What is the difference between living together and being married?

Question

Personally, I don't think there is much difference then again, I'm not legally married. I'm asking for an explaination outside of hte legal benefits of marriage, so more of a personal response would be great. I've been with and living with my lover for about 2 years and we consider ourselves married.

I just don't get when people say "oh when you guys get married everything will change!" We're getting married in another 2 years (travelling the world right now) and honestly, niether of us can think of anything that will change simply because we wasted money and a day on a stupid wedding! (the wedding is for our families happiness/enjoyment NOT mine!) So, if you've got a guess about what would change, that would be interesting!

We are married in our hearts. If we wanted to just end it today, we couldn't. We are commited to eachother and to both of us it's very serious. When we disagree, yell and agrue with eachother, we work it out. I'd never go stay with some other guy. That's ridiculous!

So, it seems there really isn't much of a difference except the legal benefits. I guess, thinking you are married is the same as being married. Unless...?

Answer 1

i lived with my husband for 6 years before we got married. after we were married, the only change was that we just felt more confident, more grounded somehow. it felt really amazing to stand up in front of the world and declare ourselves partners forever.
other than that, life as usual! except now everyone bugs us to have kids instead of to get married!!

Answer 2

Actually I've thought about that a lot! This is an important question to answer especially for people who are contemplating marriage. But is a hard thing because it is so big.
I lived with my husband more than 3 years before we married and when we married thought foolishly that it wouldn't be much different but I was wrong. It seems that marriage does make a difference - on both sides. All the hidden 'stuff' that you thought you had seen now comes out for real. Not just continuations of stuff you already had been exposed to while living together, but completely other stuff. It seems that marriage takes down that last barrier of 'me/you -ness'. I think that's the way it was planned and it's when we work against the plan is when we get into trouble.
But if you think about it that is how it should be - how can such a hugh step into what should be 'oneness' be otherwise? I think it's a psycological barrier that comes down with that married 'mind' state that you don't get into until you are actually married. I think this is how it will be for you because of the way you describe your relationship - I think you describe a connected relationship. The way that it should be but there is so much more - and it's not all bad as you seem to think from the phrasing of your question.
You are right - the actually wedding is an activity for family and friends to help you celebrate your union but it is completely up to the 2 of you how you choose to do this or if you do it and I think you know this. It's the decision to commit that makes the difference - the 'I do' thing when you really mean it.
Now if I write anymore, I'll be getting entirely too deep for an 'answer' log.
Good question - thanks for the opportunity to express!

Answer 3

I think it's interesting that you ask what the difference is, then deny the answers that say there is a difference. Particularly when you're getting those answers from people who ARE married so have that experience to speak of.

If you've been together for two years, you probably haven't been through any of the down periods that all long term relationships have. Those ones where you just don't feel in love and every thing the other person does gets on your nerves. Being married just gives you that extra commitment to pull through those. I know that when you're madly in love in the early stages that doesn't seem possible, but it does.

I do think that unless you're 100% sure that you want to commit yourself forever without an escape clause, you shouldn't get married. If you're happy with your relationship now, that's fine and you should keep it that way.

You say that if you both wanted to end it today, you couldn't. Why not? That's one of the benefits of not getting married. You're in a position where you just can't imagine feeling that way, but it does happen to people.

If the two of you are happy, that's great. But please don't argue that there's no difference if you've never been there.

Answer 4

I think that marriage comes with a certain level of change... it's hard to explain but I'll do my best. My husband and I dated for about 2yrs before we got married, in that time...we rarely argued and it just seemed like it would be very easy to transition into marriage. But, once your name goes on that paper... it carries alot of weight with it. Suddenly you can't just pick up and leave if you don't think it will work out, aside from the obvious benefits and obligations... their are some emotional obligations as well. This is the person you're proclaiming that you want to spend your life with. Depending on how seriously you take your vows, this is " TILL DEATH DO YOU PART"...all of a sudden things are magnafied. That casual female friend of his will possibly start annoying you a bit more in how often she demands his attention, the way you leave your socks laying around on the floor will suddenly become slightly more annoying. It's a bigger deal to forget a birthday, slip and say the wrong thing, or mistakely admit that...it's not the jeans that make your butt look fat...it's the 2 extra slices of cheesecake you had ... it's just all about perspective and the things that come with a marriage mindset. Eventhough you're in a commited relationship now... if you decided today you wanted out, you could pack your things, settle the rent/mortgage and be done... marriage just isn't that easy. It's a bit more final and alot more work then just living together.

Answer 5

There is not much differences except for a paper marriage which would require for issuing birth certificate for your newborn baby.
Everything shall remain unchanged (on my personal opinion), however, it depends on the individual on how to cope and give & take with each other.

Presently, you do not have children and both you and him are living in your own world. Its wonderful and romantic moments, however, once your age is catching up, you would need further commitments and your partner might feel bore since there is not much topic to be discussed unless you had children.

Yes, I totally agree that once a couple been married, everything will change coz it involved for a vows commitments as well entire promises in taking care each other irregard poor, wealth, healthy or sickness.

Answer 6

To me being married means that its much harder to walk away from the other person. When you are just living together you can split up and there's no need to ever deal with that person again but being married you would have to go thru the whole divorce thing. Plus to some of us those marriage vows actually mean something. When I have those days where I think it's not worth it I think about the vows I made to my husband, or the look in his eyes when he repeated his vows back to me. If I am having a fairly bad day with this or that I grab the wedding album and look at the pictures and remember how I felt on that day. PLUS I LOVE BEING ABLE TO CALL THE MAN I AM IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND.

Answer 7

well being married is a life long commitment between to people its an insurance and a bond that you will love that person and only that person for ever until death do you part its work because when you get mad you cant go out and find another man you have to stay there and work it out . and its so funny because when your not married being together seems so easy but when you do get married thats when things seem to change so there is a difference to me because your not shacking up your making a comitment

Answer 8

For what it's worth, my fiance' and I lived together for four years before we got married last September (we wanted to save up and have the wedding that we wanted). You wouldn't think after that long that being legally married would feel any different, but it does. I can't exactly put it into words - it's more a sense than anything else.

It's not anything huge and earth-shattering, but it does feel different.

Answer 9

Getting married is creating a family unit. Two people committing to each other legally and emotionally is different that just living together.

Answer 10

I have lived with my "husband" for two years. Although, he is not legally my husband, we have said the words to each other, promising to spend the rest of our lives together. So, in our hearts we are married. Considering we have said the words out loud to one another I would suspect that we are married to God as well. I do not feel that being legally married is necessary, but to some I guess it is. If the two of you agree that you are married in your hearts then there is no difference between living together and being married, unless you just want to change your name.