Unrequited love...divorce soon?

Question

We have been married for 4 yrs. and have two boys. We have always gotten along as friends. She says that there is something that is "just not there". I love her so much and have struggled with some personal issues in the past. She tells me that "she does not see me like that". I assume she means as a lover. She doesn't work at all. I work two jobs and am a good provider for our family, but that means that other areas are neglected (including her). Now that I kinda woke up and realized how I have done many things wrong, I fear it's too late. I can see how she would be hurt by my actions in the past, but I don't want to just give up now. I don't want to divorce her. I want to be the man to make her happy. I am trying to be optimistic about our future, but she is extremely pessimistic about it. She thinks that we should just click automatically. She says that I'm a good husband (now) but she doesn't think she wants to be with me forever. I am desperate for some direction!

If she doesn't show any interest in me or any counseling...Should I try an "open marraige" where we still live together as roommates (for the kids) and hope things work themselves out down the road? Or, should I just go ahead and show her the door?

Answer 1

You don't need to show her the door, unless she is already seeing someone else.

People can say and do strange things, that they may regret later.

Try to be the best person you can be, and stick it out for now. If she chooses to leave, you will have give it your best shot, and perhaps improved your own life and character along the way.

P.S. Be nice, but not clingy. When the subject comes up, just tell her calmly that you expect things to work out between the two of you...and you are willing to give it some time.

Answer 2

to be honest when someone wants to find something wrong they will, and if they get to the stage where they are looking for faults, it usually is a sign. To be fair it sounds like she is being honest with you and maybe you should too, have you told her your regrets etc, that you realized you have made mistakes?if you have and she still is not happy or willing to forgive then you can not force issues. Often people fall in and out of love for all sorts of reason which quite often we can not explain or justify. the chances are for her to have spoken to you she would have already thought it through a lot. Personally from an emotional point of view I do not think an open marriage would work, what happens when she or you bring someone home and you can hear each other in the other room? torture, especially if there are still Strong feelings particularly on your side. Children pick on these tensions it is better to have 2 happy parents living apart than two miserable ones living together. she sounds like she recognises you as a fanatitics father and provider, but that don't automatically me we can love you as a fantastic husband, if that speaical feeling is not there, then it is not there, maybe it will grow maybe it wont, do not force things though. the last thing you want is to find out in 20 years that she only stayed beasue she felt gulity or even worse sorry for you. When peole cross over from friends to lovers they think they are taking a safe gamble, no surpirses but often it just dosen't feel right. Give her time and space, be honest with her, but most of all listen to her. remember some things jsut aren't meant to be. good luck.

Answer 3

If she's not willing to try to make the marriage work,,then it's a no win situation..You can't make her love you..no matter how good of a husband you have been .Somewhere along the way she has lost the love she once had for you,,,Sometimes it's impossible to find it again...I know because I went through the same thing with my first marriage. I finally decide it was time to move on..After my divorce I didn't rush into another relationship. After I got over the divorce (which was very painful) I met a wonderful man. After 9 months of dating we were married and I couldn't be happier. So there is life after divorce. If you have tried everything in you power to make the marriage work and things have not gotten better..then maybe it's time to let her go .

Answer 4

It all sounds kind of strange to me. She is saying all this, but is she actually talking about divorcing you? It almost sounds like she wants to remain there with you, and you continue to pay all the bills, so she can stay home all day. I would talk to her and ask her if she is wanting a divorce or what exactly she sees in your guys future. It also makes me wonder if she ever felt anything for the marriage, because she said you guys should just click automatically........ you guys should of "clicked" before you got married. Sit down with her and have a really deep conversation and ask her where you guys are headed... Good Luck dear!! I hope I helped!

Answer 5

Counseling of course, would be your first option. My personal opinion, staying together for the children is just unhealthy for them. They will feel your emotional distance they might over hear conversations that are not meant for them. If you absolutely cannot work out your marriage, you might have to do the ugly divorce. You have to make time for one another. You have to have "date night" (I know it sounds cliche) but it is a necessity for a good marriage. You need alone time for everything from, talking to sex, to making plans in your home. Maybe if she got a part time job it would free you up for more time together as a family. There are many options you both have to be open to them. I hope it works out - would hate to see another divorce.

Answer 6

You need to get into counselling. Convince her to give your marriage another shot. Ask her if there's someone else.

I come from a country where arranged marriages are still a part of lots of lives, and in their case, they must marry first, become friends, and they eventually fall in love. It takes time.

Find a good marriage counsellor in your state and go see him with your wife.

I shall pray for You and your family. I hope everything works out.

God Bless.

Answer 7

you know what you want and are trying to give her what she wants, if she isn't happy it's because she doesn't know what makes her happy either. you can't make someone love you and you can't make her want to stay in the marriage, she has to do that on her own. tell her you love her, but the rest is up to her, sounds like she'll never be happy, no matter who she's with. remind her that the grass is not always greener on the other side, but i'm sure she'll see that eventually, even though it's usually too late, people are people, and you can't control everyone.

Answer 8

I've been trying to figure women out for ages and ages. The only thing I can see is you just can't please them no matter what.

Several girls I know are only confortable with guys who are mean and selfish and yell at them.

I've never figured that one out.

I have no answers for you just as many questions as you do. Try a new approach. Spend more time at home. See if that works. Do all you can, you can do no more.

Answer 9

Marry me! All jokes aside.Tell her one more try,seek outside help for you both.Is there someone else in her life?The reason I don't feel I will be in my marriage down the road is.....His temper and we don't see eye to eye on issues concerning His son, My son.Do you show affection to your kids?Do you play with them.It makes me sad,that he shows no affection toward my little guy(only to whoop him).This is pushing me away.I go to bed mad all the time and he will be in that mood and its hard for me to show love sometimes because of his Non-affection toward the little boy.I have tried 6 years hoping this will change.The only reason I'm telling you this is hoping to hit the nail on the head.Mother's are happy when their children are happy.Open marriages lead to divorce.I moved my stuff out,and now I'm back and fourth.This is not working.He want me to move my stuff back in but in the past 2 weeks,I have seen no change in his relationship with the little boy.So hows your relationship with your boys?Good luck to you.Again I only told you my situation hoping to hit the nail on the head.

Answer 10

If it is in you to divorce, that is your choice. I would not as yet because of your young children. Don't be shocked if she eventually files for divorce (no matter what she might say today).