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Ive tried to sew my heart
but the sorrow leaks out anyway
my vibrance always fades away
and the world casts me in darkness
I stand here, timid, in the moonlight
naked and pure, i try to find my heart
I saturate this emptyness with complexity
because I am empty without love
I wonder around helpless and blind
while I am SCREAMING what i feel
like i am a BOOK you can read
because my feelings are
as vacant as glass
the darkness pierces complexity
that i constantly try to hide
instead of finding what
will complete my heart
I wonder if im even ALIVE
because i cannot live without truth
I kick and scream in the ******* dark
because i cannot understand why
i feel for you
why i want you
why i need you
why i LOVE you
WHY it is said: love never dies
but i BELIEVE it, looking in your eyes

2006-11-28 14:07:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities Philosophy

14 answers

sounds kinda emo to me...a bit >_<

well written....some awkward emotion blending...

dont know what vacant glass is...

powerful poem, niceish job to whoever wrote it

2006-11-28 14:14:26 · answer #1 · answered by tripp 1 · 0 0

The job of the poet, is to bring the audience in to experience the subject they are writing about, and NOT to tell the audience what the experience is and should be. For the time being, avoid abstracts. What is vibrance? You can tell us you once were vibrant and we will go, "ho hum, she was vibrant" You can paint a word picture of glowing cheeks or something that show us said vibrance and we will see it and experience it. It will be real to us.

I like the first line, it brings an interesting image and some ambiguity. Are you sewing seeds or a needle in thread? Which of course then, you answer right away. I'm not sure you should answer this right away.

After the first line, you mostly give over to abstract description of what you feel, which will cause your knowledgeable audience to go "ho-hum" and though your less knowledgeable audience will tell you that you did great, they will not realize how much more they could have experienced.

I challenge you to rewrite this without using any "emotion" words or "abstracts" What you have here is the subtext, now give us the text. Give us sights, sounds, tastes, smells, etc.. that will convey every experience you want to convey. and this is where it gets hard, DON"T tell us or try and force us to think or feel x or Y about it. Your poetry will be far more effective if you wrap us up in the experience, and then let us choose what we want to think or feel about it. As writers, we want to control everything, but we cannot, and our work will suffer if we try, control our audiences.

p.s.--also avoid cliches like the plague *ha-ha* But it is important, because in this world you have precious little time to engage your reader before they go off to the next page, book, television show etc..you need to make every word count, and when people come to a cliche they make snap decisions about what you mean, and your words (that you used in the cliche, not the rest) become momentarily worthless.

Keep writing. And I can't wait to see what you do with it, when you take out the abstracts.

2006-11-28 22:52:51 · answer #2 · answered by peacedevi 5 · 2 0

Quite a well written poem. Very emo. The sad, lost and deranged feel. Sounds like a very sad love story.

You may be placing alot of your everything (life, time, energy, efforts etc) on this one particular person and you feel that the world is very cruel.

You need to find a fix to your life quick. Jesus could be the answer.

2006-11-29 00:02:59 · answer #3 · answered by D 2 · 0 0

I like it! It's a little a dark & sad but sounds like you have the potential to write more! Also try writing about love, in a positive way when you find your next , or go back to the one you have written about. Then compare the two together. Save everything you write and try dating them, this way you can see how you improve.

2006-11-28 22:21:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Nice!

To me it sounds like the mating calls of the cuckoo bird , early in the mornings. Listening to that musical notes ( poetry in sound) I always feel that the bird is crying out aloud, seeking love and some companionship.

The way you have portrayed your poetic emotion I feel, you are not sure of a positive response.I hope I am wrong.

2006-11-28 22:33:55 · answer #5 · answered by YD 5 · 0 0

First of all I think it is wonderfully articulated because I have a complete emotional image of what you are saying. Second it reminds me of a point in my life when I was trying to repair my first real relationship that I destroyed.
I had a hole in my soul that stayed there for a decade. I found the fix. I came home to GOD. But if you fill that hole it might ruin your wonderful way with words.

2006-11-28 23:07:09 · answer #6 · answered by Bye Bye 6 · 0 1

Starts out interesting...then it get into the EMO thing, sounds like it could lead to non lif-like behaviour patterns. Other than that it has potential, sounds like it was written by someone in a hospice, last farewell, ...

2006-11-28 22:52:14 · answer #7 · answered by ••Mott•• 6 · 0 0

There seems to be too many themes in one poem.
For example, is it about Love, or your feeling of alienation?

If you simplified it, like someone else suggested, it'd be good.
Otherwise, it's a good effort, and feels genuine, which is great.

2006-11-28 22:58:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Ok, but nobody is worth these feelings, in time it will fade and maybe you can write something a little happier.

2006-11-28 22:21:04 · answer #9 · answered by JKS 2 · 0 0

Try and make it more under-standable. Other than that it was great!

2006-11-28 22:17:12 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

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