Suppose you fell in love with someone other than your husband / spouse of 15 years. You still love your husband, very much, you are just not "in" love with him; you are in love with this other person. The other is still in love with you, but chooses his wife. To top it all off, you have to think of the best situation for your children to grow up in. Suggestions? Cutting it off completely doesn't seem to be working. Counseling is helping, a little, but it is a long process, and the relationship has existed for almost a year.
2006-11-27 07:59:39 · 17 answers · asked by Blondie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It will take time, and much effort on your part, to let the lover go. Stop all contact with him/her; when you find your mind wandering to him/her, stop and think of something else; focus on your family and your marriage.
Find something good about your spouse that attracted you to him/her in the first place.
Ask yourself these questions:
Have you done everything you can think of to salvage what's left of your marriage?
Do you have any feelings at all left for your spouse, be they negative or positive?
If you answer "yes" to either of those questions, there is still something left, and you should work on it and give all your energy to it. Good luck.
2006-11-27 08:16:02 · answer #1 · answered by kellygirlaj 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look it is not going to be easy. I have been in this situation but I was in love with both men. My ex boyfriend was the love of my life then he moved away. I married my best friend and my ex returned and he contacted me. All those feelings came back and to be honest it made me think of "what might have been". But I noticed that it was effecting my marriage. we were both involved but we both knew it was wrong but we also knew what we felt was real. I had to stop because I knew it couldn't be. becasue we both were not about to leave our partners. He said he was not IN love with her, but I couldnt say that. But I believe if I was not in love with my husband then I would of left him. You have a different situation you are NOT in love with your husband. Look your kids are not blind and they are not stupid. We sometimes dont think they can see when our feelings change. Dont stay for your children, because in the long run you may begin to resent your family. Try being on your own or better yet continue with counseling. The problem now a days is we dont work for our marriage, it is hard but you may be blinded by the feelings of this new person. Good luck.
2006-11-27 08:10:49 · answer #2 · answered by trouble comes a knockin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being married for a long time, in your case 15 years, can become stale. What I believe you need to do is concentrate on your own husband. Spice it up a bit, plan a trip to go away for a weekend. Make it an exotic adventure, buy some beautiful outfits to be used for a night out on the town and then another one for the evening. Take control for that evening, change your normal routine of lovemaking - maybe tie him to the bedpost and take advantage of him. Make it so he wants you again and plans other times to gete away. Fall in love all over again with him. If you've put this much time into the relationship, isn't worth rekindling?
2006-11-27 08:08:28 · answer #3 · answered by Bob_Eagle_FL 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First I think when you got married, you should have known that you are to be with that person forever because that person is the one. Sounds like you weren't sure about that completely when you got married, which inevitably led you you searching for another connection outside of your marriage. I think you can only truly get over an emotional bond like this if you see it to the end, like, date him, be with him, try out the realtionship and in the end you'll be left with the fact that you two are meant to be, or not meant to be. That final conclusion is your closure and allows people to get over this sort fo thing. But the problem is, your married, he's married, so that path seems unlikely. Therefore, you can't truly get over him. You can only accept that you can't be with him, but no matter how long you go without him, no matter how much you tell yourself that your over him, 10 years from now he may pop back in your mind and you will wonder again, "how would it have been if I continued with him instead". One day you might accualy seek him out.
This is why people should marry others for the right reasons.
2006-11-27 08:06:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can say that I know where you are coming from. I was married to my first husband for 15 years and I fell out of love with him at about 14 years. I cheated on him and had very strong feelings for this man. Unfortunately, he was married and didn't want to give up his wife. This was strictly a no strings thing. I have been divorced for 9 months from my ex husband but I remarried in April of this year to a wonderful man. I am much happier but I still think of him and wonder what he is up to. Part of me would like to see him just one more time. My children wanted to live with my husband since the divorce and so we worked that out with them. Just follow your heart. There is no sense in being miserable for the rest of your life if you are not in love with your husband. If you would like to talk more please get in contact with me.
2006-11-27 08:09:44 · answer #5 · answered by ablondy4you 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You both like to have the cake and eat it too. Stop being a hipocryte and accept resposabilities for your actions. Cheating is wrong in any way, form or fashion. That crap of "love but not in love" is a pile of dog sh!t. You are trying to justify your behavior and his by implying that is right to date married men while married yourself. I will spare you the judgement and I'll get to the point.
You are not "over it" because in the back of your head, you want to fulfill your relationship with this other person in a physical way. You are obseesed with finding the way for this to work and the challenge keeps you going. This relationship is feding off your own fantasies and that has you all hooked up like a drug.
You see your own marriage and it's lack of luster for being well worn and is not exciting anymore... and this "platonic" affair is ampliying your husbands flaws and you want to feel alive and pretty.. and say, you internet boyfrind (I'm guessing) is fulfilling all the void in your middle life crises.
How to get rid of it?
Ask your bf to marry you and to adopt your children and to take over the mortgage payment. Demand that he divorces his wife and be in a "real" relationship with you.
See how fast he runs.
The end
2006-11-27 08:09:25 · answer #6 · answered by Blunt 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't be happy if your not in love with your husband. Since there are kids involved you should try your best to get back what you obviously had at one time with your hubby. You married him and had kids with him. Maybe the two of you need to get away alone together and try to rekindle the old flame. It sounds like the other guy who you fell emotionally in love with isn't planning on leaving his wife and spending the rest of his life with you. So therefore.........Get over it! Don't dwell over the past. It will only hurt you! Good Luck! I know it isn't easy!
2006-11-27 08:07:22 · answer #7 · answered by nonya 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been in alot of relationships in my time. But Im not married but i hope i can help you. My boyfriend and I have been through alot of things to be together I have walked down roads I shouldnt have to walk down I stood by his side while he was out cheating on me with his so called best friend. I took it upon my self to cheat on him to see if I would feel guilty. I did im not going to lie I did feel guilty but inside me it was self satisfaction. I never fell in love with no one other than my boyfriend but if jarrell and I had kids together and I fell in love with someone who was married and you both are in love with each other I would tell my husband that things wasnt going our way any more and we have grown apart. Tell him I love you you are the father of my children but the love there between us is gone. and I would end it with the outside person. I would go through a divorce but make sure it is not a nasty divorce where you 2 hate each other you have to get along for your children.And then I would explain it to my children why and tell them some times things just dont work like we planned and then I would move on.
2006-11-27 08:12:40 · answer #8 · answered by ivory 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yet another reason why cheating is not a good idea. The truth is that there is no quick way for you to get over it, it will just take time. Can you please explain what you mean when you say you love your husband but are not in love with him? Kinda seems like the same thing to me
2006-11-27 08:02:47 · answer #9 · answered by Allinwiththenuts 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
depending on your situation with your husband, which if their are kid's involved you have to think of your kids and how they will grow up without their father in their life. But if that is what you want to do is cut it off. YOU have to put your mind to do just that what"s more important your love life are your kids.Who say that your relationship will last with this guy. You have to have will power.
2006-11-27 08:08:30 · answer #10 · answered by Earl H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋