Help how do I know if my husband will act on his desires?

Question

My husband looks at gay porn and has desires of being with men but he says it's just a sexual thing. He says that he couldn't never have a real realationship with a man. He has been having these desires for along time. He is a very great husband and we have good sex, he tells me all the time how much I turn him on. He siad that he loved me enough that he would never act on these feelings. Also he just told me that he likes th wear my undergarments and makeup and jack-off in front of the mirror. He hates himself for doing these things but he said that I'm more important so he wants his life with me. He's never tried being with another man, I feel like he's being honost.

Answer 1

If he is doing these things I would say he has acted on them, thinking about it, or is going to...I am sorry. This could end your marriage, it needs to be thoroughly discussed.

Answer 2

I am going to give an honest answer, if you do not want an honest answer, please do not read the rest of my posting. I mean that seriously, not as a tacit insult.

Your husband cannot have a relationship with another male because he believes it to be wrong (you bear that out by saying he hates himself for the things he does). That is a socially learned skill. He also loves you -- therefore he wants to stay with you. He is at least functionally bisexual however -- know that. It is probable, if he is doing as much as you are saying -- that he tilts toward being gay (the cross-dressing stuff is totally immaterial and has nothing to do with gay or straight, so discard it).

That said. Since he has not reasoned through it neutrally, but with a lens of self-hatred and sexual loathing for what is, very realistically, a major part of himself, he is harming himself. He is not (regardless of what he says) happy, not really, not if he is in large part gay -- and while he may not realize this now, he will many years from now when he starts getting older and the years and their opportunities have slipped away.

I am gay. My first lover was bisexual, we became a couple when we were younger teenagers. We loved each other very, very much. He did not want to leave me -- he did not particularly want to like women -- but he had no choice, just as your husband has no choice but to, underneath, like men.

I recognized that. It hurt me, BUT, I loved him more than I loved myself - so I had a long serious talk with him -- and I let him go as he would. It was difficult, it was painful, but it was for the best for him. He is married now -- but the six years we had were wonderful and cannot be taken away. Now I have another lover with whom I've been for fifteen years. We (my first lover and I) are still close friends, though we rarely see each other (we live on nearly opposite coasts.)

Is that the solution for you? Maybe, maybe not. Just understand that his feelings will never change -- and while you may be able to enforce the prohibitions and societal positions that will keep him with you -- by encouraging his self-loathing and reinforcing his self-doubt -- ultimately he is very unlikely to be completely happy under these circumstances.

If you want the relationship to be honest, then look beyond yourself and your perfectly understandable desire to "keep" him. Sit down, talk about sexuality, help him (really help him, don't use pretend help as a mode to reinforce the things you want reinforced) to get beyond acting to "keep you" and not incidentally to "keep" his public shield that says "look, I'm straight -- see, I have a wife" and encourage him to acknowledge all of himself, not as dirty or evil -- but as natural and what he is. THEN let him choose what he wants, to stay or to go, without onus or self-loathing. If at that point (and it will take months or years to get him to the point where he can) he says he will stay with you, without appendages to the promise such as the "I could never have a real relationship with a man" -- which is bull frankly, then you have a commitment, and you can grow old happy and content with one another. If he can't make that decision in peace rather than coercion -- then you never did.

Kind thoughts,

Reynolds
[e-mail]

Answer 3

The truth of the matter: you don't know if he will act on his desires. It's one of those things you have to take on trust, just like wondering if he will be faithful and all that. Every wife (and every husband) has these issues that they worry about. Yours just happens to be a bit more unique because you have your fears concretized in front of you. You need to ask if the fear of him doing these things in the future is enough to end the relationship right now and risk him never having done anything.

In my opinion, it sounds like he is absolutely devoted to you and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that, and you feel like he's being honest, so I think you can feel safe in believing him.

The only thing I'd counsel is that maybe he needs therapy. Not because he has these desires (a lot of straight, married men do), but because he hates himself for doing them, which is never a healthy way to live, hating what you do. It cripples your self-esteem and does far worse things psychologically for you. He should see a counselor to either accept these things for himself or even test if they are emotionally healthy for him, or perhaps symptoms of something deeper.

Good luck, dear.

Answer 4

Goldy - a man who is sensitive, has deep talks, empathizes and is romantic is a REAL MAN. You must have just crawled out from under a neanderthal rock if you think only women have these attributes. Whether he's effeminate or not, a spousal relationship is different than a friend relationship. We all need friends outside of our marriage.

Answer 5

Stop worrying about whether or not he will act out these fantasies. help him to accept them. be a part of his fantasies and there will be less likelyhood that he will stray. maybe help him pick out some lingerie to try on. Help him with the make-up thing, You can do all sorts of things that will make him feel more comfortable, and in turn maybe you will get more exciting sex from it. But remember to truly accept him, and do not try to force him backwards. It never works out for the good. Just Love him ( all of him).

Answer 6

Wow. What a load for you to carry! I don't think you will really know if he will act on his desires. But it seems like he is trying more things a little at a time, for example, he had the desire, started watching gay porn, now wear your undergarments and makeup. What's next? He needs prayer.

Answer 7

this is very normal, he don't wants be with any man , but he has a strong femele hormones and he feel like to be a woman some times . If you don't my maybe you can be his partener in his fantasis , I know thats only think he wants . taboo and more taboos, if you anderstand that . he wants feel like a woman . I know you 2 can have a great time with love and anderstand . is fan .i think you should be his fantasy.not like gays but like 2 Lesbians. Thats fan and i know .

Answer 8

Well, it sounds like he is afraid to totally accept what he is feeling. Maybe you both should see a therapist. He could be living in denial, afraid to dissapoint you or ruin your marriage. It's great that he is open and honest with you, but I really think you should see a professional on this!
Best of luck to you both!

Answer 9

you don't know if he will or not. just pray about it.
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there's nothing wrong with your husband being bisexual. so he shouldn't hate himself for who he really is. in this life you gotta do what makes you, YOU! you can't do what makes you someone else!

Answer 10

i had those desires and acted on them. im only into oral and thats it. i have the same situation and i love my wife, but there is this strong itch.