Is it being callous or not?

Question

I volunteer in a professional association. A colleague often says and does things that I feel are callous. She says that she cannot make someone feel hurt. The other person makes the choice of feeling hurt. This seems mixed up to me. Can anyone shed light on this for me?

Answer 1

Sounds like the person it just a jerk who refuses to take responsibility for her own behavior.

Even though you say you're volunteering, is there someone you all report to? A volunteer coordinator, association president, or whatever it is in your case. You've already tried talking to the person and gotten nowhere. Now it's time to bring in the big guns. Tell whoever is the final authority there that you're concerned that this person's behaviour is inappropriate and negatively affecting everyone else. You've spoken to her but haven't been able to reach a resolution yourself, and you would appreciate some help with the situation.

Answer 2

People can choose how they react to hurtful remarks, but they cannot choose how they feel about them. It's not a choice. If she isn't affected by these things or never experiences these kinds of feelings, she may be a sociopath or has other issues. But it's more likely she is just putting it that way as an excuse to steamroll over others then blame them for reacting. Either way, she sounds like a real piece of work.

Answer 3

Whilst it is true that no one can MAKE anyone else feel hurt/ sad/ whatever as they don't actually get inside your head and FORCE your thoughts - it is also true that sometimes, we give our opinions as facts and that can appear hurtful. Actually, I think that everything we say is a personal opinion - problems can arise when we believe the other person knows more than us or has more insight than us, or whatever and we start to be affected by this other person's view in an adverse way. However, keeping one's unasked opinions to oneself is a sign of a Great Mind. As you can see though, I am not one of those as I have given you MY opinion! You may ignore this...it is a choice!

Answer 4

I've approached a 'similar' question from a different perspective here previously.

In many respects it's a complex scenario, in others, it's simple.

By the picture you paint, your colleague is out to abuse whoever she chooses to, and for whatever her reasons (likely some ‘Power‘ thing).

If I call my girlfriend 'a whore,' she will smile at me and say, ''Yup, and I'm your whore.'' She isn't offended by that or any other name I might choose to use towards her.

Like your colleague, I believe that people are hurt because they chose to be ~ and that they will not feel 'hurt' unless they chose to ~ unless I stand on their toes.

The difference between physical and emotional hurts is obvious here.

I once watched a white woman all but 'argue with' a black guy where she was telling him that 'he should feel offended at a racial(!) joke,' BUT which he said he thought it was very funny, and 'did NOT feel what she thought he OUGHT to feel' (this was on the ‘Robert Kilroy-Silk‘ morning audience participation TV show).

In my experience, the majority of people do not actually recognise they feel ‘hurt’ because of something said. For cultural reasons they will make the leap to anger ~ though some will state they feel offended or which ever they choose to acknowledge it with.

Often it seems to me that ‘their best form of defence is to Attack,’ instead of dealing with the ‘offence itself’ - head on.

We English are going the same way as the Americans and responding with, ’You’ll be hearing from my lawyer’ ~ as if the lawyer is yer Big brother who’s going to keep the bullies away, or, the reaction is to BURST into either child-like name calling or Violence with a ‘Licence’ self-righteously felt born from experiencing abuse.


It’s contentious of me to call this, ‘The Adult Way’ of dealing with a problem, but I think that this Adult way of it is to say something like, ‘Why is it that you are trying to be so offensive to me?’ Or, ‘Why is it that you insist on being rude / provocative to ----- whoever?’

I can understand and recognise what others mean and write, and I can appreciate it from my own past. But, as reluctant as I am to somewhat agree with your colleague, I do agree with her opinion, BUT NOT with the Licence believed held to be so bloody-mindedly provocative.

Sash.

Answer 5

This is an opinion that is shared by many in the same way as they say that nobody can make you feel inferior, except you.... in other word you have to allow yourself to take to heart what they say.

What it means is that you should ignore, if you ignore them then they have not succeeded in what they truly want to do.

However I think that that is rather callous, so I agree with you.

Answer 6

Your colleague is WHACKED !!

Obviously she is in self denial about taking responsibility for her own insensitive remarks.

Pick one of her (hopefully faulty) attributes and then point it out to her. (Tell her she's flat-chested and has buck-teeth, or one of her breasts sags more than the other, or that she has bandy legs, or something). Then, wait a few minutes to observe her reactions and ask her if she feels hurt. If she does not, then she's just NUMB.


Good luck with this one.


and I admit NONE of these are the least bit PROFESSIONAL !

Answer 7

Actually its true,what it means is you can take steps to deal with the way you feel about what they do to you, I couldn't make you feel something you don't, neither can your colleague as they are your feelings. Example, if something really hurt me but not you, it don't matter how hard I try I couldn't make you hurt about it at all, the same with silly comments and actions. You can de sensitise yourself from being hurt by someone by looking at why they say things or do things to try to hurt you and how you can deal with it, rise above it in your own mind. Rise above it even if you are feeling terrible, never let her see how much it hurts or else or she has got you, be more professional than her, she don't sound to professional to me. She probably knows she is hurting you, don't let her win but don't strike back using her tactics and lowering yourself, be much more subtle :D By recognising what she does shows you are better than her.

Answer 8

She is nothing but a Bully!!! If she uses such a lame excuse as that!
She CAN make someone feel hurt and SHE knows it!
She gets pleasure from hurting them.
We cant control what hurts or angers us we can only control how we show it, or don't show it. In her case I'd advise you and your colleagues not too show any emotion even if you feel it. It wont be easy to do sometimes but at least she wont get her 'satisfaction'

Answer 9

Sounds like nothing more than an excuse for being rude. People like that dont care if they hurt someone elses feelings, and its an easy way out of having a conscious. What you have here is your basic jerk.
I read the best quote today in my Oprah mag.....
Rudeness is the weak man's attempt to show strength

Answer 10

That is a crock, her words can definetely hurt someone, maybe she just needs an excuse to diss people. Words are a very effective way of controlling people. You can elevate them or destroy them by what you say. Give me 5 minutes with her and I will demonstrate.