Should my mom be acting this way?

Question

I had'nt seen or talked to my dad in twenty years. Now I found him and he wrote me a letter telling me that when I was young he tried to see me but my mom would'nt allow it. Then he just sort of gave up but never stopped loving and thinking about us. He also told me I have a half sister that is 12. I told my mom and she flipped out. She said that he has'nt done anything for us all these years and that to talk to him now would be disrespecting her. I told her that I had a sister, and she said you have no sister i'm your mom and your dad and I don't see why he would even tell you that. What is her problem should'nt she be glad for me that I finally get to know my dad that I have'nt seen since I was five?

Answer 1

That's a normal reaction! She's acting this way as she feels insecured now that you know that your dad is still around and he can come forward to take you away from her. She's afraid of losing you!

Answer 2

You're 25 years old, Hon. You have the right to live your own life, without Mom's permission.

Despite what others have told you here, it is entirely possible for a woman to make visiting the kids to be such an extraordinary hassle and so much an emotional/psychological drain that a man can't deal with it and just gives up. Most of these women are well aware of what they are doing.

I suspect that he left her - and that she used visitation as a form of "punishment" for him, to try and make him feel as unwanted, unloved and abandoned as she felt. To be honest, using the kids like this is unconscionable behavior - from either parent.

Since this occurred 20 years ago, most likely any child-support would not have been collected THROUGH the courts like it is now. If he hasn't paid a court-ordered support, then that's an issue that you should think about before you meet up with him. It may be something you should talk to him about. On the other hand, if she refused support, or if she took the support money but still wanted to keep you and your siblings away from him, that is another issue entirely.

It sounds to me as if you need to get the entire, NON HYSTERICAL "flipped-out" story from both sides. Be advised - the TRUTH will lie somewhere in the middle.

However, I think the smartest thing you can do is go visit your Dad without telling her. You're 25 - you can travel without a note from mommy. Go see Dad. Talk to him. Meet your sister. Find out from him what HIS side of the story is.

Then go back to Mom. Don't tell her you met up with Dad - just quietly and calmly ask her to tell you exactly what happened. Tell her that you won't listen if she screams, carries on and yells obscenities - that you want a quiet, reasonable conversation.

You may find out that there's a lot more in your past than you know!

Answer 3

A lot can change in a person over time. As a father I know he loves you and it could never heart to have more family. But you have to make your own decisions, and realize that if your mom was right about him you could get heart. This could also damage your relationship with your mom. This may or may not help but weigh your pros and cons. And you might talk to you dad about the cons of building a relationship now after all these years.

Answer 4

I am a single mom. I have done and done and done. Guess what? Just a couple of years ago, my son's father showed up. I was angry. You know? What gave him the right to walk up after ten years? I wanted to run so far away from him and take my son with me; however, what I did was explain to my son SOME of my feelings and then I introduced him to his father. I still have issues with it when I think about it, but my son talks to his father about every week and sees him about once a month. I guess I learned that it is never too late. I have forgiven him for walking out the door on us years before although I have not forgotten the sacrifices I made that he never did. Nevertheless, it wasn't about me, it was about my son. Bottom line is... I had to get over myself and my son needed to know his father.

Answer 5

Well, maybe she was hurt, but she's got to suck it up and give you the chance you've been wanting. Try to get to know your dad more often. Your mom's only a little jealous because your dad's been taking care of another child better than you, but part of it is her fault. Listen, you know what you've missed, so go on and give the old guy a chance. After all, he's already your dad and she couldn't have you without him. God bless and good luck

Answer 6

I'd like you to think about something ~ if you had a child would you EVER give up on seeing him or her? I wouldn't.

I think your dad is a loser for abandoning you, and now he easily blames your mother for his mistakes. Lots of men get their act together (out of guilt/shame) later after their kid has grown up without them. When the hard part is over. And many don't want to pay child support so they just leave. Then they think its OK to reappear many years later with a lame story about how they tried and how it was not his fault. There is NO excuse for leaving your child, period.

Stick with you Mom, she stuck by you when he didn't. Trust her judgment about this. He is using "you have a sister" to hook you into his life. Its been really hard for your mom, and you need to tell this man that you believe your mom and not a stranger who has not been there for you. Maybe you and your mom need time to deal with this together. Come up with a solution that honors your parent, your mother.

Best of Luck!

Answer 7

she is only human, just like everyone else. She also has feelings that effect her actions and words. She is you mother so respect her. That said: No it is not right for her to hide the truth from you. in a kind loving way try to address the situation with her, and let her know that it is natural for you to want to see your father, and that you mean no disrespect to her. also let her know that your not going to love her any less just because you may love your father too.

Answer 8

YOUR MOTHER IS HARBORING BAD FEELINGS TOWARD YOUR FATHER. SHE MIGHT HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL AS SHE DOES. HAS SHE BEEN A GOOD MOM TO YOU ALL THESE YEARS? IF YOUR DAD REALLY WANTED TO SEE YOU HE COULD HAVE GONE TO COURT AND GOTTEN A COURT ORDER TO DO SO. DID HE SEND YOU CHILD SUPPORT? A BIRTHDAY CARD? A CHRISTMAS GIFT?
I THINK YOU NEED TO HAVE A LONG, QUIET TALK WITH YOUR MOTHER, WITHOUT ANY YELLING OR JUDGING. LET HER KNOW HOW YOU ARE FEELING, AND ASK HER HOW SHE IS FEELING. TAKE IT FROM THERE, AND REMEMBER THAT YOUR MOTHER LOVES YOU. TREAT HER WITH THE LOVE THAT SHE IS NEEDING RIGHT NOW, SHE MAY BE AFRAID THAT SHE WILL LOSE YOU TO YOUR DAD. GOOD LUCK, AND GOD BLESS YOU. LOVE, NIKI

Answer 9

Sounds like your mom has issues. Go see your dad and your half sister. You need to build a relationship with your father again and build one with your new half sister. Good luck meeting your dad and new half sister and I suggest you try to talk to your mom about why she didn't let your father see you and try to talk her into getting into counsling.

Answer 10

It's a normal reaction, stems from her being afraid she will lose you to him. Put the past behind THEM, don't let either parent bash the other, and explain to your mom that she will always be MOM, but you just want to get to know dad.