How can a married child of divorce avoid holiday conflict?

Question

Ok, here's my story. My parents split when I was 16 due to my father having an affair. That was 11 years ago and we're all past that now (mostly). He entered into a long term relationship with "the other woman" immediately after the affair. She and I don't always get along, but we have our good moments and try our best to treat each other with respect. Anyway, now that I'm happily married with a 2 year old daughter, Thanksgiving and Christmas have been pure hell for me. With 3 sets of people (My father, my mother, and my in-laws) wanting my wife, daughter, and me to spend time with them over the holidays, we try very hard to compromise and be fair to everybody. My in-laws(God bless them) are very kind and understanding. My mother is understanding. My dad and his wife...not so much. No matter what I suggest, it's never enough and I get accused of favoring the other sets of family and it inevitably devolves into a huge fight. What can I do to make the holidays fun again?

Oh, since some have asked, I'm fortunate enough to live in the same town as all the parties involved. No holiday travel needed (thank God!).

Answer 1

Stay home and tell anyone that wants to visit that they are welcome at your place.

It puts you on your own "turf" so to speak and you will feel more comfortable at home.

You extend the invitation and as reasonable adults they have the ability to accept or decline with no strings attached and no guilt or shame. If they decline, don't ask for an explanation because it's not necessary.
You are doing your part by letting them know you would like them to be a part of YOUR holiday celebrations and the new traditions you are making with your family.

Some people just want things if it's on their terms. Set your own terms and it will take a load of stress off of you.

Answer 2

I'm 24 and have been married 5 years (in a few days). Marrying my wife was the best thing I have ever done in my entire life. To answer your question "why not just live together and avoid the occasional pressure generated by marriage on one or both parties involved?" Here's why: Getting married tells the other person you're in it for the long haul and you think they are worth committing to. It lets them know you won't just be hitting the road when things get tough. It says that you are willing to strap down and make it work and not just take the easy way out. It tells them unquestionably that out of all of the billions of people on earth, they are special enough to spend the rest of your life with.

Answer 3

hi,
Holidays to me are when you get together with people you care about. It doesn't really matter on what day it is, so what if Christmas was celebrated on Three different days. The 24th, to the 26th. This would let you enjoy your family and not let your children not see the tension. That or split the day into three and visit each at different times, like go to Christmas breakfast with one and lunch with the other and dinner. I dint know if any of this would help but i hope it does. have a good holiday either way.

Answer 4

Its sad that (and im sorry) your fathers stupidity is ruining everything. He needs to grow up and relaize his child is now grown with a family of his own and has many places to go to....that should be common sense.
Im not sure how you're supposed to get through to hard headed people, but try and explain to him where exactly you have to go. Write down a time sheet.
From noon-2pm, at moms house. 3-5 at in laws. 6-8 dads house. Then he cant say anything because each person/family has the same amount of time.

Answer 5

How close do you live to each set of parents? What we do is to make a small visit to deliver artwork ad gifts from my family with about an hour visit for the minor holidays such as Valentine's, St. Patty's yadda yadda.
Mother's and Father's day is reserved for ouselves/ our home though our home is open to anyone who wants to visit. Flowers, cards, gifts and phone calls all around.
Easter is easy. It is at church, all parents interested in the egg hunt and brunch are invited. For the two that can not get along, we are more than happy to visit at dinner time. My son is more than happy to re-find all the eggs at home or at gma and gpas.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are a bit trickier. We divide things up... one xmas eve, one xmas day, and the other the day after. We rotate through who gets what day and are very matter of fact about it.
It sounds like your dad needs to grow up and clue in that you are doing the best that you can do. At some point, though you might want to adopt the "open door" policy where you all stay home and the different parents rotate through your home.
I know it is difficult to have the added stress of family members who do not behave well. At some point this is going to come to a head and you all are going to have to set some limits as to what is acceptable behavior from your dad and his wife. I had to do a lot of , "I am sorry you feel that way, but I have to do what is best for my family first, and this is what works for us"
Good luck! -dd

Answer 6

Start a new family tradition namely yours.The holidays can be spent at home with YOUR family ( your spouse and children) not with the extended family everybody else gets to have a sunday or something.

Answer 7

Its your life and what happened with your parents was not your fault. I would suggest you stay home and invite them to come see you. This way you wont be toting the kids gifts home they will already be there. If someone scoffs at this idea dont back down they can come see the grandchild on your terms or not. Good luck and Merry Christmas

Answer 8

Alternate holidays and years. If they are close enough you can easily catch 2 on the same day. You may also consider the option of inviting them all to you house and let them make the decision as to how to handle it.

Answer 9

Thanksgiving with mom
Christmas with in-laws
Easter with dad and his wife (Your kid can go easter egg hunting in the open with her grandfather).
Talk to your mom and dad about it, if you still can. If Easter is a bad suggestion, then do one year of Thanksgiving with mom and the next year with dad and tell them about what you've decided. You do have to make the holidays fun again for yourself and your family! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! :-)

Answer 10

take turns each holiday going to a different parents house.if noone likes what you and your family want to do then don't go at all cause your daughter shouldn't have to be around all that at such a young age.