How do I defuse a stepson who is ruining our first year together?

Question

I have a 17 yr old stepson from my husbands first marriage, their wife and mother passed away 2.5 yrs ago from cancer. He is a happy teenager most of the time, but come an event when our family should be building memories, he turns it into a wake, he and my husband leave the room,to console one another. My daughters 7th birthday, thanksgiving, we eloped and had a family dinner afterward, all ended with everyone feeling sad, even a family dinner out , he starts reminising about mother.
Am I being selfish, or does anyone have any creative ideas how they can morn and heal, and how I can preserve/create happy memories for my 3 kids?

Answer 1

From my experience with loss of people who are very close, I have learned that it really takes a full five years before people are really as over it as they're ever going to get. Even with the fifth anniversary of the September 11 thing on Diane Sawyer's program, it was noted that this, the fifth anniversary, brought about a change in how the people seemed as far as their outlooks/moods went. (I mention this as a back-up to my statement that I've found it takes five years.)

Maybe you're not being selfish. I think its more a matter of your not being understanding enough of what he is going through. The first year after a death doesn't even seem like a whole year, and most of it is spent in some degree of numbness. When the first anniversary comes around people are often shocked to realize they feel pretty much as bad as they did when it first happened. Its after the first year or so, though, that people start to allow the thoughts to come back once the numbness has worn off. There is a certain amount of "dealing with it" and thinking about it that has to get done, and that usually happens in the second and third years I think. This young kid was at a bad age to lose his mother, and then there's whatever horror may have been involved in the type of death she had. During grief there can be a terrible feeling of being "disorganized" or of needing answers when you don' t even know what the questions are.

Chance are your kids are not as affected by these incidents as you may imagine. Sure, its an awkward and "cloud-hanging" thing over something like a dinner; but if you explain to them that "Freddy" will be happier later but for now he's got his "sad thing" because his mother's only been gone for a couple of years they should understand. If "Freddy" were lactose intolerant your kids would understand he can't drink milk. This is a similar thing - he has his sadness that comes, and they need to understand its something he has for now, he'll get over it in time, but they have to try to just enjoy their dinner and know "Freddy" will get past this after a while. Kids can understand the horror of losing a parent. Everyone just needs to have some patience and understanding of "Freddy". In fact, your children may actually come to be particularly glad they still have their mother when they see your step-son (so it doesn't necessarily have to take away from their experiences).

There probably is no "creative idea" for how to help someone morn and heal. Time is what does it, and only time. I was an adult when my mother died ten years ago yesterday, and there are times when it just seems right to reminisce about her to other people.

I think other than talking calmly and cooly with your children and explaining that for now this is part of what "Freddy" needs to do and he cannot help it, and other than telling them that even if he gets sad or upset they need to know he'll be ok and can't worry about it when it happens, there isn't much you can do. I think since your children have the opportunity (for lack of a better word) to need to understand this young man's grief it may actually make them wiser individuals. It isn't the end of the world if they see someone who is perfectly happy all the time. Sadness is a part of life. They just need to also see that happiness can exist throughout a sad time and that sadness is something that can be dealt with or waited out. A step-brother who is sad is not the same as, say, having a mother who is sad. He doesn't mean all that much to them (even if they like him and care about him). I don't think they'll be as impacted by it as you may think, provided you just kind of explain nonchalantly that his sadness is nothing to panick or worry over and that its just something he has to go through.

Your choice to elope on your daughter's birthday makes me wonder if you folks are people who try to combine too many things at once. Maybe if - for now - you place more emphasis on special time with just you and your children or special time with just you and one of your children at a time; you'll assure that the children have nice family times without any clouds. (They could probably use that time anyway.) Maybe you could keep the big family dinners to a minimum. Its natural that such an environment would call attention to your stepson's earlier life.

The "elopement" dinner was Thanksgiving. Of course, he would think about his mother. He was probably sitting there, knowing he has a new family now, and needing to think about the life he had that was the life that made him know who he is. That feeling of "emotional disorganization" that comes with grief is horrible. People need to mentally "find" pieces of "the old them" to try to find something that makes them feel grounded. Also, there is the reality that someone's mother was in their life for their whole life; and then they need to get used to life without having that person.

While it is certainly right for people to want to move on after a death, the reality is if they have changed their home setting either by moving or changing the cast of characters it can make it harder for the grieving person to move on because of feeling so absolutely turned upside-down not only from the loss but from the change in the housing arrangement. When someone is dealing with grief the grief takes over, and the person does and says things that the grief makes them do and say. That person may wish he could be happier or not bring other people down, but it is impossible. Its pretty much a matter of "brain chemicals" running the show. Maybe as the second Thanksgiving and Christmas come around he'll at least be familiar enough with the new living situation that he won't feel quite as unsettled or removed from "who he was" by it.

You can't diffuse his grief or other emotions that have come from what he has had no choice but to deal with, but you can try not to blame him or allow yourself to say he's "ruining" your time together. If your relationship with your husband and your own children are strong there is no ruining of anything. Sure, maybe you wish the stepson could be happier; but if you let him know you all understand and don't take it personally and don't see it as anything more than something he's dealing with that will pass; that may help diffuse any resentment you feel towards him.

The death of his mother wasn't your loss, and husbands and wives don't have the same relationship that children and mothers have. Your stepson is very much alone right now, no matter how supportive everyone else may be and no matter how much his father has gone through grief as well. Since he's a happy young man most of the time and the problem only comes up at holiday or other special events you can probably assume he'll gradually improve. It apparently isn't that he's miserable all the time. Its just that holidays and family get-togethers for now bring it up for him. Chances are once the third anniversary goes by he'll enter a different phase of his grief.

I was 21 when my father died, and it was such a horrible, horrible, shock that it took me the whole five years before I could even bear to go to the cemetary because I couldn't bear to associate him with a grave. People who haven't been close to their parents or people who haven't lost them would have no idea of how horrible a thing it is or how long it takes to mostly get over.

My heart goes out to him, and I don't even know him. Its understandable that you and your children would like all sunshine and flowers at this new time in your life, but your husband's son is in about as cold and dark a place as you could imagine right now. He may act happy a good part of the time, and that's good; but the underneath stuff is going to show up at certain times.

The new family you've put together has a cloud of it right now. Sometimes it is the clouds over a family that help them learn how to hold on and keep looking for a brighter sky. Don't let him be the outsider who is "ruining" your time together. Try to make sure he knows that occasional bouts of sadness are ok and understood and that there is no way the reality of his situation will take anything away from anyone else.

Answer 2

First of all, understand that the reason this kid has been so ugly to you is that he's probably terrified of allowing you into his heart. Divorce is awful for everyone, but especially the kids. They don't understand why Mom and Dad aren't together anymore and he MIGHT be afraid of liking you 1) because he thinks you'll end up leaving too one day, 2) in his eyes, showing you any kind of respect or showing that he likes you might translate into being disloyal to his father. However, you and your wife need to be on the same page first because this is ultimately your home, your marriage and you are not this child's friend or peer. You are an adult and an authority figure in this house. I am a stepmom and this was an issue in the beginning for us as well. Dad and I had several long discussions about what my boundaries were re: discipline when he came to live with us. The kid is 4 and as hard/awkward as it was to put my foot down and show him he's NOT going to run my house, it worked and he backed down. Now, we have a beautiful relationship with love, utmost respect and find myself really missing him when he visits his mother. I think Mom needs to face reality and understand that her child is not accepting this relationship well. She needs to pull him aside to see what's going on. Maybe he can talk to her about his insecurities, fears, anger, etc. Also, the child needs to be made to understand that you are here to stay and his antics are not going to drive a wedge in your marriage and you will not tolerate disrespect. Period. Sending him to his father and letting him "deal with it" is NOT the answer. You're not teaching the kid anything except that he wins, and that behavior like that is going to get him what he wants. I recommend the book, Stepfamilies by James H. Bray and John Kelly. Its geared towards families that have stepdads and the difficulties facing the contemporary stepfamily today. I found this incredibly helpful even though in my case, I am the stepmom. Good luck!

Answer 3

Well, I kinda get it. Sadly, you married them a bit too soon. They hadn't finished what they were doing or needed to do to adjust to their new life without mom/wife. The boy feels guilty for participating in and enjoying a new life, especially trying to have fun without mom.

Again, I say it's sad because it takes people a lot of time to heal and somethings hurt when they're done again or differently than with dear old mom/wife. So, the missing person is missed all the more.

You've got yourself into quite a muddle. Men nortoriously rush into another relationship to avoid the pain of the first. The kids mourn very randomly, and for quite a bit longer than thought. You are going to have to have the patience of Job to get through this. You need to seek counseling, for the family, you parents, and especially for the children, together, separately, whatever it takes.

You are not being selfish, you're ready to move on and make a new family and protect your children from these random pity parties.

Get some help. Understand you've gotten these people in the middle of their mourning. Understand that you have to do everything you can do to have a stable home for your children, so that all the attention doesn't go to the boy. Honestly, they don't know who they are yet. I'm sure that they love you, and you must hold this in your heart...be patient.

Answer 4

Your husband and his son need counselling. They have a serious case of living in the past and not moving on. They are using her death as a way of keeping each other close. The son is using happy events that concerns your daughter to bond with his father and turning the events into unhappy ones as a revenge towards you and your daughter. They do not like to see you and your daughter being happy. Don't invite the son to any celebrations anymore.

Answer 5

As hard as it sounds maybe you could bring up his mother at events. Ask him to tell you about how his mother did things. Maybe even say a prayer for her at the event. Think how would you feel if your mother died. Talk to him about his mom, when you can. Tell him his mother will always be with him, and you are sure that she was a great person.
If you talk to him about him mom, then maybe he will feel better at the family dinners. Maybe even light a candle and but it on the table in memmory of his mom.

Answer 6

I can't imagine how it would feel to lose my mother at 15. . You have to understand that he is still hurting and he feels like his mother is being forgotten by his Father. Do you spend anytime with him alone? I know this can be a hard thing to do if the two of you don't have a good relationship. He may be feeling left out.My best advice to you is to make sure he feels like he is a part of your new family. Good luck.

Answer 7

How about you let them feel as sad as they want, but YOU and your kids choose NOT to feel sad. You can love and care for them without taking on their emotions OR forcing them to pretend to be "happy" so you can make memories.

Talk it over with your three, and let everyone know it's OK to have their feelings.

They went through a terrible ordeal and it will take time for them to heal. They will love and appreciate you so much more if you don't force them to hide their grief. Counseling is a good step but even THAT takes time.

Answer 8

Family group counselling is called for. He may well need individual therapy. Your husband must help him move on, as well. You must help your husband by initiating this with an honest, frank discussion.

Answer 9

i would definently consider seeing a family counselor. and for him he can also see a couselor for greiving to help him cope with such a tradegic loss. he might be happy at times and then something might remind him of his mom and he doesnt want anyone to take her place. you really wont know untill he talks with someone to get these emotions out and learn how to deal with this. good luck.

Answer 10

tell your husband to get the kid emotional help or he will never be whole again.