Is it appropriate for me to ask my new husband to take his deceased wife's clothes out of our closet?

Question

We married on 666, his previouse wife died 5 1/2 yrs ago, we live in the house where they lived for 10 yrs and she died in, and I married my husband at this same house! Her and I have the same maiden name and she passed on my birthday. Its getting harder every day. Love Is Blind! He also carries her obituary in his checkbook. I'm not sure what was hers, his , or theirs. I don't know if I should ask or not. His 18 year old daughter and my 13 year old daughter and 11 year old son live with us. We have so much love for each other but since I moved in over a year ago we argue all the time. We never argued before i moved in.

Answer 1

They should have been taken out before he married you.

Answer 2

Hi bonbonjab--what I can "see" from what you've provided, is that you husband has "issues" or "feelings" or whatever about his deceased wife that are not HEALTHY for you, or for him. For whatever his reasons may be, he's "hanging" onto her. I MUST say that carrying her obituary in his checkbook Is beyond "over the top." Added negatives are having been married in the same house, where all his memories dwell. That may not have been a "choice," but I don't know enough about your circumstances. What I DO know, is that it it must in many ways impact the way that YOU feel, (& he does, too). If she has been "gone" for 5 & 1/2 years, I venture to say that he MUST move on with YOU. Sweeite, he is carrying baggage that is the cause of your "arguing." In many cases, I would not suggest "talking" about this, but in yours--I would. Not in a defensive or critical way, but since you say that you "love" each other, perhaps you can do this in a CONSTRUCTIVE WAY. That is the start. See where it goes from there. There is a common, & substantial change in a relationship when you are "living together." IF IT IS POSSIBLE, & only you know that--I'd suggest "finding" a new house, with a totally different environment, (no ghosts please!) & enjoying TOGETHER, the fun of it. It's perfectly okay if he feels "love" for her forever, but not if if impacts your lives. His wife may remain in his memory, but it is getting in the way of your lives in "reality." Yes, love is often "blind" & in your situatiion, I'd strongly suggest-- only if he is communicative--to let him know how you feel. He simply hasn't "let go" & you BOTH need this. Best of luck-take "baby steps" & feel where it goes.

Answer 3

I married a widower with two children...ages 5 and 9. I had a 10 yr old at the time. I moved into the house that my husband and his former wife shared and its not easy!! I know what exactly what you're going thru! Its very hard being in a "blended family". I wouldn't recommend to anyone! Back to your question....the house is yours and his now that you're married. Its okay to have some of her things around if you are okay with it, but as far as the closet goes....her clothes need to be put away or given away. Your husband should have the common courtesy to do that for you and decide what items should be kept for his children or other relatives. You have every right to ask what can go and what should stay. YOU are his wife now!!!

Answer 4

Personally, I try not to ask a questions if I'm not willing to accept an unpleasant answer.. The only possible reason it would make sense to compare yourself to his deceased first wife, was if you were her clone........... Are you the same person she was? It sounds like you don't respect your husband very much. If you did respect him or his opinion, you would not ask him "leading questions" like this. Nor would you fault him for being honest when you did ask him such a question. "Leading" questions are ones which, no matter HOW the subject answers, he will be implicated.. For example If he had said "no" you might have easily accused him of never loving his deceased wife, or else flat out lying to you. Either way, he can't win, You've already concluded that he's guilty of "not loving you enough," you just want to trick him into confirming it for you, so you can feel justified in your irrational resentment of him. In any case, you should stop pretending that this has anything to do with him or how he feels! This is only about your OWN feelings of self doubt, and your need to feel "superior." "Leading questions" are always asked with the intent to feel superior and to find fault with another person. If you did not have such feelings of doubt, insecurity, and a need for superiority, you would not feel the ridiculous need to compare yourself to a dead woman whom you have never met.

Answer 5

I feel that your husband should have focused on raising his children rather than seek another relationship, but since he already has done so, please remember that he may still be struggling with issues such as whether you're a "replacement" that he may not have paid any attention to if his previous wife was still living. He also has double loyalties now as to who is first in his life. The clothes and physical items may very well be a type of "enshrinement" of her, and, living or not, you do have some competition.

I don't think you're ever going to be able to completely rid him of that attachment. What you can do is encourage him to talk freely about his memories and the person she was to him. Ask about her and let him tell you the stories. He will let go of those physical things in his own time, the recovery from loss of that scale is something that you're not going to be able to speed up except by a caring and loving attitude.

Answer 6

And you are just now bringing this up? WHY did you wait so long? If you haven't even asked him, why not? Is there some reason for this?
I'm not sure that I would personally care what was his, hers or theirs, but to me, her clothes and personal 'stuff' would be best packed and moved to the attic, basement or garage.
Married couples, or anyone who lives together 23/7, argues. But everyone must learn HOW to argue responsibly. No name calling, no flashbacks to the past, no you always/you never. There are many books on the subject as well as books on couples communication. I STRONGLY suggest you get the books, read and share them with your spouse. It is cheaper than a councilor, and really works. All the best!

Answer 7

Well... the day you married, 666... you planned that, so I'll ship it.
Sounds like he's not over her death and the family may need counseling... mainly him and you... yes, it is appropiate for you to expect for her clothes to be gone... his daughter may want pics of her mom... I could deal with that... but her presence is very evident... and a new start, as far as a another house that the two of you picked out and make memories of your own to bond the marriage you created... so ... counseling is the only way.
This is a very touching subject and I don't think you can handle it alone... He needs to be reassured that letting go the the material things is not disrespecting her memory or letting his daughter down as far as the love he had for her mother... all this has to be reassured to him by a professional... counseling, counseling... good luck... also... I've been there done that!!!

Answer 8

My Mom died and my Dad got remarried two years later. He still kept a few of my mom's dresses for a several years. It took about ten years for him to get rid of the last one. (but he kept the dresses at our house, not at his wives house) I was the same way. I kept a whole bunch of my moms stuff at first and then slowly got rid of it as the years went on. I still keep an old apron and an old shirt in my closet that would mean nothing to anyone else. You should allow your husband to have his memories and he doesn't mean he's comparing you and her. His ex-wife was a part of his past and its a part of the greiving process to keep a bit of clothing. Don't rush his grief. It really does take 10 ten years to get over someone.

PS> You both should move. Moving to a new house would help speed up the healing process.

Answer 9

My wife's previous husband died 11 years ago. She kept a few things of his in boxes, got rid of everything else. Some people thought she was cold for doing this. Her point of view is that you can't say goodbye to someone and move on if all their stuff is laying around as if they were coming back. I agree with my wife.

Answer 10

I would tell him to bury her. That's morbid and shows he's carrying a torch for a dead woman.
I would ask him to sit downand tell you if he knows how he ismaking yuo feel. and if he can resolve his issues with his dead wife I would leave him as he never will.
I would give him the goods straight as to how you feel because he should not have to be told. He knows and it's hurting you and your family.
Don't let this ruien your life. Get it settled . you really doin't need this pressure and depression. I've seen it before. Some people are abcessed with their ex-wife or husband. It's like a sore that doesn't heal. don't becoime a part of it.

Answer 11

I really don't want to be the one to break this to you but I don't think it is YOU your husband loves. I think he loves the similarities between you and his deceased wife, frankly I think the man needs to see a therapist, I don't know how long you knew each other before you got married but from here it was obviously too soon...you obviously weren't paying attention to all the little red flags going up in this relationship...