. Please read and comment.?

Question

a lovely night,
under full moon.
simple silence,
very dim light.

for once,
darkness is good.
simple silence,
in a good mood.

One person's heaven,
another's rest.
somple silence,
silence is best.

I know, I know, I'm not used to writing these type of poems...

yeah, it was simple. sorry, typo error.

ok, I was thinking of the part with 'very dim light', I read it again andagain, I know it didn't sound right, but I couldn't figure out what to write...

Answer 1

hi, replace the line "very dim light" (l.4) with a different expression, plus in line 11 you probably made a spelling mistake, were you gonna say "simple" instead of "somple", or "sample" - well i doubt that makes sense ;) in general your poem isn't too bad...

Answer 2

Not bad at all for something you call an "attempt". I have two comments and I hope you will accept them as constructive criticism.

The first concerns the rhyme scheme. In the first stanza you have a rhyme scheme of ABCA; in the second stanza it's ABCB, and the third stanza is ABCB too.If you can find some way to change the first stanza to preserve the ABCB rhyme scheme, it will flow a little more easily.

The second point also concerns the first stanza: There's something about "under full moon" that jars. There are three very heavy syllables in that line, which are quite different from the light, tripping rhythm of the rest of the poem. Also, the line sounds a little desperate; you wouldn't say "under full moon"; you'd say "under a full moon", or "under the moon". If you can find a way to change that line to something equally atmospheric but with less syllable stress in the middle of the line, it'll be better. (How about "full moon above"?)

Apart from that, I love the sibilance of the "simple silence"; it makes me think of people whispering in the dark!

Answer 3

Okay this is GREAT! Well according to me a fellow err...poeter (if thats a word... means I'm a poet sort of) alright. Your visuals are good at creating an image. The second line first stanza (paragraph) "Under full moon" could be changed to "Under the full moon" and the "very dim light" (Line 4) could be changed to "A faint light" or "In faint light" Very good otherwise, I'd like to read some of your other poems if you have written some. You said you're not used to writing these type of poems so I figured you have written other types of poems, thanks for sharing your wonderful poem with us, you've made my day shine.

Answer 4

Take no notice of star they seem like they are a failing wanna be, only people like that would criticize, and then brag about how big they are in different countries.....take it from me you have potential it shows.....and never let anyone tell you that you haven't.....i liked it especially the last part......One person's heaven, another's rest simple silence, silence is best.....when the silence speaks volume that only i can understand, it is then simple silence is in true demand.....sorry i couldn't help adding that bit on.......you have nothing to worry about...keep writing.

Answer 5

I see a lady with lips pursed tight lest she ought to cry...on a similar time as you say her expressions were clean, I see a typhoon raging flippantly interior! "not tempted once to practice decrease back round!" rather? it really is decision!!! Responding to the awesome call! playstation : As you comprehend I examine Iano's comments with pastime. yet the following i ought to favor to assert that this is unnecessary to entice close each and every personality. For me it rather is the excellent thing about a poem and that is what instruments it apart from a prosaic tale. yet it really is genuinely my opinion. i ought to rather wander off in emotions as aroused with the help of a attractive poem.... you've captured a existence-replacing second very very obviously! Edit: I see, the TD warfare has all started already! tremendous! those unhappy people rather ought to do with some hugs, LOL!

Answer 6

we can edit this like...

a lovely night,
under full moon,
simple silence,
very dim light.

for once,
darkness is good.
simple silence,
in a good mood.

one person should be there,
with you to feel best,
to take care of you,
like sparrow with her kids,
in the nest.

but there should be silence,
because silence is best.

Answer 7

somple silence or simple silence?

I like the poem. Its beautiful. I think that if you elaborate more on it, it could be a very insperational piece.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

Depressing - it almost sounds like an abused child. What picture do those words paint in your mind? How can you firm up that picture? I know there is a lot of discussion on what makes 'poetry' but to me it is the mental picture the words paint in the majority of minds that read it. This is an incomplete painting, not even a sketch. Picture what you want to have the picture look like, then find the words to paint it.
It's a good try, but for me it doesn't do it.
Maybe it's the typos????

*****UPDATE*****
To those who say I am criticising :-P to you. This person asked for comments, and I gave my honest comments without thinking I was nearly good enough to paint their picture for them as some here have tried to do. It seems to me, it is a shadow of what they are trying to say, if they felt otherwise it would not be posted here with a request for comments. Finish the painting, finish the sketch. Fill it in and make it say what you want to convey to the reader. MAKE them see your painting. Right now, it is not there. Give it what you have and go for it.

Answer 9

I think it's beautiful. Okay, I'm not a poet, but I was an english major in college. I wouldn't change a thing about it...poetry is supposed to be what you feel, right? So wouldn't changing it change your feelings?

Answer 10

well it sounds more like lyrics from a song to me!however i liked it!keep up the good work!