Should I leave him?

Question

I have two baby girls, and I am almost 19. I am married to a man I have been with for 4 years. We have been married almost 2 now. I just finished my 1st semester of nursing school, and it has been really hard. My husband doesnt help at all. Granted he works, but I go to school FULL TIME, and I am a full time mother. He comes home from work and then goes out, comes home and does whatever he wants. I end up being up til like 3:30am every night studying, and cleaning, and taking care of the babies...because he doesnt want to help out at all. He is also very verbally abusive, no he has never hit me, but he as soon as I ask him to do ONE thing he just flips out. He never use to be like this. I am just very frustrated, and whoever attends nursing school would know how very hard it is. Plus having 2 tiny babys on top of that. I have tried talking to him about this,but he doesnt listen. I have done EVERYTHING to try and work things out, & I feel like the only thing I havent done is leave him.

Answer 1

I can see that you jumped into a committed relationship very young and I'm pretty sure that he's still very young himself. It's obvious to me that neither of you had time to experiment and have fun. Committment is a lifetime thing. He doesn't seem to be ready for this huge responsibility of caring for a wife and children. You might have to face the fact that your relationship may have started out on love but it has turned into an obligation. Emotions can cloud up your judgement, but someone looking from the outside can see things a little clearer. And from what you are writing, I don't get the feeling that he's a complete loser but like a vast majority of teens and very young adults, he's just not ready to commit to a family.

I was once in a 4 year relationship with a guy who couldn't and wouldn't grow up.We fought (with our fists) all the time. He refused to do anything but hang out with the boys. No ambitions, no goals, no brains, no nothing. I am extremely happy I got out of it. My husband has shown me what REAL LOVE is and how a REAL relationship should be like. Complete trust, respect and compromise should be the backbone of EVERY relationship. Love is the foundation. You can have a GOOD relationship, just give yourself time to see all the wonderful things in the world without having to be blindsided by a husband who just doesn't care.

My advice to you is to let him go for now. You have a goal and should focus on that so you and your children can have a decent future. Unless he can get his act together, there is no reason why he should be around to stress you out.

P.S. Get child and spousal support.

Answer 2

He probably feels like he's just a hired hand, and because of his immaturity, he doesn't know how to express it properly.

Is he the daddy of any of these babies, I noticed that you didn't call him their father.

If so, gee, cut the guy a little slack (but don't put up with verbal abuse)

Let's see, he gets married and then his wife puts him way down on the list after school and her kids.

Then, the only time he hears from her is when she wants him to do something. Meanwhile, his expectations of what married life was going to be are crushed.

You say he doesn't listen, are you listening?

Why do people yell and get angry? Often that comes only after they have tried more pleasant techniques and they have been blown off and/or completely ignored.

I don't agree with his technique, but I want to ask you, how is YOUR communication? How well do you listen? Where do you place him in your life.

I would sit down, and apologize if you have been putting him last and then give him a technique to use so he can get your attention. Also tell him you will not tolerate yelling or other verbal abuse.

If he continues to yell, after you've done your part, pack your bags and go, citing that you clearly stated this, ask him to stop, ask him to leave and if that doesn't work, you have to walk yourself.

Answer 3

You need help. Hire a house cleaner to come in whenever and do some cleaning for you. Find a company that is just starting out so their fees may be less.

Get some family members to help? I swear I'm going to start a company just for mothers like you! I don't know why I haven't done it before. Maybe if you could take some time for yourself once a week, you might feel better about all the responsibility. Your man needs to be a man and help you, but, good luck with that one, if he is already the way he is, doesn't seem like he is going to help, short of you threatening divorce. Maybe a couple of neighbors and yourself could start a little group type thing of coming and helping clean and babysit and other stuff that you think your group needs.

I admire you for all the hard work you are doing...keep with the school. You may need to support yourself one of these days. Maybe some counseling could help with your relationship. You can get it for free if you go through the right sources. I would think you would be able to get a lot of the things you seem to need for free if you think with some imagination. Hmmmmmmmmmm! Sex ( with hubby of course) for babysitting...think outside the box. He may suddenly become more available for you. Do the fun stuff and make your life more interesting. I know you are too tired for this stuff. Just try it a few times and see if you yourself aren't having a little more fun with the chores. You could share some fun chores with maid outfits too and see if he won't play along. Just make sure he gets sex when you are DONE with the chores and not before. Hehehehe! You understand?

Answer 4

Oh I feel for you, and especially for the babies. It's really too bad you had children with this dope of a "man".
He is resenting the fact that he has more responsibility. He is resenting having to feel "pressured" to take care of a wife, home, children, and all that other "stuff".
He just hasn't grown up. He is acting very immaturely and like a kid who doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility.
You have two choices right now:
1. leave him and do everything completely on your own. Children in day care, they won't have a father, they pretty much won't have a mother, hardly any money, etc., etc. But be away from his bad behavior and verbal abuse.
2. stay with him and wait until he groes up and realizes his responsibility. This could take many, many years, or never happen, but it could also happen in a matter of months.
He needs to feel needed and wanted at home. That's different than feeling demanded or "expected" at home.
I suggest reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husband's". It's an excellent book and saved my marriage. My husband was acting exactly like this until I worked my "mo-jo" that I learned from this book and it's worked, with persistence on my part.

Whichever way you choose, I wish you the best of luck, and your babies, too.

Answer 5

First off, congratulations for going to school while taking care of the kids. I'm certain that it must be incredibly hard.
It seems that you are at a very young age to have all of this on your plate and I assume that your husband is young as well.
You should ABSOLUTELY NOT accept verbal abuse.
I would ask him to see a counselor with you as I'm sure you are both very stressed. Perhaps you can learn to divide responsibilities and communicate your needs better. He needs to know the severity of the problem and you both need to get things straight before things get to the point of no return.
Don't wait until your children feel the effects of a ruined relationship.
Ask him to go to counseling with you and if he refuses then you need to separate and evaluate your options.
Good luck and congratulations on your drive and ambition! Sounds like you have yourself together.

Answer 6

Stay in school. You've come this far and do not give up now. Soon you will receive your nursing license and be able to find a job. Then inform hubby things better change or else. There's a big demand for nurses, living without an abusive man should be no problem.

Answer 7

If you leave him, you have to think about how things may be harder for you at least financially. You do say that your husband works. You'll also be the only one around to take care of your small children. It can be done, but it might be harder. I think you should try counselling and setting some time aside for you and your husband to enjoy. If that means hiring a baby sitter or asking a family member to take the kids for a day or two, than do it. He could be a jerk or he could be feeling upset. It seems you have no time for him. Relationships need time! You can't just tell your husband to do the dishes and ignore him the rest of the time. Talk about these things. Don't just b*tch at him and leave. Also, if you have more sex, use birth control! Jeez. Some people need to think before they breed.

Answer 8

Have you stopped do ing the chores? Like don't do the dishes, don't make a meal for him, don't do any laundry but what you and the kids need, don't pick up the toys, etc.

When he asks why, then tell him because you work as many hours as he does - even if it is school and not paid- so he can do a bit around the house too.

If he flips out on it, then tell him if he doesn't stop yelling, he'll soon be getting to do it all.

Answer 9

It seems that you have starting working towards your own future. You are very strong for such a young age and obviously you don't need a man to take care of you or your children. What you have to concentrate on is finishing your degree and taking care of your children. If he doesn't care about what you are trying to accomplish then he isn't worth you. You are a beautiful, strong and hardworking woman who deserves a man to take on the responsibilities of a MAN. If you feel that you are alone in the relationship and decide to break it off then don't worry because someone such as yourself should be and WILL be respected and loved.

Answer 10

Girl, been there done that. Run, before it really gets to you. Don't invest your energy in a relationship when the other person is not doing the same. A relationship need two columns, if the other person is not commited to make it work just let it collapse, i know you must be worrying for your babies, and the fantasy of having/keeping the family. Just open your eyes, and see him for who he really his, love his suppose to make you happy, a husband is suppose to be supportive in all senses, and listen to you, if not it's not a relationship. Give me a last chance, warn him. Then do what is best for you and your girls.

Blessings for you and your babies
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