Should I be concerned? Truly feel that we have a great marriage, but there's a little nagging voice asking ?s

Question

I have been married for four years to the only woman whom I have ever truly been in love with. I assisted wife in locating an ex-boyfriend for the purposes of inviting him to a family event. He had been been considered 'part of the family'. Wife went out of town for work about six weeks ago. When she returned, something was off. I asked , and she admitted to having gone to dinner with and returning to her hotel room with the ex-boyfriend. In the interim, we have talked, established a stronger, closer bond. She says that she did not intend for things to happen the way they did, she would never leave me, that she loves me and is closer that she has ever been to anyone; a re-birth of our love.
I know that they still talk on the phone. She says that they are friends, she still has feelings (not sexual) for him, but that they would never work together. Is it being confident and assured to allow this or am I being duped? She is a bad liar, as such I feel can trust what she says

Answer 1

If she really loves you and wants to stay with you, why in the world would she want to continue a relationship with a past lover who it sounds like she has committed adultery with during your marriage?

Hard to tell from a paragraph, but it sounds like you are being played.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

This is tantamount to the fox watching the hen house. How long do you think it will be before that "friendship" goes to the next level if it hasn't already? Play it safe. If the family viewed him as "one of them" then let them handle the invites etc...
Are you trying to give your wife away? In this day an age you must zealously protect the most important relationship of your life---your MARRIAGE. Forsaking all others. YOU are her best friend and her confidant and for God's sake if there was a dinner then you should have been there for it. Don't be afraid to make a stand. Affairs stem from those little "friendships" that didn't have an agenda. Your gut tells you she is lying or you wouldn't be asking this question. Go with your instincts. Tell her that she should cease all contact with him. If she becomes defensive then you have cause to mistrust her. Her loyalty should be to you first and foremost. If she has difficulty giving it up that should be a red flag to you. Nip this in the bud or you will be standing under the mistletoe all alone in the season to come. Good Luck!

Answer 3

So what you are saying is that she did him in the hotel room.
If you want to stay with her, and it sounds like you do, do it.
I do think that you need to extract some price for this dalliance.
Its apparent that she had feelings for this guy and you helped set her up with him after an absence. The time has come for him to be gone again. There is no possible way that I could deal with his being around after that. Get a promise that she never pull this again. Get her promise that he is gone for good with no contact ( remove the temptation and distraction). Let her know that any contact or a repeat of this episode puts her on the street. Then make sure that she brings those friendly discussions to you not some guy outside of the house. Everyone gets a second chance BUT not three.

Answer 4

Look, it doesn't matter what seems right to other people...this is YOUR marriage, if you don't want your wife doing certain things (like talk to her ex) then you need to communicate with her and state your conerns. Stand up for yourself! You need to put a stop to this, that is like a slap in the face to you.
My older sister did the same thing - she was married, she ran into her old ex boyfriend from 20 years ago, starting talking, and before you know it, she left her husband of 7 years and she is now living with the ex boyfriend. They have now been together for about 3 years. But I remember in the beginning, her ex husband (husband at the time) didn't like her talking to her ex, but he trusted her and let her do it, and now look what happened. I think it just spells disaster.

Answer 5

Everyone makes mistakes....

but the question's that need to be asked are:

Is she worth it? because rebuilding this is going to be painful and difficult...so you better really love her and really forgive her.

and...

Are you ok with her still talking to him?
I mean, have you built you're trust up to that point yet, it seems like you are not ok with it, and you have every right NOT to be. If you aren't, tell her you don't like it and for the sake of your marriage she will have to sacrafice that relationship with that man. If not forever, atleast until you can fully trust her again.

If she refuses, you are being duped, and I'm sorry. Just let her go because you're a better person and you deserve to be treated right.

Answer 6

The comment "they would never work together" concerns me greatly. This shows that she has at least thought of the possibility of them getting back together, which implies she considered leaving you for him. Things here seem to add up just a bit to conveniently. I mean she just happens to contact an old lover, and then just happens to have to travel out of town for business, and then it just happens to be to his town, and then just happens to end at dinner with him, and then just happens to end up in the hotel room with him. Yeah right. Did she admit to cheating? Was there sex? If so, she is not acting very remorseful is she. She should have broken off ALL contact with him in respect for your marriage. She should be totally open about all her current activitites. She screwed up and I think you are getting played. Can you confirm that the business trip was legitimate?

Answer 7

Look the affair is still going on...if she really meant that she wanted to save the marriage after her confession she would never ever ever pick up the phone to call this guy. It is obvious to me, as a woman, that your wife is guided my passion, lust on this one, this will be temporary...but don't worry honey what goes around comes around, so leave her and find a woman who will be faithful to you with no "Questions" about it. They are not Friends...they are lovers...be a man and dump her...she is going to regret it trust me.

Answer 8

I know jealousy is a bad thing, but she is definitely abusing your trust. Tell her that you do not like her speaking to her ex, and that you have grounds for distrusting her. Tell her that you love her, that you hate being jealous, and that it will help if she stops contacting the guy. If she really cares about you and the marriage, she will break all contact with him.

Answer 9

of anything did happen then sometimes people need that one last time with an old flame just to confirm that it would never work otherwise later you might think what if. i would put it down to that!
i dont belive you can be friends with someone you used to have feelings for, its all or nothing so if she continued to meet him and talk for hours on the phone and lie about it to you then i would be concerned. If he is just a family friend then whats wrong with you being apart of this friendship too and all of you going out together?

Answer 10

Ok so who remains friends with an ex? Sometimes I guess but not to the extent that your wife does. I would be concerned.....maybe the solution would be to get some counseling for yourself. This might help you to figure out how to move on with the relationship and possibly turn it into couples counseling. This will only remain a thorn in your side if you don't try to deal with your feelings to begin with and then maybe try to talk to her about the situation.