No matter what I do, My husband refuses to have sex with me when I want it. What the f***? Give me some advice

Question

I am a very beautiful blk woman. I have a very high sex drive.(which my husband never complained about before) We have been together for 5yrs. We have two children together- 19 month old and a 8 week old baby. Even when the children are sleep-or away-even when Im fresh out of the shower with Victoria's Secret on-even when I strut around like a sex-godess-he never wants me. I need to have sex everyday or I am highly stressed and depressed. We only have sex when he is ready-which is maybe every 3 days. Im sick and tired of this ****. Someone please give me some advice. Im not going to divorce him nor cheat. We are a Christian couple and I have prayed that he'll desire me the same way I desire him, but it has yet to come. Maybe I need to get help for my over-sexual mind. I dont know. He has no ED problems nor is he cheating. He does have a high workload and is stressd from work most nights. Thanks a bunch!!!!

Answer 1

Wow, you certainly do have a voracious sex drive! :)

Going just from the information you've provided, the key here seems to me to be that your husband "has a high workload and is stressed from work most nights."

Guys get a reputation for ALWAYS wanting to have sex at the drop of a hat, but this is just a generalization. To be honest, it takes man time to "recharge" so to speak, and 2-3 days is not an abnormal drive for a man at all.

It's also *very* common for men (especially as they get older) who are stressed with their life/work to lose interest in sex. They are expending so much mental and emotional energy in their work, that they simply do not have much desire or drive to also pursue things sexually with their wives. A man's libido is used both in his work and his relationships, and his is being depleted constantly.

So part of the solution, I think, is to ease up on him a little. The stress you are putting on him probably is NOT helping matters, and it's also probably making him feel inadequate as a man (and I'm betting he already feels inadequate at his job, if he's so stressed). The more inadequate you make him feel, the worse the situation will get... and the more guilt he will feel over not being able to please you.

I am also very concerned that you feel highly stressed and depressed if you do not have sex daily.

I think it's possible for someone to WANT sex daily, sure, and have that level of drive, in a healthy way... but if you become THIS stressed and depressed without sex, then I think there are some deeper emotional issues going on that you are using sex to avoid.

(As if you're looking for some affirmation from your husband that you are desirable, for example, and aren't getting it from other parts of your life.)

Why is a lack of daily sex having such a profound impact upon your self-esteem... or why does it seem to leave you angry / on edge? If I was in your situation, this is what I would look at.

I think when you pray, you should focus on some other possibilities besides God endowing your man with a sex drive to rival your own (although I can understand the request... :) ):

- Pray that your man finds the peace and strength he needs to deal with his work situation and finding ways to alleviate the stress, if possible. (Perhaps even find a new job, if necessary, to help his life get back on track.)

- Pray that you will see ways to support your husband in these endeavors, and be able to find peace with yourself so that you can give to him the support he needs until he gets over this hump. (He won't make it without you.)

- Pray for perception in your own life, that you will see what is driving you and what needs you might be feeling in your life, and how maybe God can address these in other ways besides just sexually.

- Pray for ways in which your bridled energy can be loosed in other ways besides sexually -- giving to your children, giving to your community, etc. You have a LOT of passion and desire, and God can use that... you can give it to others, rather than taking from your husband.

These are just ideas. If you have some friends at church, you can also solicit their input and prayers. you don't have to go this alone.

You definitely sound like a vivacious beautiful woman, with a lot of drive and direction and passion. It's just that sometimes that sometimes the drive might need redirected or rechanneled. Use your faith in God and your love for your husband to guide you.

Answer 2

It's called stress and life. I doubt it's cheating. People (men / women) go through this daily. There's times my hubby refuses me too, but then again I'm also the same way at times. And because you NEED sex on a daily basis, he is probably a little more stressed than more guys, considering he not only has to perform at work, then perform for kids then he has the added stress of knowing you will be all over him. Kick back and relax and buy a toy if you need it that bad, but stop putting so much pressure on him - he has enough already.

Answer 3

Lower his workload and stress level. I don't have the details of his stress level, so I can't give a lot of advice there, but for work load, get someone to help arround the house for his chores, or you do them.

Also, make sure that sex isn't a stress-builder. Is he normally attentive and careful to try and please you? Have you ever considered that it could add to an already heavy stress load to do that? Some women seem to think that because it's so easy for them to please their husbands, it's no big deal to expect a dog and pony show every time they climb in bed. It takes a lot of work to romance a girl. I don't mind the work, when I've got the energy, but the thing that drives most of my frends crazy is if they get one little thing wrong, it's over. I had one friend whose wife actually said he wasn't getting any that night because he got pink flowers instead of red. That's an extreem example, but do you do things like that without thinking about it? Try setting up some just-for-him nights. I know you're probably exausted with two kids, but you're the one saying you want it, so you're the one who's going to have to put in the work! Let him climb into bed, and when he gets there, you romance him, and when he says he doesn't have the energy, just say, "Shhh, just relax, it's just a massage, just releasing some of your stress."

Also, consider his time table. If he has to wake up at 4:00 am, getting started at 10:00 pm isn't going to work... he'll fall asleep as you're getting started. Consider his schedule, and make yourself avaliable at the times that he'll be awake, fed, and at the lowest possible stress level. Right after dinner usually works best for most couples. On a night when the kids are gone, have him come home from work to find you in your Victoria Secret and just recently shaved, feed him, then give him a shoulder rub while he does any work that needs to be done at home. Once he's done with whatever he needs to get done, lead him upstairs, don't make him lift a finger, just take care of him.

Answer 4

You are being unreasonable in your demands. Your sex drive is motivated by insecurity and not desire. He has to prove himself to you daily or you are not satisfied. This can be a turn off in and of itself. You should see a gynocologist and get your hormones checked they sound like they are in over drive. It is possible that you are a sex addict. We don't often hear of women with this problem but they are out there. The fact that you are highly stressed and depressed indicates an unhealthy desire. Maybe see an Internal Meds about the depression and he can help you with some anti-anxiety meds and make recommendations for further treatment.

Answer 5

According to most surveys, the average married couple has sex 2 - 3 times a week. Only every two or three days is not unusual. You have an eight week old baby - I have a feeling he is still adjusting to the new addition to your family and he is a little stressed. Be patient, he will eventually come around.

Answer 6

First off you need to talk to your husband and make sure everything is ok. Most men want to have sex more than every 3days. Sounds as if he may be interested in someone else. If you don't think that's it try a different position or move on him. Rent a porno and watch it while having sex, and try toys for both of you. If all that fails then get a rabbit for you I would recommend the bullet. Found online and in an adult bookstore.

Answer 7

Hmm, sounds like he is stressed out and probably very tired as well from work and a brand new baby. All of that can affect a man sex drive and ability to perform. He may desire you but his inability to perform may be getting in the way. The only thing to do is convey your feelings to him. Ask him what you can do to help the situation. Whatever you do, DON'T ATTACK HIM!!! As you know, sex and a man's performance is a touchy touchy subject for a man. And if he starts getting upset, try to understand that he is stressed out and it may make him overly sensitive as well. Crying always helps too to get a guy to stop and ACTUALLY listen to what you are trying to say to him. I know, it involves a lil game playing, but sometimes, it is necessary in order to get the Martians to understand and communicate with the women from Venus. Good luck honey.

Answer 8

Your last line explains alot. Stress can destroy a mans sex drive. I know from personal expirience, stress can just wear a guy out to where he has no desire for sex. If he can, see if he can get some time off and just spend some time alone if you can get someone to watch the kids. Just take a little vacation so he can unwind. It will probably help.

Hope that this helps. Take care and God bless.

Answer 9

This is a tough one. I feel the best way of resolving this problem is to talk about it with your husband. I have had the same type of problems and was frustrated beyond belief. I lost one relationship over it and now recommend sitting down and talking it out. If you can not seem to do it alone you can always get professional help with the problem. I could not stand it anymore and found out that the reason ended up having very little to do with me but my significant other was stressed out and had anxiety over talking about their desires. We talked and talked and talked and ended up going to a therapist together and individually and we both found we had issues with revealing out deep desires. The therapist helped us first vocalize our desires to ourselves and then to each other. Now we can discuss all of out deep dark desires and we help each other act out some of our fantasies. I still do not get as mush sex as I would like but it is much better. and the quality if immensely better as well.

I have the benefit that my better half does not mind if I surf the net for adult content and use self stimulation for the times when we are not together.

Good luck.

Answer 10

I can tell from your name that you are Indian. Since I am American married to a man from India I would say I know quite a lot about Indian culture. Firstly, your English is a bit hard to understand. You did not share the details of what your husband was chatting about with his ex-girl friend whom you mean to say is a foreigner? I can see how that would make you upset and feel betrayed. Do you think he wants to get back together with his ex-g/f? He should not make you say sorry in front of the Uncle when you dud nothing wrong. You need to build up your self-esteem. Your husband can not get away with his deceitful behavior and expect you to sleep with him right away. You can not be intimate with someone you do not trust. If you are living in the U.S. You can get a divorce if you do not feel like he is going to change. If you are in India, then the pressures of family and society may force you to stay married to him.