A few weeks ago, I broke up with my first girlfriend. We were dating for five months and developed a strong emotional bond, so we want to stay friends. We still have long phone calls, hug each other a lot, and keep up some old "traditions" (meeting eachother at work, etc).
I know she's still hurting, and I know she still hopes we can get back together, but I want her to be open for new relationships. I don't want to do anything that "keeps her guessing", or makes her afraid to meet someone new in case I "suddenly want to make things work". What are some really good, clear boundaries that we can follow so that both of us can move forward and remain good friends?
2006-11-28 06:14:54 · 10 answers · asked by lovesickness_rocks 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Oh, wow... these answers are pretty depressing, but if so many people feel that way, maybe the friendship thing isn't such a good idea after all. :(
It might not change things in the general opinion... but what if I mentioned that my ex had managed to remain close friends with one of her former girlfriends? Would you see that as a sign of hope, or as a further warning sign?
Thanks for all the honesty, by the way. I really appreciate this.
2006-11-28 06:22:31 · update #1
I can honestly understand the closeness and wanting to keep her in your life, but you both need some distance time. She is still in relationship mode, with hopes of making it official again, this has to be fixed. Basically try to cool things down for a while - talk to her and hang out, but not as often, not as long, and lay off the hugging. You need to treat her more like an aquaintence than a close friend for about 2-3 months...by then relationship mode should be gone and you two can be friends without other feelings. Good luck!
2006-11-28 08:02:59 · answer #1 · answered by Alexis 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It can work, but it's really hard. Even if you're both totally clear about the fact that it's over, when one of you starts seeing someone else there is pain, and there is jealousy, however much you try to deny it and hide it. My best friend was my lover five years ago, and it's only really because he was very strong-minded and set the boundaries that it had any chance of working. It can also be really hard on a new person that one of you wants to start seeing, to have an ex so close - it causes suspicion, and makes them think you haven't moved on, which can be offputting.
I really hope you can do it, because losing a good friend is a terrible thing, but be prepared for it to be a rocky road. Good luck.
2006-11-28 06:57:50 · answer #2 · answered by JBoy Wonder 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sit down and talk to her about what you both would agree is best. Me and my first have been split up for about 4 years and we are still good friends, it is possible. You just have to learn how to control your emotions. Yes there will be times when you both feel hurt, God knows when I see my ex with his new lover I still get jealous. But I've learned to be happy for him. It ultimately depends on the two of you if your friendship will last or crash. Wish you the best.
2006-11-28 06:26:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Be totally honest, sit down and discuss it with her. I, for one, have been able to stay on good terms, even close friends, with many of my ex lovers, so I know it's possible. Let her know how you feel, and make it clear that you have moved on and want her to also. If both of you can accept that, then set the ground rules yourselves, it is the two of you who have to live with it, after all.
2006-11-28 06:42:03 · answer #4 · answered by ? 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Garfield. I was in that situation, I was the one longing for my "friend". It was so emotional. Took me 2 years to get over him because we were still hanging out. He eventually found someone else and broke my heart when he wanted to end our "friendship". I finally got over him after we stopped hanging out and moved on to someone else.
2006-11-28 06:29:21 · answer #5 · answered by hello 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
From what I understand, it's not possible to be "just friends", particuarly if one party still wants to get back together.
It might be best to only meet with a group of mutual friends or to cut off all contact.
It hurts, and it sucks, but this "we're not really together/sorta/don't know what to call it" dance just drags everyone over glass.
2006-11-28 06:17:57 · answer #6 · answered by Bookworm 6 · 5⤊ 1⤋
A 20 foot fence is a good boundry. Sometimes a restraining order is also needed.
2006-11-28 06:43:38 · answer #7 · answered by ♂ Randy W. ♂ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tough question and tough to answer...I could never stay friends with my ex...I was the one dumped...because I could never let him go...I read all kinds of things into every word he said because I wanted to believe we could still "be"...If it works for you that's great ...but it's hard and never worked in my case. good luck.
2006-11-28 06:24:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
They should not exist. There is no reason to be with an ex. It can only lead to some being hurt especially your new relationship
2006-11-28 06:16:57 · answer #9 · answered by keith s 5 · 2⤊ 2⤋
dont remain friends...never works...one always gets hurt in the end
2006-11-28 06:17:00 · answer #10 · answered by jenivive 6 · 3⤊ 2⤋