Marriage unhappy. What should I do?

Question

Met my wife on eHarmony. We dated for 8 months before we married. Thought we were very compatable. Turns out she has some very deeply rooted issues as well as some sleep issues. She's a very sweet person and a great mom, but I can't seem to get past her lack of home making abilities and lack of financial responsibility. I hate to "nag" her. I've made numerous suggestions (usually during the couse of an arguement) but she lacks the coping skills to get past the hurt created and move toward a solution. She pretty much shuts down. This is counter-productive and frustates me. Now, I feel like a zombie and can't seem to find any joy in this relationship. We have been married for a year and nothing has changed much at all. There are no kids between us(she wants one, but I can't tell her I'm not real sure I want to commit to that). I'm sure this hurts her, too. We each have two kids from a previous marriage(my wife died of cancer). I thought she got what she wanted, why can't I?

Answer 1

Second marriages are extremely difficult especially when you have children from a previous marriage and emotional baggage. If you loved her enough to marry her, you should love her enough to get help. Go to couples counseling or therapy. Don't focus so much on the negative but focus on those things that brought you together in the first place. Also remember that you have 4 children looking at you both and learning about relationships from you. Couple's shouldn't run the opposite way when the going gets tough. Realize that she's different and she has issues that maybe have never been dealt with. Be patient and forgiving. Don't be so quick to throw your marriage away. Do everything in your power to save the marriage. Don't give up. Seek help ASAP!! Good luck!

Answer 2

I don't think I understand the question. I have been married for 11 years. I can honestly say that we've alot of hard times that most people don't have and we've still managed to stay together. That being said. No marriage is happy 100% if the time and it should never be expected to be. Unhappy marriages can be from a number of reasons and if it's that unhappy then ask why they stay together and if it would be better to split. No one deserves to be unhappy

Answer 3

You should seek a counselor, if she'll go. Don't be so quick to give up on her. You two jumped in pretty quick and that's ok, but if you care about her and you say she's a sweet person then try to be more supportive of her. Maybe you two could take some cooking classes together or something that will help her understand your homemaking wants. Also, realize that she's not your ex-wife, that she is going to be different and things arent going to be the same.

Let her know you want to work together with her to make it great again and that you want to have a strong financial future with her. You could even offer to take over the finances for both of you since you're the accounting hound.

Buy her some flowers, light her 30 candles when she's taking a shower and have her walk out into a room fille with candles. Do something nice for her, then talk about how you want things to go well. Don't talk about your issues when youre angry. Also if Alcohol or drugs is a factor, make sure you're both sober before trying to go forward with serious talk.

Let her know you care first and that you still love her and that you want things to be great.

Good luck!

Answer 4

You didn't notice these traits during the 8 month courting period? When you say home making abilities, I am assuming you mean cooking, cleaning, etc. This should have been evident even if you didn't live together. Finances a different story.

None of these things are a good reason for divorce (to me). Sounds like counseling is in order if she is shutting down when you try to talk about it. She probably takes it as you lecturing her and talking at her, not to her. Sometimes it helps to have a facilitator help get your point across. Cleaning is a habit trait. If she has been a messy person don't expect her to change now. You should have recognized this from the beginning. Best you can do is find a house cleaner to help her or do it yourself.

Answer 5

I think, your first mistake is making suggestions "in the course of an argument". For the discussion to be constructive, it should not be an argument. Have you tried making the same suggestions by simply talking to her? For as long as you resent certain things about each other, this marriage will destroy itself. For it to flourish, you both *have to* "get past" certain issues and flaws that you see in each other. So, she lacks home-making abilities. Well, maybe hiring a maid should be a part of a family budget then, just as buying groceries is. Financial irresponsibility is a more serious problem; but certain skills can be learned, and certain safe-guards implemented to help the situation (perhaps your financial advisor could offer suggestions). I don't think it's fair to marry someone, and then spend a year trying to "change" them. You married them for a reason, you saw good qualities in this person - so, work with what you have, build on the positives, instead of trying to make them into the person you want them to be.

Answer 6

Do you know what happened in her previous marriage? If her ex-husband wasn't very understanding and complained about her too much, and that led to her current issues, you are not doing any better than him. I'm not a relationship expert, but from reading your question, I noticed you mention more of her negatives than her positives, if you do that in front of her, friends and relatives as well, then I think you should know why she's pretty much shut down. Suggest seeing a marriage counselor, see if she's interested in working the marriage out! Try to have a quite time and place away from the kids, where the both of you can sit down and talk. Let her talk and you must listen seriously and understand things from her perspective! Each one of you talk about your relationship goals, and what do you want from this relationship, and what steps can you take together to make it work towards theses goals. I know sometimes it can be frustrating and you might get angry, but say this to yourself "if I get angry will it make matters worse? And do I want to make them worse? No... Do I want to make them better? Yes... then what can I do to make them better?" this conversation with yourself not only calms you down, but give you a little positive attitude and you will be one with the wiser choices! Try not to always think and do things your way, one shouldn't expect his spouse to be his/her clone! Again, if you are handling things the same way her ex did then maybe that's what's causing her to not be productive. Last and most important, Show her that you still and will always love her no matter what.. THINK ROMANTIC!! roses, a back massage, and surprise her with a romantic dinner at home!

Good luck & I hope everything works out between you!

Answer 7

When my marriage was goin the same way I sat down and talked to my wife about counseling. We searched around til we found someone that she listened to without shutting down. Sometimes counselors are counter-productive because the two of can't connect to them.. Before you give up you should give that a try and that doesn't mean 1 or 2 sessions and everything is fixed. It takes time, for change things just don't happen over night. As far as money goes, give her a log book for all her purchases and the two of you go over how much was spent that day after awhile the money problem will be fixed. At least worked for me.

Answer 8

You can take over the financial decisions if she is not capable of doing that, no big deal. Not all women are susy homemaker, and lack proper housekeeping skills, but you can also help there. You say she is sweet and a great mom, so work on these issues before you give up and before you decide to have more kids.

Answer 9

I think you have an excellent wife. What i guess is that you are slightly more enthsiastic and demanding as compared to her. It appears that you are perfectionist and likes to be more organised in your life. Now lets get to the solution. I think being a perfectionist and enthusiastic is no harm rather good qualities but please do not expect the same from others who are not. Now its your duty to be more considerate towards your partner and show resilience and patience. Try to cover up the deficiencies of the house through your own qualities and let me assure you she is already doing it what all qualities she has. I am a Muslim and God says in Holy Quran that be loveable towards women and you may not like something in them but they might have some other qualities which you like in them. So overlook their weaknesses and concentrate more o their good things which youlike in them. I believe ball is in your court and you have to drive the cart of your house by showing more promising attitude towards your wife. I am sure you will make an excellent couple.

Answer 10

I think you're wise to avoid having a child at this point. That would make it much harder to separate if you come to that point.

But before you do that, try counseling first. Find a marriage counselor, a psychiatrist, or if you're religious, a minister. There was something about her that you liked, so in my mind, it would be worth the work and expense to try to resolve the issues.

If that doesn't work, then you have to decide if you're better off with her or without her.