Why am I having such a hard time accepting that my girlfriend has a child?

Question

I have been living with my girlfriend and her daughter for about 7 months now. I am one of the fortunate people who always new I was lesbian. She got pregnant to a man she hated, married him, and lived with him for 5 years before coming out. She is 9 years older than me. I love her, but I can't accept the fact that she was so weak. I don't understand it, and I resent the fact that her child to a man she hates is partially my responsibility. He is still in the picture. It's a party every other weekend when he has her, and we are the ones who get to raise her. It is taking a toll on our relationship. I am 28 and she is 37. I just can't get used to raising someone else's kid, and yet being completely seperate from that part of my g-friend's world. Everyone says I should give it time. Kids from a previous relationship make relationships in general much more challenging. Is there anyone out there who can relate?

Thanks for your honest responses. The good and the bad. I know I can be selfish. I know I an be guarded. I am an ace at protecting myself. Unfortunately, it's a hard habit to break. The child is 12-years old, so she is close to hitting puberty. My girlfriend, her mother, doesn't want to "go at it" alone so she never set any rules or boundaries. She wants me to be her equal. I help the kid with her homework, go for walks with her, practice soccer with her, and help her make decisions regarding her child including discipline, etc. If I mention something that her child did as far as not following rules she gets mad at me and expects me to handle it. I voice concern to her about her expectations. It all still feels very new to me...this parental role. Yes, her past is her past I will never understand it, but I love her now and don't have to. I resent all that is expected of me when the absolute bare minimum is expected and brought to the table by him.

Answer 1

I had a daughter from my marriage when I met my partner. She was 3 years old when we met...at first he didn't really even know what to do with her, how to act around her. But this last summer she moved out and left for college and he was just as sad when she left as I was....they are right it takes time, it takes a considerable ammount of time.

As for how you feel about her past - well we all have a past. Her's just comes with a name.

Answer 2

I suggest you either change your head very soon or get out of the relationship. The child will soon accept you as part of the family, and here you are, resenting the poor kid...this is NOT her fault, and who amoung us has not made some very bad decisions. IF the only good thing that came from your GF's marriage was the child, why are you so resentful. The child did not magically appear AFTER you were in bed with mom, she was there all along. Sorry, but you sound like a child yourself, and perhaps you need a mom, not a lover. Children are a gift and are to be treasured. All children come with baggage, it is the adult's job to unpack the baggage and make life good for the child. You do not sound up to the job, so I suggest that before it gets worse, say adios muchacha for everyone's sake.
And yes, I can relate. I was raised by a stepfather who came into my life at 14 years old (me, not him). I made his life a living hell, I am sure....but he stuck it out, and he is my dad today, I love him very much. I just cannot believe he stayed around with all the crap my brother and I handed out. But he did..and to this day, he is here for me....and I am OLD! Please do not let this little girl become attached to you, then you run off...that is what her father did, or her mother did..whatever. good luck

Answer 3

no, i can't relate. just because she was confused doesn't make her weak. if she was, then she eventually got up enough strength to leave and live her life. it sounds like you need to cut your losses and keep it moving. you obviously are not ready to have a child in your life. if you were, then you wouldn't be so " me this, i that". you would know that once you have a child, that child is top priority. this child has already received a few blows, the divorce, trying to understand that mommy like girls now and not boys.... and trust me when i say that this child knows exactly how you feel about her. kids aren't stupid, you know. you don't have it in your heart to love this child. it doesn't make you a bad person by any means. it only means that you aren't ready. kids are a blessing. if your girlfriend knew how you really felt, she would drop you like a bag of hot potatoes, or at least i would. do the most unselfish thing you've ever done before in your life..... let this family go and make room for someone who can give this child the love that you can not or will not give. good luck to you.

Answer 4

I can't relate completely but holding the fact that she had a child with a man against her, there are worse things in this world she could have done.

I really think your problem is that you are having a hard time stomaching the idea that your woman was with a man and now they have a child and he is going to be apart of that childs life. Plenty of men have to deal with this issue to it sucks sometimes because he's always going to be there.

So what she slept with a man. So what she had his baby. Her past/ your past isn't the focus, you both have a daughter to raise if ends she up straight you'll have to teach her how to avoid *******. In the mean time your daughters dad is going to be there hopefully he loves her. Your hopefully not going to ditch out on her, she needs you and so does your GF.

It really sounds like you have some hatred in you be careful not to pass that on to your child.

Answer 5

There are a lot of people who don't want kids around when they are in a relationship especially when the relationship is so new.
I learned quickly when I first came out not to mention that I had kids. I mean I hated having to hid that fact but until I got to know the guy better I usually didn't let on. The funny thing about that is that a lot of gay guys love kids and want kids of their own. I just found that so many guys would say 'bye bye' to me once I tole them I had kids and my kids didn't even live with me they lived with their mom in a different town. I only was my kids every other weekend when they came to spend the weekend at my place. I never expected any or my b/f to participate in the up bringing of my kids but it sure was nice when I had then for the weekend and if he was with me that same weekend if he did stuff with them, just little stuff like helping them tie their shoes when they were to small to do it themselves. Things anybody could help you with not just your significate other, the one who loves you! If I love somebody I try to help them in anyway I can, buts that's just me!
I say if you truely love this woman, stick with her, help her in anyway you can with her life, before you know it that little 9 year old will be all grown up. It makes me so sad that my kids are all grown up now, I hardly ever get to see them anymore they are all so busy with their own lives! :-(
*hugs*
JAC<

Answer 6

Yup. Kids were never a part of my picture, so coming out had the additional bonus of shutting up all the people who told me I'd want kids someday. I dated (pretty casually) a woman who had a son for a while, but being a parent just never did it for me and we broke up. I have never since allowed myself to get involved with someone who has kids, which has not been the easiest thing sometimes. I feel for you. My father has remarried, and the relationship between his wife and I was never comfortable.

Answer 7

My partner would be able to relate.
I too have a child from a previous relationship and for the past ten years she and I have raised him together. Granted it wasn't a picnic at first, but she genuinely liked my son right from the start, so that helped.
What also helped was laying down some ground rules as far as parenting went. Since he is my son I was the ultimate authority as to doling out chores, making sure they were done, helping with homework and the punishment/reward system. I let her know what my expectations were as far as what he was and was not allowed to do, such as no going out to play before homework or chores were done and that sort of thing. He was also made aware that he was not allowed to play her at anytime.

Communication really helped where my son was concerned. The first couple of years were rocky, but that was partly due to my partner and I simply getting used to each other's habits and living together as well as my son adjusting to the fact that there was another adult in his life.
After the first couple of years things became second nature. It took on more of a routine.
My partner came in when my son was nearly out of elementary school, so she's had to deal with his adolescence and puberty right along with me.
What really helped was learning to anticipate his growth stages and be ready with communication and sticking to a plan of action when unexpected situations arose. (as they often do and will without warning)

As far as your resentment, you made the descission to be in a relationship with a woman who has a child. It's not like the child suddenly sprang out of thin air. The child was there BEFORE you were and you have to accept it if you're going to continue having a relationship with her.
As far as your resenting her having a child from a man she NOW hates, well that's just how it is sometimes. Deal with it. Get over your emotions, get some counseling if you feel you need to. It might help even if you get couples counseling.
Just remember, not all lesbians are or were as comfortable in their skin as you were.
I, myself, wasn't able to accept being a lesbian until after my marriage broke up. I always knew I was, but thought if I played the part that I would suddenly Become the part. But after my divorce I had to realize that if I was going to raise my son to be honest I had to lead by example. It was not easy coming to terms with the fact that I was indeed a lesbian and had to face up to it.
Give your partner the credit she deserves for confronting her demons and accepting who she is. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her either.

Also, I have to say this now....please make up your mind as soon as possible. Don't let that child become attached to you if you just plan on abandoning her in a couple of months because you can't grow up.
It's not fair to the child at all. Her father has already become a "part-time" parent, she doesn't need another.

Answer 8

I think that if u feel that strongly about it u should just go because sooner or later your feelings will show. There is no need to hurt the kid n that matter , and i am not sayin it too say that u meant to hurt her but if u feel sum type of way about sumthin its hard to hide. She can choose between u or her child that is ur choice do u wanna deal with it or dont you. If u dont then u should just go. It is a waste of time bein with sum 1 if u have negative thought about them u have no tieds with her.

Answer 9

You resent the child because you have to share her mother with her.You want all the attention.You think the child is somehow taking away from getting to really get close with your girlfriend.Your afraid that your girlfriend might seek another male attention & that you'll lose her. The child represents that attraction to men .

Answer 10

No. U dont need all the mess and lies. Also if u with her u hav to be aware u r with the child and u cannot blame the child for any of this. It sounds like this woman has issues and i think ul be best off getting on with ur life. Do u really think the 3 of u cud be happy together in healthy relationships... If so go for it but i think ul have a hard time trusting her from wat uv said. Goodluck