My boyfriend is very emotionally abusive towards me. He's prone to bouts of anger and he calls me names, says i'm worthless and that everythings my fault, that it's my fault he's so messed up. He lies to me a lot and I even witnessed him cheating once, but I didn't say anything. Finally, it got too far and I broke up with him. Well a few days later he apologized and said he would take anger management classes and try to make everything work between us again. So I stupidly forgave him. At first he seemed to have really changed but now he's back to being abusive towards me again. and though he's not as cruel as he used to be towards me, he still hurts me a lot. I really care for him and everytime I go to break up wtih him again I can't, he'll always just say something that makes me sorry for him and I'm always afraid that maybe he really does care for me and that I'll hurt him if we break up again. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him.
2006-11-27 20:55:07 · 27 answers · asked by mimi 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Everyone is going to tell you to break up with him. You don't want to do that even tho you know thats what you should do. But why can't you. Analyze yourself. You are not emotionally complete. Its OK, you can fix a lot of that. You may have a damaged childhood, you are clearly a very insecure codependant person. Its hard to see things clearly especially when you're in it. I've been in bad relationships before. My last gf used me for money and took a lot. I sorta knew it but couldn't break up. You have to listen to what you know is right and make the plunge. you will find someone else I promise. Good Luck. And Dump him!
2006-11-27 21:02:35 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I hate to say this, but now you're to the point where you can only help yourself. If you know all the bad things he does, what advice do you expect from anyone besides to leave him? I know it hurts but emotional abuse has long term effects. The longer this goes on the more damage you're causing yourself mentally. Leave and get out, he needs help and you're not the answer. I apologize for the brutal honesty but take my advice, if you wait until it's too late you're going to lose any drop of self confidence you ever had and it will probably ruin any future relations you might have with any other man.
2006-11-27 21:03:10 · answer #2 · answered by jferleigh05 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My advice? Dump him. The relationship is not going anywhere and he obviously doesnt love you if he puts you down all the time. He may be bipolar, he definately has issues. He isnt going to jump off a bridge, trust me. Leave him and I guarantee he'll have another girlfriend in a week. Dont let him make you feel guilty, if you truely dont care about him its his own fault for being such a jerk. Im sure you care about him on some level, but you have to realize that if you stay in this relationship things ARENT going to get better. I know it sounds cliche, but you deserve better than him. Youre not going to change him so stop believing that you will. End it.
2016-05-22 21:46:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't want to hurt him?!!! Hun, he is hurting you, and you deserve to be treated like the goddess you are. I've been where you are- if you are so worried about his feelings, you must think this is working for you. But maybe you just think you deserve this treatment, especially after all of the blame he places on you. But you don't, and you're not stupid. You are broken and lost. Pick up the pieces and run- as far away as you can get. Stay single for a while until you "find yourself," meaning that you truly believe that you don't deserve that crap AND that you will not stand for it. You must teach people how you want to be treated. If someone disrespects/hurts you, you must make it clear that you won't take it. If they do it again, they obviously don't care and you shouldn't either. It's hard, but necessary if you want to be happy.
You are letting your boyfriend know that he can get away with treating you like dirt. You didn't even say anything when you caught him cheating?! Not only is that a horrible, hurtful thing to do, but that is dangerous to you. There are so many nasty diseases out there! You cannot allow any man to put you in danger like that. The only way he will stop is if you leave him, FOR GOOD.
Having been there, I know that you might be offended by my answer and feeling defensive. I always felt that I had to make excuses for my boyfriend. You gotta wake up like I did and see that there is no excuse for that. In the end, I guess I got fed up. I wouldn't take it any longer, but he wouldn't change. And he didn't like the fact that I would no longer let him walk all over me. He became physically abusive. It took a long time to get him out of my life- he had it so easy in the beginning, being able to do whatever he wanted, and he was determined not to lose me. If he would have learned to treat me right, he wouldn't have lost me, but his strategy was to threaten to kill me if I tried to leave, and try to kill me i I tried to call the police. I hope your guy doesn't ever get physical, but emotional abuse is just as bad. (I think it's worse because physical pain goes away i most cases, but emotional pain has so many dynamic effects. It's just that physical abuse can lead directly to death).
As for the "co-dependency" answer up there, I think that your boyfriend is codependent. One sign of an abuser (from a list of warning signs of abusers: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm)
"Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation."
Also check out the "Isolation" and "Blame-shifting" sections, if not the whole article
2006-11-27 21:30:06 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's angry/abusive/calls you worthless and blames you for everything. He's a liar/cheater/used anger management class as a ploy to get you back but it's okay cause the abuse is not as bad and you ended with saying you don't want to hurt him. No we don't want to hurt him stay there and take it because he deserves to have somebody to abuse. Why not you. You are not special, you are not worth anything, you don't deserve to be treated good. Care for him more than you care for yourself.
Unless there is self - love there is no love this is lesson #1
Sometimes it's hard but you have to drop him because you have to say, "I deserve better, don't want to be hurt," (He hurts me) You tell him I won't let you hurt me anymore and Don't. He's too twisted for any help/love from you and he is a master manipulator.
2006-11-27 21:07:08 · answer #5 · answered by Enchanted Crystal 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
HE IS HURTING YOU, SO WHY ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT HURTING HIM. YOU ARE STILL WITH HIM BECAUSE, WHY? He isnt hurt because you break up. He is hurt because he loses control and then puts a guilt trip on you so you wont try to do better for yourself.He doesnt really care for you. He isnt even honest with you, you cant trust him. Things intensify once you get married. Save yourself now! Have more love for yourself and dont allow yourself to be treated any less than a woman! Not a dog.
2006-11-27 21:02:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel. I've posted questions and while they are not exactly like yours, it is still along the lines of emotional abuse. Everyone thinks I should leave my guy, and they are right. The thought has crossed my mind that he will eventually become physically abusive towards me. Emotional abuse very often leads to physical abuse. I know you feel sorry for him,as I feel sorry for my guy sometimes. Lets try to be strong together and get out of these messes we are in. It will never end and it will get worse. Please get out of that relationship. I promise I am on my way out of mine.
2006-11-27 21:58:12 · answer #7 · answered by meeahcat 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the best advice i can give you is...look up the words ...co-dependency on the internet...and see if that fits you...if it does....and i am very sure that is does...you will see that you need to get away from him at the first opportunity...and stay away from him...go to a shelter...or anywhere to get away from him..if he hurt you once...he will hurt you again...i was in an abusive relationship for 18 years...it got so bad that my husband pointed a loaded gun at me...that is where this is all heading..if you do not leave this boyfriend....run...run..run...to the nearest exit...and go and get help for yourself as well...co-dependency is not something to be proud of..it is something that you need to work on...for some reason you feel the need to "help" others...even if they dont ask you for the help...THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN REALLY HELP...IS YOURSELF
2006-11-27 21:05:23 · answer #8 · answered by bintheredunthat 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please don't take this in a mean way because I don't mean to be but GET A BACKBONE. This man is abusing you, you know what he is doing is abuse, yet you keep him. You are ALLOWING this guy to ruin you. Forget about hurting him. He is tormenting you. THINK ABOUT YOU now. I am not sure what your age is but think of it this way...what would you say to do if this was happening to your own daughter? Would you tell her to stay? Wouldn't you be telling her, or should I say be yelling to her to get rid of this butthead? This will only get worse unless YOU get YOU back, kick this guys butt out the door, regain your self esteme, leave him out of your life (You can't cave in when he is crying, wining, and boo hooing), and move on. This sounds like a toxic relationship my dear. What would you be saying to one of your friends if you were watching this with her and her boyfriend? Honey, you are just as important as...your friends, family, or your future children and you would be screaming at all of them to send someone like this packing. Now you need to do it for you. Abusers will be as sweet as can be when they see they are losing their POWER (if they start thinking you are going to leave). Think about it...Isn't what this guy is doing all about having the power? He puts you down, you feel a little lower, he yells at you, a little more...as he gains the power, you lose YOU. Please follow the advice you would give to anyone around you and get rid of him for good. My guess is that you would even tell a perfect stranger who was in this situation that they are better than this and to get out right? Why is a perfect stranger more worthy than you? THEY AREN'T. PLEASE get out. These situations always get worse and worse. There is one more problem here...you took him back after you already had him gone. That was probably the most powerful thing for him. He thinks he can do anything he wants, you will get mad, break up with him too but WHEN he cries and boo hoo's enough you will be right back with him. That is a huge part of domestic abuse. That is how the one spouse is pushed so far down they don't even remember having a "ME", it's all about and for HIM. There is a book I would love for you to read. It's by an authur named Dr. Grace Ketterman and it's called Verbal Abuse Healing The Hidden Wounds. You can get it so cheap on ebay, amazon, or on half.com ( with books I almost always find half.com much cheaper. Even cheaper than ebay).
I have listed a few really good links below. I hope you will read them, think about everything, and see you deserve more than this. This creap didn't just take the power, you also gave it to him. Now put your foot down and make a new and better life for yourself. Again, I hope I didn't offend you but...well...Let's just say that I couldn't get through to a friend of mine and I will forever feel like I could have done more to help get her out of there. Good luck to you and if I were there I think it would be me who needed a hug from you, not you needing one from me. I don't even know you and I am worried. By the way, I am reachable through yahoo ask and answer. I think you click next to my picture on this message and you have my information listed. If there is ever anything I can do....I am just an email away.
2006-11-27 21:30:14 · answer #9 · answered by kenntonip 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well obviously he has no problems hurting you so you rely should have no problems hurting him back tell him its over and that you just cant take the abuse anymore he will understand if not then don't feel sorry for the boy either there is no reason you should feel sorry for someone that doesn't feel sorry for you
Yes i am a man and i can tell you that emotional abuse can be allot worse than physical abuse if he has a problem with you leaving call me and ill put my army boot in his rear
2006-11-27 21:03:18 · answer #10 · answered by DR.PHIL-A-LIKE 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋