How can I leave my Husband when I am a stay at home mom and he doesn't want me to work?

Question

I want to go to work and save money to get my own place. My family lives 3000 miles away and all I have here is my husband's family. I don't want to be with him anymore, and I would like to leave will I love him instead of hate him. I have thought about just going and getting a job, and telling him to just deal with it, but he can get real mean and say very hateful things and I don't want my kids to have to deal with that. Right now I just do want he wants, but I'm tired of not have a say in what I do.

Answer 1

You are being abused and controlled. Take your children and go to a women's shelter. If your town has a family violence project or similar agency, contact them. If you don't know where it's located, call the non-emergency number of the police department and ask them. You should not raise your children in this environment, or they will learn it's OK to be treated like you are. Good luck to you. You deserve better.

Answer 2

Leaving your husband is a very big step especially as you have children. You say you still love him but that you don't want to be with him anymore, and you are tired of not having a say in what you do. If you are bored and lonely then you will feel unhappy in your relationship but leaving him may not be the answer.

You need to talk to him and explain that you are not as happy as you could be, that you love him and it is not a criticism of him but that you need something more in your life just as he has his work outside the home. His reaction will tell you whether your relationship has a future or not.

In the meantime I would suggest the following:
- join some clubs, do voluntary work, take some courses, anything to give you a wider circle than just your husband's family - you don't need his permission to do this!
- this will give you more choices and skills and also show your husband that the world does not end when you do things outside the home
- you can then suggest to him that maybe you get a part-time job and that the extra money will help buy better holidays for the kids, etc
- if when you have your life in better balance with job, friends, etc you are still unhappy with him, then that's the time to think about leaving.

Of course if he is violent or abusive in any way then you should leave now.

Good luck

Answer 3

Well, I don't know how long you have been married, but if the home was bought after the two of you were married or had your first child together then it is equally yours as long as a prenuptual agreement was never signed. You could always file for divorce and have him leave the residence. If this is not an option for you, then you can always pick up and leave, file for a legal separation, file for housing assistance, an get food stamps. As a mother of three, you have a lot of options. If you are unable to get a decent job, you can also apply for assistance for schooling. You will get full benefits and possibly very cheap to free daycare. If you are a single mother, the state will pay for college and the daycare because in the long run it is cheaper to do this than provide welfare and health insurance until the children are eighteen, not to mention the housing assistance. If I were you, I would file the legal separation and change the locks on the house and lovingly pack his belongings. I do not kno what the circumstances are behind your need for divorce, but you have the children and they are entitled to the comforts of home no matter the circumstances. Then I would go to the state welfare office, apply for welfare, food stamps, health insurance, schooling assistance, child care assisstance, and legal aid. You will need the legal aid for the divorce and for collecting child support. If you want to keep the house, I would ask that his child support be just the mortgage payment. If you do not wan tthat, then the legal aid will handle all of that. If you are smart you will make sure you have all of the children's personal things (birth certificates and shot records and SS#) and make sure you have the previous years taxes (From this past April). That way you have all of the neccessary papers to begin any paperwork for the above.

Answer 4

Well darling do what your heart says. If that means leaving him, then do it. For heaven sakes your a female adult who has a mind of her own. Do what your heart says to do. You will never be your own person or be able to find who you really are unless you leave.
I know it is hard because you have children, if they are in there teens and capable of looking after themselve then for goodness sale find you own life. You have done the best you can with out been thanked.

You need time out, as for working you won't have a problem findin
a job. believe me, I have done it and I have never been happier.
Have my own place now after three years and working my little tooshy off. Working in places like Coles or Woolworths behind the counter and Bar work for three years. Did a Business course at night and now have my own business. Who says woman can't get back into the workforce.

Answer 5

i know it's long but please read my whole answer.
I'd like to lay out your options ruthlessly as I see them. Here goes:

Before I start, I have to ask you first, do you have to leave him?
Is it a must? Can you teach him not to say hateful things and to treat you like a human being?

You are right to want to end things now before they get worse, i'm just questioning the 'how' of what you want to accomplish.

Can his family be talked to so they can take a hand?

You need to make a big step. From your question, you almost seem to be asking 'how can I keep the comforts of my life as it is now and cut out its discomforts. You don't want to move all that far away from your comfort zones and especially not into a worse situation. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but you have to think that for you to make your next move successfully you have to be aware of what you're losing in your present life compared to what you'll be gaining in your next situation. that's why I was asking what I did at first, so you ask yourself 'is it worth it?'

it's all about the bills, the kids, housing, transport to get them to school... it would be easier if you just had a man who could change.

Your first option would be to try and change him but i presume that's been tried and failed.

the counselling option comes with a lot of politics that only you would be able to think or talk about it as an option

asking people from home to move home permanently or temporarily so they can help you in your present home or in your next home with your children is another option, but there are many considerations to take with that and it depends on how much your family is available or willing to give up for you, again it's definitely a possibility: people CAN move house temporarily or permanently, they can let their place and rent out another etc it's a big ask, it's tedious and long but...

you can have someone come and live with you to help you out, but if you don't have space in your house, or if your husband won't listen to third party, that would be a bit redundant

you could cheat on him and move into your new man's house, but it's certainly not something your priest, or agony aunt or counsellor would suggest!

i'm not saying that you should DO any of those things because I don't have any more perspective on your life than you've given us.

how willing are you to pursue leaving him? how much are you prepared to do? because whatever it is, it's got to be a BIG step you've got to take that leap and leave behind a lot of good stuff that you've had as well as the bad.

talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water!

whatever you do, I wish you all the best. i still think that your most ideal option is just to talk to him, and let him really see your side of it and have him change 'cos there was a reason you married him and most of your marriage seems fine except for this sticking point. he is showing some classic symptoms of a man who develops into a wife beater, you need friends, you need family, you need professionals around you. you need to talk to your kids and you need to find something(s) to say to him.

but you're right though: don't postpone it because the unpleasantness will just grow, do it now, however hard it is, just find a way somehow!

good luck x

Answer 6

It sounds like he wants the old cliche of "broke, pregnant, and barefoot." Better that you get out now, before, you lack the will to even think about it. As to your childre, there may be an ugly scene or two, but once you establish yourself, you can take the children with you and make a better life, for you all. This may also serve as a wakeup call for your husband.

Answer 7

Domestic violence is a crime.

Have him charged after you tape him abusing you. Get an order of protection right away ordering him out of the house. File for a divorce with the help of an attorney. You may qualify for a free attorney because you are the victim here and there are funding sources through the government to help you!

ACT TODAY! PROTECT YOU AND YOUR KIDS!

Answer 8

If you are stuck, mentally, physically or financially.

Then you should get free somehow so you get to choose.

It really depends on what is holding you back.

Would he support you in leaving or not?

Do you have somebody or someplace better to go to?

Where would you go?

What would you do?

Do you have the resources to do it. Economic or otherwise?

You need a viable plan, be real about it, then when that is there, make the next move.

Answer 9

i feel for u sista. i once lived like this yrs ago. but i was blessed w/my family only being min's away.i know u can feel real sad and lonely but just give all your problems to god. and keep praying. this is what changed my whole life. and were still together after 29 yrs. we are now reborn christian's. but we did seperate due to the same madness u are going through. just keep on saving, go to chruch w/your kids. and show them the love and peace that follows u in chruch.

Answer 10

So very hard. but I wish i had better advice but I can share a statistic that couples who worked thru a serious relationship issue were 83% happier 5 years down the road then couples who divorced

best of luck and will pray for your situation


dave