Should she leave him?

Question

My sister has been married for 15 years. She is now 36 years old. The plan has always been to make sure the financial stability was in place before starting a family. They have been well off financially for many years and she has been anxious to have a child. They have tried for the past year and she recently had a miscarrage. Now her husband says he does not want to have children. It is absolutley breaking her heart. He has always known she wanted children. I think he is being selfish and shallow and she should leave him. She cannot picture her life without a child. She is very depressed and is considering leaving him. I think it is unfair that he has taken this away from her. What do you think?

I believe this is his way of forcing a divorce. She is a wonderful wife yet I have felt for several years he has lost interest in their marrage. This would be a way for him to get out yet not have any of the guilt attached with abandonment

Answer 1

You only have one life to live. If the subject of children was discussed before hand, and he's all of a sudden had a change of heart, then she should do what she has to do because if she doesn't, she's going to regret not having any kids, and she's going to be hateful towards him for the rest of her life. It comes down to what's more important to her, children or her marriage. She can get married again, but once her body says times up, it's up.

Answer 2

Wow...this is a very sad situation, and I know you are lookinkg for advice but no one on here can truly answer your question for your sister. The thing with making plans or planning out your life, is that most likely it will not happen that way. She has been waiting for so many years to get ready for a child, but has she really sat down with her husband and asked him how he really feels?? He may have been hoping that they would never get to a point financially that they could have a child. 15 years in a marriage is a long time, and she is def. getting to an age that she needs to have children if she is going to. I know that I would never marry a man and wait so long to have children. You are never really ready for a child, no matter how much money you have...so waiting for those reasons is something he may have wanted and not really your sister. I know that having a child is the most important thing in my life. I want nothing more than a child and a husband to be a wife too. I would have to move on with my life unless he was willing to change his mind. But be careful bc you dont want to force a man to a have a child if he does not want too...she could end up alone no matter what.

This is a tough situation. I would urge your sister to talk to her husband and really look at why he has changed his mind, I have a feeling that he may not hvae ever wanted children.

Good luck and god bless.

Answer 3

Ok, having a one night stand to fall pregnant, then spending the rest of her life lying to her husband and the child about who the father is is not a solution.
And neither is running off and having a child by herself. After everything she's been through and is going through now, and with the depression she's already suffering (which is totally understandable), the great strain of raising a baby all by herself is only going to make things worse.
If the husband is still interested in being married to her at all, he'll be willing to go to counselling. At least that way she'll find out once and for all where he stands on the subject.
If he still says no, no kids, and she really does want them, then she will probably leave him. No point staying married and resenting her husband for the rest of her life, is there?
And if she does leave him, she shouldn't rush off and fall pregnant to the next man who comes along, either. The decision to have children is a joint one, it should not be forced on either the woman or the man.
I wish her luck and happiness,
Donna :)

Answer 4

After 15 years of marriage I don't think it would be wise to leave...just yet. They have obviously made it this far through things that have already happened in their marriage and should continue to work on this as well. Many women don't consider how hard it is for a man to loose a child because they are consumed with their own grief. Many people who experience a miscarriage go through a period of doubt about trying again. This may take some time to talk through, it may just be too soon after the miscarrage to discuss trying again. I think it would be a shame to throw away that many years of marriage in today's times of divorced people. And who knows if she will find anyone who is willing to get married and have children in their upper 30's. This is something that happens for a reason and they should work through the reasons why it has happened to them.

Answer 5

many men say a lot of stupid things that they don't mean, especially when they are hurt and scared of it happening again. for example, after my first daughter passed away when she was a week old, i unexpectedly got pregnant 3 months later. he tried to talk me into having an abortion, and it really broke my heart that he could even think of such a thing. but he had lost another baby in a previous relationship due to a still birth, and after what happened with our daughter, he was horrified of forming an attatchment then going through the same thing all over again. needless to say, i did not have an abortion, i brought my daughter into the world, and she'll be 2 years old next week, and her father loves her very much. now, there's probably a lot more going on here than your brother in law changing his mind about having kids. it's a good possibility that he is having a hard time dealing with the miscarriage, and he's scared of history repeating itself. losing a child is the most difficult thing that one can experience, and it takes a very long time to heal those wounds. have they gone to family counseling? would they consider adoption as an alternative? just be there for them when they need you, they've got a difficult road ahead of them. i hope everything works out for the best.

Answer 6

Wow this is a touchy subject. In the eyes of God they are both probably wrong... He for not compromsing for her desires, and she for leaving based on a fact besides adultry. If he does not budge and decide to compromise it can be hard especially after 15 years. Everything happens for a reason and it could be that maybe later in the future that when they are both ready that she will be blessed with a child... She should bring up the fact that this is what she wants in her life and see how he reacts to her possible seperating for a little to settle differences. Seperating and being apart might make him wake up and smell the coffee.. God bless!

Answer 7

That is a hard question to answer. Does she love him? If she leaves him then does she have someone else in mind to father a child? I think that they should seek some marriage counseling before any decision is made. It might be that the miscarriage has scared him and now he is afraid to keep trying to have children. If she truly wants children and he truly doesn't, then it might be best for them to go their separate ways. But they have been married for 15 years, they should try to work things out.

Answer 8

I think she should not be so quick to abandon such a long marriage. Her husband might have lots of reasons -- maybe he feels like a baby-making machine, or like he's not enough for her anymore, or maybe he's afraid that she'll miscarry again.

Since you've said she's depressed (and that money isn't an issue), I think you should recommend that she see a counselor, who can help her work through the emotional issues. After a while, when her husband sees the positive changes in her life, maybe she can suggest couples' counseling for the two of them! I strongly believe that the vast majority of marriages are not only worth saving, they CAN be saved -- but not without work!

Please encourage your sister not to give up, but to get help. I'm praying for her.

Answer 9

perhaps they should consider counseling. it sounds like he may be hurt and disillusioned by the miscarriage. some men don't quite understand it and it's a natural fear for him to not want to take the chance of losing another child. you stated that they both wanted children when they were financially stable...
i think you're being selfish. your sister has been married for 15 years. why would you want her to walk away from almost half of her life? naturally there will be issues after a miscarriage, you should be offering support to both your sister and your brother-in- law.

Answer 10

I think they're both going through a tough time right now. I don't think he's dealt with his feelings of losing a child yet and once he does then maybe he'll want to try again. I'd tell your sister to sit down with her husband and let him know how much this is affecting her and then go see a counselor to work this out. A miscarriage is hard on both parties and they need to work it out.