Don't know what to do or think?? I will have several additional comments so please be patient until the last.

Question

Please, no smart comments (I have heard those on here before) I really need serious advice & serious answers. I have been dating a man named Keith for 8 months. At the very first he told me upfront that he was married but separated. It did bother me because of that but he told me they had been living apart for 1 ½ years but just hadn’t gotten a divorce because he had an 11 year old daughter named Sara that didn’t know they were separated. He has this construction job that only allowed him to come home twice a month on the weekends. So when he did get home he would pick up Sara and stay at his cousins house (this is where he moved into after he moved from his wife) He never explained to Sara they were separated and she never asked. She just enjoyed the time with her dad. Shortly before he and I started talking he got a local job where I live (his daughter lives 100 miles away) He also got an apartment here.

. So after about 3 months of dating Sara came to visit with him and I met her. She is very sweet and we got along good. He asks me to move in with him but he said he would talk to Sara first. He only told her we were going to be living together in the form of roommates, she was ok with that. So we did it and she has been to visit twice since we moved in together. The entire time she is around we do not cuddle, fondle, hold hands, kiss and we definitely do not sleep in the same room. We have a two bedroom where he has his clothes and a bed and she sleeps in there and he sleeps on the couch. We don’t want her think its ok for premarital sex. Well when Keith took her home she told him that her mom ask her questions like who comes to see your dad, are any girls over there and told her that them breaking up was all her dads fault and he doesn’t help them in any way.

Keith had never told Sara why they broke up or anything but since her mom had put one sided information in her head, he told her how much money he gives her mom each month, that the break up was 50/50 and things like that. So later that night her mom called and said that Sara thinks everything is her fault and Keith said well we will sit down with her and discuss it with her and make she knows it’s not her fault. He also wanted to speak with Sara but her mom said she didn’t want her to know she called her dad. It was a lengthy conversation and they started arguing then she was asking him questions like did he hate her and stuff like that and he told her the only thing we need to be talking about here is Sara and nothing else matters and she said well I need to talk to you and he said is it about Sara and she said no but I still love you and he said I don’t want to hear this and hung up. I am very concerned about this.

I wonder from anyone who has experienced this how big of a problem am I in? He has wanted to get a divorce but money has been tight. We checked on the prices and the cheapest where we live is 1300 bucks so he is going to do this very first thing when the income taxes come back. He said he never did it before because of the reason I listed above plus he hadn’t met anyone that he wanted to be with. He wants us to get married and things. I am just really really scared that she will convince him to come back or his daughter will want him to come back home. He has assured me lots of things happened in that relationship and he would never go back even if he and I were not together. He also told me he knows what he has know, he loves me, he trust me, I am honest with him and we have a good relationship no way he would lose that for what he already knows is bad.

I just don’t know what to think, feel, or do? Please any ideas. Let me just say I truly love him and I would be lost without him and my family loves him dearly as well. Thanks so much for your help.

Keith called to speak to his daughter last night but she was asleep, her mom said I need to talk to you about something, he said what? She said are we really going to get divorced? He said yes we really are, she said why, he said cause it's over with us and you know it. She wanted to know how far along he was on the divorce and told him she wanted to move on with her life and wanted to know when it would be complete. he said move on with your life, what you do is none of my concern....what do you guys gather from that??

Answer 1

Darling, the man loves you. You don;t have to be worried, You have to understand that if a child is involved, he has to be very careful not to hurt the child's feelings, He has been very goo d handling the situation with the daughter in an exemplary manner, so have you.

Of course, the soon 2 b ex is going to pull a lot of fast ones in desperation. WHO wouldn't want the status of being married, with all the benefits, the independence and no struggle? Fortunately for you, the marriage has been long over and he loves you.

There is no need for you to be fearful, but you shouldn't be. He has fulfill his word so far and has always told you the truth. You know where his tax return money is going... that is so sweet of him to plan this money to do it, just because you deserve it and this situation cannot go for much longer, It needs to be aver in paper.. that will give both of you peace of mind.

It's sad that the child is in the middle of all of this, while the mother is trying desperately to manipulate things and coerce her into things. It's understable that she is jealous, but she should not use the child as emotional black mail. Shame on her.

Stay put and don;t get desperate, there is no need. He will soon get divorced and you won;t have to worry about this uncomfortable situation anymore.

Good luck

Answer 2

You have really stepped into a mess--first by getting involved with him (a married man), then by living with him, and then by your both lying to his daughter.

Now, having said all that, it sounds to me like he's really sincere and everything is on the "up and up" and that this relationship will/can work.

I suggest that he get the money together and pay for his divorce, even if he has to take a second job. Do not contribute a penny. This has to be his responsibility from start to finish--from earning the money to starting the divorce proceedings until it is completely done.

Be prepared for a long and rocky ride, as it sounds like his wife is not going to make it easy or pretty, especially now that you're in the picture. He needs a really, really, really good lawyer--especially when it comes to the question of custody, so he'd better get that second job to pay for it.

His daughter is waaaay too old to be lied to about this situation, so stop it. IMMEDIATELY.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Well....you certainly have a situation....but it sounds as if you both really care about each other. It is always hard when there are children involved and it probably will get worse before it ever gets better. However, he is with you and is trying to tell you that he wants to be with you not her. when the tax refund check comes, make sure that he does file for divorce...that will tell the story. In the mean time, be good to him and be good to his dtr. Try not to put pressure on him about the situation as it will only make it more difficult for everyone. Let things work themselves out. If it is meant to be a long term relationship between the two of you, then it will be......if not, there is nothing you can do....so be patient, be loving, take care of yourself, and as long as you still want to be with him stay. If you start feeling that it is hopeless or that he is using you then you will know what to do....I think it's too soon to make any rash decisions and that you should just wait....good luck..I hope things work out for the two of you....

Answer 4

You sound just like me! I met a man that said he had been seperated from his wife for 6 months and he went home on weekends to visit his children; a 2 hour drive. We were together all the time during the week but every weekend he was with his kids. After several month he finally admitted that he had been working away from his family but that he had never been seperated from his wife. He was away from her for the job but he met me and now he wanted a divorce from her. He got the divorce and 2 months later we got married...I have spent the last 4 years of my life being tormented by his ex and by his children...who hate me because they blame me for the divorce. He has no relationship with his kids because they refuse to see him or talk to him because of the things their mother tells them. She does everything she can think of to make me doubt him and to make me miserable. The kids play the same game with her and beleiev all her lies. If I could go back and do it all again I would know for sure that he was seperated, that his kids knew it and that his wife was aware of his intentions. The kids would know the truth from the beginning and it would have saved me a lot of hurt and hate. Don't start out like I did with lies and hurt feelings from the beginning. Get everything out in the open and find a way to be civil with his ex. It will save you years of grief.

Answer 5

i know you love him and it seems he does too but don't you think you deserve a lot more then just being a part time lover/friend. you deserve 100% of his attention and he needs to come clean about who you really are not to mention the fact that he should get a divorce ASAP! until he can give you that, maybe you should step back and let him handle his business with his daughter and his ex. i'm not saying to give up on him but he needs to straighten up a few things before he can move on whole heartedly with you - think about it!

Answer 6

If he is being honest, and you are showing doubt, you will lose him for sure. Income tax time is around the corner. Wait it out, trust him, and have a good time. If he gets his income tax and makes some new excuse why he can't afford to get the divorce, then break it off.

Answer 7

I would suggest you put your love and relationship in god's hands. You sound like you truly do love him and I think he loves you too. I would just tell him that you are here for him and will support him through a rough time, and make sure that he knows how much you love him, don't pressure him and don't show that you are worried, just make sure that when he is with you, you two have a great time together, and when he goes back to talk to his wife, its not like he wants to get back together with her, he is going to talk to her about their daughter, don't worry about it. and I know that right now you are scared to lose him, but I don't think you will, if he truly loves you, he will be with you, but it might be a rocky road, get ready dear!

Answer 8

If you really love each other, you should move out until his divorce is final. Put your relationship on a friendship basis until he is no longer married. Once he is free, you can marry and live together. If you do not do this, your relationship will be in trouble!

Answer 9

for starters you shouldn't date a person who is still married. even if he isn't living with his wife. you need to tell him that you cannot see him until the divorce is final and you have the proof in your hands.

Answer 10

I hate to tell you this, but you have moved in with someone with baggage! In addition, he will have this baggage for the rest of HIS LIFE! His child will never go away; his Ex Wife will never go away. You are going to have to deal with HIS dilemma for the rest of your life “IF” you stay with him. Are you ready for this? Can you handle HIS problems because that is what it is HIS PROBLEM!