Can anyone offer advice on dealing with competitive, judgmental, homophobic, extremely religious relatives (brother-in-law & wife) who look down on everyone who does not think the way they do? They spend a great deal of their time criticizing others (on their marriages, how they raise their children) yet they themselves fight more than any couple I've ever met (often in public) and do not have well behaved, well adjusted children. Infact, their 5-year old is a terror and is a terrible influence on our younger children. My husband and I consider ourselves moderate, tolerant people and pride ourselves on having friends of many different cultural, political and religious backgrounds. However, we cannot seem to have civil discussions on religion, politics, social issues etc with these folks as they are prone to obnoxious, completely uninformed statements that end up offending the rest of the family. We are obligated to see them 3-4x/yr @ holidays. They do have a few good qualities.Help!
2006-11-27 15:50:06 · 7 answers · asked by KarinaG 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
You can choose your friends, but you cant choose your family. Why are you obligated to see them 3 or 4 times a year. A person will only behave a certain way if they are allowed to get away with it. If they are as obnoxious as you say, then why on earth would you spend any time with them at all. Maybe if you made it a point to not spend the time with them, they may get the hint and start being reasonable. Maybe if you told them straight that you dont want to be around them because they are small minded and everything else you have said, they may take it seriously, but only if you lose contact with them for a while. Maybe you can also say, that they are certainly welcome in your home if they can at least respect your point of view and stop being so offensive. No-one has to be around people like that, family or not. It is your choice whether you want to have people like that in your lives. Show me the rule book that says because a person is a relative they have to liked. They sound like really horrible people actually. You said they do have a few good qualities....gee, with what you have said, I find that very hard to believe. Everything you have said about them is absolutely dreadful and if I were you, I just wouldnt put myself through the stress of being around them. You are under no obligation to see them, and I cant think of anything that would make anyone feel obligated. If they are like that, then I am sure no-one is going to slam you for not wanting to be around them. Maybe everyone else they have offended will follow your lead. Its only when you say something will they understand their behaviour is offensive. If you continue to put up with it, then they will continue to do it.
2006-11-27 16:01:01 · answer #1 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not going to agree. Make religion and politics off limits on holidays and just talk about life. I felt like an alien this Thanksgiving because I'm bisexual and I'm seeing a guy and I'm not married like all my other cousins, but I got through it. Those situations are none of their business. I'm aware of how they feel about those issues, know that they won't agree because they are seeing the issue from a different angle and avoid those types of conversations accordingly. Doesn't make for very close relationships, but after all: family is something you're born with. You didn't choose them. You can, however, choose to ignore them for 360 days a year and ignore their beliefs on those days that you are forced to be in the same room with them.
2006-11-27 15:56:03 · answer #2 · answered by Straight but not narrow 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Agree to disagree and thank your lucky stars it's only 3 to 4 times a year. There is nothing in the etiquette book of relations that says you cannot politely say "Sorry, this is not achieving anything" and simply walking away from a conversation. May be hard the first time, believe me, gets a lot easier with practice!
2006-11-27 17:26:30 · answer #3 · answered by renclrk 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-07 21:43:37 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dont bring up matters such as religion, politics and social issues... Ask them things like - how are the kids doing in school, how's work, ect... small talk so that at least you still talk to them :)
Good luck!
2006-11-27 15:53:32 · answer #5 · answered by Rin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
totally avoid them
2006-11-27 15:52:33 · answer #6 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
dont try to compete with them cos thats wot they want u to do the mother......!!!
2006-11-27 15:55:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋