I know it’s wrong, but I don’t know how to get past it...?

Question

I honestly feel hate towards my father. There are things that I hold against him, and I can’t move on. I need to, that I know. When I was 6 he locked me outside in the winter for two hours, I had to sit by a dryer vent to keep worm. He tried to kill the neighbors dog in front of me when I was young also. He has physically hurt me many times. It could have been worse, and it wasn’t often but it still makes me angry. It’s odd though, my brother has beat me many more times then my father, yet I care so much about him...and I have no hard feelings. Just when I saw my brother this last summer he threw me down the stairs, but I have moved on. When I see my dad though, it makes me so mad...I actually put poison in his coffee when I was 11...It’s wrong that I feel the way I do, and I need to forgive...I just don’t know how. what do you think?

I'm a young adult now, by the way. (early 20s)

Answer 1

the thing is that we see father and brother as different entities in our life. brothers are supposed to pick on us, beat us up, fight with us, etc., but fathers are supposed to protect us. We assume that our siblings will hurt us, we expect our parents to protect us from hurt and when the hurt is coming from them, it's a whole lot harder to stomach.

though we want to believe that our daddies would never hurt us and will always protect us, we must realize that they are human with plenty of faults. it's that whole mentality of parents never have sex, never do anything bad, barely had a life before us...you know like the 1st time you find out your parents have sex, you seriously gross out and hope you never hear of it again and actually try to suppress this thought because we'd rather think that they don't.

you must change your frame of mind. you must see your parents as humans, a man and a woman, much like a stranger in the street or a friend at work. they aren't always the sole protectors we want them to be and can and will disapoint us. the usual thought is we are the apple of our daddy's eye, daddy's little girl, etc. Sometimes we are not. The sooner you let go of this mentality, the easier it will be for you to let go of the animosity. You probably will hold some bitter feelings towards him, that's normal, but at least it won't get the best of you.

good luck sweetie. might I suggest seeing someone in your town like a therapist (can be pricey) or a counselor at a local clinic (low cost to free), or going to a support group (free), or if you attend church, visiting your local pastor (free).

Answer 2

It sounds like you have every right to feel the way you do. But I do question at your age how you could like a brother that throws you down the stairs. I think a person can forgive but it doesn't mean you forget. I've always thought mental abuse who be harder to take then then physical abuse. I would guess you suffered both. Try to get past it and know you can now have a better life. Be happy.
The most important decision you make in your life is who you marry. Make sure its a man that treats you with the respect you deserve, settle for nothing else.

Answer 3

Both your father and your brother had no right treating you the way they did. :-( Where was your mother during all this? You have a right to feel anger towards what they did to you. No one has a right to treat another human being the way they treated you.

I believe I can understand why you feel so much anger towards your father. He, above everyone else, should have protected you, instead of hurting you the way he did.

Your brother has learned some very negative behavior from your father. Your father was suppose to be a positive reinforcment for you and your siblings.

You must seek psychological help to get past the way you're feeling towards those who were suppose to protect you. You need to learn to understand that "it's not your fault". You didn't deserve that kind of treatment from your own family.

In order for you to begin building positive relationships with others, you need to seek some help. If you don't, it's very likely that you will attract men like your father and your brother. Someone who will treat you the way they did. Please, seek some counselling. You do deserve so much better treatment than that. Take care of you, cos no one else will. Hugs xoxo :x

Answer 4

I certainly don't blame you for hating your father. You had a very rough childhood and no one should have to put up with the abuse you did (child protection agency should have been notified on this). I'm glad that you want to make up with your father, but it sounds to me like the best thing you can do, is forgive and move on. I would also suggest finding help for your father and your brother (especially if it happens to be a mental problem). I think you are being a little to hard on yourself. You are definitely a very kind person if you are seeking to forgive your father after all that he's done. Clear your mind, forgive him, and don't dwell on it. If you want to move forward in life, you can't be looking back. You can't run a race turned backwards.

Answer 5

If you feel the need to forgive to help you move on, just know that every person is flawed (some more than others). Have pity on your brother and father for not leading their lives more responsibly. At least you realize that what they did was wrong, and you were not at fault for what happened to you.

Answer 6

You experienced abuse at the hands of a person who should have been your protector. Your brother did not have the same importance in your life therefore his abuse of you did not have the same impact.

You must try to move on from this although I know it is not easy. You are harbouring feelings of betrayal, loss, anger etc and you need to talk them through with a counsellor who will help you to learn ways of confronting these memories in a calm and controlled way, and eventually you should be able to dismiss them from your life. Good luck.

Answer 7

You should go on with you life by staying away from both your brother and father.

Answer 8

hate is very strong word,you have to forgive him,not for his sake,but for your well being,when you ready,it will come naturally to you, i also think you need professional help,to understand your father why he did that to you,maybe he was abused,in his childhood,and he continue,and you have to stop this cycle,because you can continue this way or being exactly opposite,and that is good.

Answer 9

I'm not a psychology expert, so maybe what I say is all wrong, but I think its very healthy that you have hatred toward your father. Its more unhealthy when abuse victims keep loving someone in spite of all the awful things that person has done.

I really think you need to talk to a professional, particularly about the thing with your brother. That's kind of scary to me that you say he has beaten you many more times than your father did. Its good that you've moved on when it comes to your brother, but he doesn't sound like someone who is safe for you to be around. It also seems like you need to sort out feelings about him with a professional.

People who beat their kids end up having their kids hate them. That's how it works. People who are cruel don't deserve respect or love.

People who are abused always say, "It could have been worse." People who have been abused often believe they are the ones who need to "come around" or forgive or do whatever it takes to make the relationship what they wish it could be and what it will, unfortunately, never be because the other half of that relationship is not capable of having good relationship.

People who have been abused often feel that they are the ones who are wrong in how they feel.

I think you should make sure you talk to a professional. Maybe you've talked to one or more in the past, but since you right now are having these questions right now is the time to find someone to talk to about what's going on at this stage in your life.

Aside from that, I think if your family has something like a Christmas dinner and he's there, if you want to go to be with everyone else and kind of ignore him or just talk about the weather with him, that's your business. Other than that, I don't think you should spend too much time with him at all.

When it comes to forgiveness, I know this isn't what is meant by the saying "to err is human, to forgive is divine", but the way I interpret that saying is that forgiving is up to God (if you believe in God); and that people don't necessarily need to try to be like God and forgive. In fact, I can't help but believe that God would expect us humans to sometimes refuse to forgive cruelty to children and animals. I've been exposed to plenty of abused children, and I just don't find what some parents do at all worthy of forgiveness. In fact, I like to think God may not forgive them either.

I think you have to remember that the world is full of people who have lousy relationships with one or both parents, people who have their parents die when they're young, and people who have one thing or another that isn't the way we wish it was for one reason or another. You aren't alone in your situation about having a father like yours or otherwise having an imperfect family situation. Decide that your difficult childhood and your father will not take more away from you and your happiness and your future than what has already been taken from you.

I tend to think you need to accept that you don't think much of your father and that you're normal in being mad at him. You need to accept that he'll never be the kind of father you may wish he had been, and you'll never have the kind of relationship you would have liked to have had, but that you're you and everybody has some crummy thing or other in their life.

If you can find some peace in knowing that other people are very well aware of how you were mistreated, and if you can find some sense of seeing justice done when you realize you hate your father and that's what he deserves for how he's been, try not to worry about your father beyond that. Try to put him out of your mind, knowing he is getting his at this point just by losing his own daughter's affections. He thought he could get away with that crap he did back then, and he did get away with it for awhile apparently. Now, though, you have it in your power to decide that justice for him lies in the fact that you hate him.

Maybe you could tell your mother or some other family member that you're only willing to spend so much time with your father. Tell them (whoever will get it back to him) that you've never quite gotten over his cruelty and at this point in your life you want to limit your dealings with him. Hopefully, they'll get that information back to him. If that means he could still be violent or cruel then stay away from him altogether.

Best wishes. Please think about finding some good counseling if you aren't already in counseling. I don't think you're at all wrong in your legitimate feelings toward him, and I don't think you ought to worry about forgiving him. If you believe in God, I can't help but think God would understand if you just write off your father as hopeless and don't forgive him for his cruelties.

People who can hurt children and animals are psychos. It just isn't your problem at this point if he's a psycho.