Is it normal...... ?(SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLEASE)?

Question

for a man to not be hurt or have a bruised ego when his wife tells him he doesn't satisfy her in bed?

There is open communication, told him gently for the first 2 years and now frustratingly pleads with him that he won't learn how to make love or touch me. It's mechanical, awkward and doesnt know my body - has to be TOLD everything to do and when to do it. Tried instructional videos, frank conversation and TEARS...he thinks it's funny (he makes jokes about it) that he's not good in bed and says it doesn't hurt him when I tell him how I feel about our love life. He says it's not that important and he could have a relationship without sex. I know for a fact he is NOT gay, he had sexual relations with women all through teenage years, though we did not sleep together before we were married. (Religious reasons.)

I'm SO frustrated and feel neglected and not cared for. I love my husband and want to stay with him, don't want an affair or divorce. What do I do

I'm a sexual person (love lingerie, role playing, will try anything once...very adventurous - believe in satisfying my man completely in the bedroom) but I hold back for fear of rejection. He says I scare him because I demand too much? I'm running out of hope.

Answer 1

You should ask him to go to couple's counseling with you. The therapist may be able to convince him even if you can't. There are also hippie-ish sexual retreats...you could look into those if you are comfortable with that. :-)

Good luck!

Answer 2

Well, this is what I equate to buying a car without taking it for a test drive. With all due respect to religious reasons, this is why it's best to check things out in the bedroom before you get married. You think it won't matter, but it really does!

You can't make him care or have hurt feelings enough to want to change. I do wonder though if his being a dud in bed isn't a reflection of his feelings about you or about the marriage. If there's no passion, at least occasionally, then how do you keep it going? Usually a few hints, a gentle nudge to move something in the right place gets things going, but if he isn't interested, then I think maybe it's time to consider counseling. Problems like this start affair thoughts, and that only leads to you feeling worse in the end.

He may be happy with a sexless relationship, but you won't. People divorce over little frivolous things, but this is kind of a deal breaker. Dry spells and brief disinterest or body/hormone changes can be dealt with, but this is a general committment to a lifetime in dulls-ville!

And by the way, I saw something about asexual men on either 20/20 or 60 minutes or primetime a few weeks back. They weren't gay, they just didn't have any drive at all and no interest in same or opposite sex.

Answer 3

Honestly I don't know what you can do about that but either professional help or leave. I do think that toys would help you, but I do understand that you want your husband to satisfy your needs, and the fact that he doesn't care hurts so bad. I have had problems with my bf where he just doesn't want to have sex, 3 weeks could go by and he just doesn't care, but when we did have sex it was always great, and I was talking about it all the time, until one day I just stopped asking for it and every time I was with him, I had my toys with me, and he didn't get any at all, and if he wanted to have sex, I would find something else that I needed or wanted to do, and he finally realized that it wasn't going to work for him either. I mean masturbation is always an option, but soon he was sick of that too, and there is nothing that would compare to real sex, so he had to learn to consider my desires as well. You should tell your husband that you are not interested in having sex where he is the only one who gets pleasure, and until he is interested in pleasing you, you will be pleasing yourself. For each its own. I am sorry for what you're going through and hope I was able to help, good luck

Answer 4

wow. this is a tough situation. first of all, he should be more considerate of your feelings. he needs to listen to you, I mean really listen. this is really hurting you and he's making jokes. I don't think it's funny at all, and I'm sure you don't either.
please whatever you do, don't have an affair. that will make things much worse, and you'll end up hating yourself for it.
maybe he should see a doctor. if he feels like he could have a happy relationship without sex, he could have some kind of hormone problem. either way, it's not normal. I really would take him to a doctor. if they don't find anything wrong with him, then I honestly don't know what would make him just not give a hoot.
maybe you could just sit him down and tell him that you need to know why he doesn't care whether or not you have sex, and ask him why he doesn't care that he's not pleasing you, and doesn't even want to know how to please you. you have to get some answers from him. obviously, there's nothing wrong with you. it's his problem. and the least he could possibly do is to give you some answeres. he owes you that much. what he's doing to you is wrong.
I sincerely hope things work out for you.

Answer 5

a loving husband should want to do everything possible to make sure that love-making is satisfing for his wife. the fact that he isn't taking your complaints seriously seems really strange.

i don't think a brusied ego is the issue here.. he seems either disinterested or in denial about the entire thing..

the fact that he may have had many casual sex partners in his teen years may also play a role. could be he things sex is just a casual activity and doesn't really seem to care about the emotional side to it..

how does he react to the sex? is he enjoying it? ..could be he is only concerned with his own needs and doesn't seem to think your needs are important..

overall, i have serious doubts that he loves you as much as he may say.. i think marriage counsilling is what's needed here. someone needs to talk some sense into him and make him understand the importance of communication, and the imporance of making sure that both partners are getting what they want out sex.

as a last resort, you could try with-holding sex until he agrees to participate equally and make sure it isn't just about his wants and needs.

Answer 6

I don't know how old he is or how long the two of you have been married, but - maybe he does have a bruised ego. It also may be a medical condition causing his "lack" of sex drive. He could go to his physician and talk with him. You could suggest he go. In the meantime, keep talking with him - even if it is frustrating. Keep your communication open. I really hope things work out for you.

Answer 7

OKAY listen up!!!! i know others are tellin u he's gay........well i don't think that's the case because his problem is getting PHYSICAL with you...not compatible or connectable or etc. if he can't get sexual with u, he might not be able to get sexual with a male either. his problem is that maybe he's NEVER been really satisfied either. Once he gets satisfied and enjoys sex, or at least goes into it with good intentions: pleasing my wife, having fun, etc....his mood will change. but your husband, from the start, doesn't care for it...and it seems like he's REALLY inconfident. It would be adventurous for you to have an affair, but i know everyone's gonna attack me for sayin it....u would really enjoy it...but anyway. SEEK COUNSELING, and make him go with you or ELSE...

Answer 8

Obviously he doesn't care if he satisfies you or not, looks like he just goes for self. Could be many reasons why he's like that, but the main one is selfishness. He says he could have a relationship without sex, BS. He would stay with you but mess around, I would wonder if he isn't already, and thats why he has no creativity in bed.

Answer 9

Sure it hurts his ego depending on the way it was communicated to him. We must learn how to be tactful even when we want to convey the truth. Open lines of communication are very important, but we must be careful of how we say things to our mates. -Seems like you've tried the usual angles, now why not try some professional counseling especially since your husband doesn't think it's important and isn't considering your feelings.

Answer 10

I could see how it could really become frustrating. I guess I would be starting to replace him with toys!! He could maybe hold a toy to let him and you feel like he's still a part if the sex! By just stopping sex all together wouldn't be right, so try this. Hey, why be proud, your only human...He might not think it's so funny after that, competing with a vibrator....OH WELL!!

Answer 11

Are you sure that he isn`t gay? Having had sexual relationships with girls before doesn`t mean anything. I have never heard of anyone who would NOT be bothered by his girlfriend saying the things you said to him.
Has he always been this way? Is he having an affair and lost interest in you sexually?
I don`t know but if he doesn`t care about how you feel about this subject, I`m wondering what all else he does not care about....