My wife and I have recently taken custody of a 12 year old girl whose mother passed away from cancer. It has only been 2 weeks since the death. Should we start to "lay down the law" with her now. Or should we ease into the rules. She is a good kid but she is also a 12 year old kid ('nuff said there). We have been having a hard time getting her to do the small things that we have asked her, such as taking care of HER cat and picking up after herself. Considering that she has spent the last year more or less locked inside of a 2 bedroom flat playing nursemaid to her mother, should we be stricter or back off a bit. It is a tough call, any advise would be helpful. (Before we get going FAQ's, 1. Yes she is in Therapy, 2. She will be starting school again next week after a years absence, 3. Her suviving family members are not decent enough to care for her (no father) and 4. She is bi-racial b/w and we are both white)
2006-11-28 20:38:43 · 23 answers · asked by rswdew 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
Wow, congratulations on your new family member! What a wonderful and decent thing of you to do. God bless you, and good luck!
As to your question, you should enforce rules and expectations from the get go. Let her know that you demand respect and there are rules to be followed, but do so with love and kindness.
There are things that she is responsible for, and has to comply. Don't give in to her "just this once" or "for now", because kids will take advantage of it and it will be harder to gain her respect in the future.
Kids need structure, and believe it or not- they need discipline too, which makes them feel secure. They have to know the limits, but just as importantly, reward her for complying and show her all the support and love that I'm sure you already do.
Best of luck.
2006-11-28 20:44:24 · answer #1 · answered by Delfina D 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
This girl sounds like she has had it real tough for the last year or so.I myself in this situation would back of for just a little longer,but at the same time let her know that you are there for her no matter what.This girl has spent the last year looking after her dying mother,I am 32,and I would find that extremely hard to deal with,so I can't possibly imagine what this girl must be feeling right now.Her behaviour in which she is displaying is completely normal in a situation like hers,with a bit of time,love and guidance,she will start to feel some what whole again.Let her be at school for a week,and because she will be making new friends you can talk to her about curfews,doing chores around the house,and how much her allowance will be if she does her chores that way she won't feel as if she is an inconvenience to you,and she will know that you truly want her there with you.I truly hope that this girl feels alot better soon,and school goes well for her.
2006-11-28 21:13:30 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. That's one heck of a situation you're in. Kudos for you and your wife for helping this girl! There's a place for people like you! =)
Since she's been thru so much, she's probably looking for rules and structure and for someone else to be the grownup in charge, so she is acting out. First sit with her and rationally explain what you expect from her and what the rewards (i.e. allowance) and consequences (i.e. grounding or loss of priveledges) would be if these expectations are not met. Give her a grace period to ease into the rules, (a month, or whatever you and your wife think she can handle) but after that grace period is over, expect her to fly right. Make sure you follow through - kids can spot a liar or a hypocrite a mile away and that'll bite you in the butt.
Good luck!!!
2006-11-29 06:02:19 · answer #3 · answered by zippythejessi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's really hard for anyone to do things like clean up or whatever in a new environment, even if you havn't jsut been orphaned and are 12 years old. A good way to help her feel like it's her house too would be to do some fall cleaning all together. It's kinda weird, but i always find that if you clean and organize something then it feels more like you had a part in it and you take more pride in it. Don't make it like a chore, just do it and say like "can you hold this" or whatever. Like reverse psychology. Also doing a big cleaning is very theraputic, and a really good distraction. But make sure that you try to make it seem more like fun then work. Put on the radio, go out for dinner afterwards, you know, stuff like that.
2006-11-28 20:47:41 · answer #4 · answered by Sarah 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'd ease the rules a little bit, but not too much. Still make her clean up after herself and take care of her cat. You should take her places and have your wife do 'girl' things with her. Make her feel like a kid again. Make things seem fun, but she is probably still mourning her mom, too. You have to understand that. You can't be strict right off the bat. Just help her adjust to thing a little bit at first. You should just have a loose schedule at first, so she can get used to the idea of living with you guys. Put yourself in her shoes...would you like to move into a house with people you barely even know at age twelve?
2006-11-29 07:34:21 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
We are adopting a 10 year old and he has had a hard live. He has been in foster care for a while and he has had a very rough life. It is best if she knows the rules up front. We were a little easy at first and now he has tantrums when he is diciplined for breaking the rules. Things are better now that he knows what is expected of him. Structure is very important. She needs lots and lots of love and your family will need lots and lots of patiences.
2006-11-29 01:31:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being an adopted child myself...I would say you need to give the girl a friggin' break...My goodness you just said her parents DIED two weeks ago!...Have you ever lost a parent? At any age it is heart breaking!..It took me three months to get over the death of my grandfather and I am 38 years old for goodness sakes!..I am sure if she was caring for her sick parents she is a pretty GOOD kid and she will be fine....I think right now you should love and support her the best you can!...Don't let her run around like a crazy person but give her some time and some space to adjust!...GEEZ!!...Two weeks you are asking TOO MUCH!!
2006-11-29 03:59:22 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I have a 12 year old girl too and have had her all her life and still have trouble getting her to do things. I suggest making a list of what is expected on a daily basis. Put it on her wall and go over it with her. If she does not do the few things that are asked, there will be no priviliges. I'm not saying she will happily go along with it but it will all be there in writing.
2006-11-29 03:42:30 · answer #8 · answered by KathyS 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think being strict in this situation is a good guidline.
it is not at all wrong as she will need to have this structure from the start !
although a bit of lee-way if she is finding her mothers death hard during some periods of time is ok. slight rewards and praise might encourage her to look after the kitty better and pick up after herself.
overall i think structure and security are the main key here.
best wishes.
2006-11-29 01:04:07 · answer #9 · answered by chloe she been through alot.. ! 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well
i reckon u should just talk to her nad let her no u r there 4 her. i mean she is only 12 and been through a LOT!!
when u lose someone that close to you it takes a long time to get over it and sumtimes ppl dont,
if u talk 2 her just tell her nicely that u care about her but she has to be responsible for her stuff. try not to get her upset.
and the colour should have nothiing to do with it.
2006-11-28 20:44:18 · answer #10 · answered by funny.bones 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋