I just recently left the man I was living with because of his drinking.
We were together for 6 years. When we got together I was an alcoholic too. I have been sober now for three years. I am the Mother of three kids(two grown and away from home,and my youngest turned 14 on Thanksging. I love this man with all of my heart, but I just could not stay any longer and subject myself or my daughter to his crazy behavior when he was drunk. When he is sober he is totally oppsite,hes witty, and kind and lovable. I pleaded with him to please get help with his drinking, because I love him,and I want him to get help.,and I didn't want to leave, but he ave me no choice. He says that he loves us, and that we are his family and he misses us, but he still drinks every day. I don't want to go back because I know that he has not changed, but my heart hurts so bad. I want him to get help so that we can be a family again. I love him so much. OUCH! I don't know what to do. Do you understand?
2006-11-27 13:15:02 · 24 answers · asked by puzzledamipuzzled 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First, pat yourself on the back for knowing you can't go back for the sake of your children. Second, you believed you were in love and when you loved him and your kids enough to get sober, you gave them you. Third, you asked him to do the same and he chose his addiction over you.
You love him with all your heart; perhaps some day he'll see what he lost and return to you asking to go to AA and get help. You want to believe your love will make him well, as your kids' love for you and your love for them made you well.
Quoting you: "I don't want to go back because I know that he has not changed, but my heart hurts so bad. I want him to get help so that we can be a family again." You answered yourself on what to do; that he chooses not to willingly is the reason it hurts, and that's perfectly normal.
I am so sorry you and your children are dealing with this; I hope soon he realizes that your love is worth more than the bottle.
2006-11-27 13:24:56 · answer #1 · answered by Jess B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have done exactly what you needed to do for your family. Alcoholism is a problem for the whole family not just the drinker. Stay away. Sometimes love just isn't enough. Until he realizes what harm he is doing he will continue down the same path. Continue with your life and start looking somewhere else. If he understands to late what his problem is doing to you(after you find someone new) then it was meant to be that way. Good Luck and be strong.
2006-11-27 13:20:23 · answer #2 · answered by smile4u 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your decision is something called "tough love".
We all need it in some area of our lives at some time. Seems the time is now for him.
If you go back before he makes a measurable, commited change, you simply enable further alcoholic behavior and put yourself and your daughter in potential danger.
You can't make him change. The desire for change has to begin within him. The catalyst for that desire usually comes as a consequence for poor choice. Your leaving in order to keep yourself and your daughter may be that catalyst - it may not. The choice now is HIS. You MUST let him get to the end of himself. Only then can real, lasting change begin.
"Tough love" is tough on most, if not all, concerned.
Hang tough, girl! It'll be redemptive.
2006-11-27 13:35:43 · answer #3 · answered by WindWalker10 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do understand this one. I was with my sons father for 5 years, and he too was an alcoholic. A violent one as well. I dealt with it as long as I could, but I had to get out to save my son. You have done the right thing. There is nothing you can do.. He has to want to help himself, until then there probably isnt much you can do. That is the sad part. Me and my sons dad have been apart now for 11 yrs, and he is still drinking and now beating the **** out of his current wife. I wish you the best of luck, but just so you know..YOU are doing the RIGHT thing.
2006-11-27 13:22:53 · answer #4 · answered by Indymom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey pat yourself on the back not only for getting clean and sober and staying that way (clapping hands) but also for doing the right thing for you and your child by leaving..he has to want to get clean and do it for himself...you know that better than anyone having gone through it yourself...even tho you love him, love yourself and your child more! Do not fool yourself with the good times because those pass...only if he gets clean and stays that way for a couple of years can you even think of a future...til then you have to stay away from him and not go back for your sake and the sake of your child.
I should add one more thing...a child that grows up in a home with parents who abuse alcohol is more likely to become a substance abuser themselves...
2006-11-27 13:20:24 · answer #5 · answered by tigerlily_catmom 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I understand and I applaud you! Your are to be commended for your decision! I know it was difficult to follow your head rather than your heart. But you made the only choice possible. Dont you dare doubt it for a second. You need a life. And have given your daughter an example to be so proud of. It would be wonderful if he could be half as strong as you are. But that is NOT your problem. Again, I have nothing but praise and admiration for your stamina! Hold your head high. YOU are a WINNER!!!
2006-11-27 13:25:39 · answer #6 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know as well as anyone that he is the only person who can convince himself to change. You can't force him. He has chosen between you and drinking, sadly. Maybe with time he will realize the only way to make this work is to get help, but for now, keep doing the right thing and stay away. Let him figure this out himself. It will hurt, but you were right to get out of it, regardless of how much you love him.
2006-11-27 13:23:33 · answer #7 · answered by Chris 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't divorce him, if you were married.
Help him. Stay living seperate, but encourage him to go to AA meetings.
My grandfather was an alcholic until he was 37.
He has been sober since then. He is now 74.
If he can do it whilst being sick, anyone can.
It is a problem, it is an addiction. He needs help. He won't be able to just drop the problem, but he really needs the support. If you can help him from a distance, it's better than nobody helping him at all.
2006-11-27 13:19:54 · answer #8 · answered by pajamapants 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I TOTALLY understand except I haven't found the courage to leave. In my case I am now becoming an alcoholic because I am tired of being the "responsible" one. Tired of making excuses for him. Do NOT go back. You would only be telling him that it is OK. Be strong for your child if nothing else. Come on you did this much on your own...you can do it!
Good luck!
2006-11-27 13:19:02 · answer #9 · answered by Mega 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was wise of you to get out of that situation. Your boyfriend has deep problems that will only drag you down too. He needs help, professional help. And this help will only work if he really wants it too. I understand that your heart is broken and your desire to be with him and help him, but for your sake and that of your child's stay away from him until he does get help. By staying away from him he'll hit rock bottom faster because you won't be there to support him and this is what he may need to decide he needs help. It's tough being in love and it's tougher not being able to help the one you love. And what he needs is tough love. Stay away until he's really ready for professional help. Good luck and God bless.
2006-11-27 13:31:33 · answer #10 · answered by sto_243 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋