Facing second divorce and devastated with depression?

Question

I think I'm going through a great depression cause I believe I dont have what it takes to be married to my wife. She is beautiful. Promiscuous past. Our families are different. So much so that I dont like to be with them. I jealous but not controlling. Instead choosing to silently suffer because I dont want to control her.
We've talked. I just dont think we should be married. So many people would be devastated. I could lose the only women that has mostly everything I wanted. But the very things that I didnt like when we got together are still there. She wants to remain friends with her old friends. I dont get along with her family.

Her family : macho type, inconsiderate, shallow, materialistic, and rude. My family: the opposite of that.

We have lived away from her promiscuous past, our families since we've been married.But anytime we go back for holidays its fights. And pretty soon we plan to move back. She loves me but i just feel like i have to bare soo much. in pain

I love her too but we cant live in a bubble and in someways I dont think we should have ever married, but she was living really poorly when we met and I had it in my heart to love her. I told her I wouldnt/couldnt accept certain aspects of her life and thought we should break up but she said no, she would change and do what it took. She made changes and has turned her life around but i just feel so depleted. Maybe I am insecure and dont handle everyman on earth wanting my wife well. Maybe I am jealous and stuff so then shouldnt I let her go? Pray for me.

Answer 1

Get to a doctor and seek counseling. Her past is in the past let it go.

She is your family now. Her family of origin is a temporary inconvenience.

You need to work together to help each other.

Answer 2

Okay, you first need to seek counseling about your jealousy; I'm sure that every man who looks at your wife wants her is a perception on your part with your underlying jealousy. The family thing is also your trip (macho my A_s); What do you do when people are rude to you? I usually give them a taste of there own medicine and be somewhat rude to them just to make them think. Kindness isn't everything, on the overhand don't you understand that your wife Loves you and has done a complete turn around for you. It's not a job, it's compassion and growth if you can't go to counseling or enter some sort of therapy then I say you don't deserve her. Whats up with you feeling so devastated you are not being fair to her. Pull yourself together and Love her back, jealousy is a dangerous emotion that can control your life if you let it. You sound like a smart man so take a little advise from someone who cares. Go get help for yourself before you lose someone very dear to your heart.

Answer 3

I am so sorry you have to go through this- but I am sure it will make you both better people in the long run. I have been married twice, (and have my only child with my first husband.) Same story, kind of. Families different- both dysfunctional, but in different ways- his, very much what you say your wife's is. Both of us had a past, but somehow it was ok that he had one, but not ok that I did. He was jealous and possessive, and I had major self esteem issues. It was not easy, yet we chose to bring a child onto the scene.
So, my advice to you would be to think about the future. If she remains your wife, there will likely be children. Before this happens in the midst of unresolved issues, get to a counselor. A good one, and if you are Christian, go to a Christian one. Pray for the discernment to know if the counselor you are led to is the one who can help you.
In an ideal world, we are drawn to and marry the person we are meant to be with forever, to work together with like minds and provide companionship and encouragement for each other. But this is not the ideal world, and relationships are not easy. No person can tell you if you and your wife were meant to be together. But I know you both need to be on the same page. From my experience, I can tell you I had to choose the marriage, or my self, because my self was disappearing. If you feel this way, take your time and get the help you need. If you have to step on a bird's wing to keep it from flying away, is it worth keeping? Do what is best for you- then you can be what you need to be for others.
I sincerely hope everything works out for you!

Answer 4

One thing is for sure...in my opinion, it is not fair for you to expect her to change the way she is, expect her to stay away from her friends and one thing is for sure, her family will always be her family...these are her surroundings, the same surroundings that were there when you met her. It seems to me you have not accepted this woman for who she is. When you marry someone, to some degree you are bringing in a new famiy into your life and to the life of your future children...it is not to be taken litely and this is why it is imperative that you think it throughly very carefully to make sure that this is the woman for you. I am so sorry to say but according to what you are saying seems this beautiful woman was not meant for you. You seem like the more down to earth person and it sounds that she might be more on the wild side and maybe this is what attracted you to her in the first place...did not mean you needed to marry her. I say give it a last try in counseling and if you are not the type that wants to attend counseling, divorce might have to be an option. There is no need for you to be miserable and in pain and you know what? Do not live your life for what others may think, if this is your 2nd divorce...so what...it takes courage to get out of a bad marriage, if your family loves you they will support your decision. You also need to give her a chance at happiness, I dont think you can make her happy if you are miserable. Dont be selfish in your decision. You can still get it right 3rd time around! Good luck to you and your spouse.

Answer 5

What were your vows? I'll stay with you as long as I don't have to be with your family and you don't see your old friends? You overlooked those things knowing they were there and now you can't deal so you bail? Sounds like a cop out to me! Sounds like the pain you talk about baring you put on yourself. Her promiscuous past should be left in the past where it belongs. Why are you bringing that up??? You need to get over your problem of jealousy. So you don't like being around her family...did you think they would just go away after you married her? They will be the Grandparents of your children!!! You have problems, I would seek counseling ASAP.

Answer 6

Yep. you just do it. Forgiveness is TOTALLY under YOUR control. Forgiveness is something YOU GIVE. It MUST be given UNEARNED for it to be effective. that is why it is called "forGIVEness" and not "forEARNEDness". The ONLY reason you can't forgive is because YOU have a bad attitude, a "heard heart". YOU think that something is owed to you, aomething MORE than an apology. Your own personal selfishness is more important than your marriage. YOU are forcing your wife to EARN your forgiveness. And THAT is impossible. No matter WHAT she does, it will NEVER be enough to satisfy you. So the solution is that YOU have the change YOUR heart. Understand this: She had explained this to you, she was under the influence of alcohol, she has apologixed to you, AND she is showing all the signs of being really and truly sorry for her actions. THE PROBLEM NOW LIES IN YOU, NOT IN HER. You will have to FORCE yourself to let it go. You need to TELL her that she is forgiven. She is your partner in Life, so you need to TELL HER that you are forgiving her, "no string attached", no ifs, and, or buts. SHE is now your "Accountability Partner". In telling her this, you GIVE her the right to make the judgement when YOU are acting in an unforgiving manner. you TOLD her she was forgiven, now YOU need to act like it. if you simply canNOT turn this loose, then you need to seek professional counseling. Due to the nature of the subject (NOT her affair but YOUR bad attitude) I suggest religious counseling. the religous counselors have MUCH more training and experience with forgiveness than the secular world. When it comes to that, YOU need to remember: God has ALREADY forgiven you for ALL of your sins. That act was completed when Christ died upon the cross. Therefore, if you want to live a Godly life, then you MUST do the same, and provide complete and unconditional forgiveness, EVEN if the sin against you was so heinous as to be unmentionable. Don't let your marriage crumble just for you to meet your own selfish needs. TELL her she is forgiven, adopt a forgiving attitude, and live like you mean it.

Answer 7

First of all, you are much better than you think you are. Take a good look at yourself dude. She wants you; and it doesn't matter what all the other guys wants. Sounds like your self esteem is down a bit. Be proud of who you are and where you came from. Besides that, you will soon learn that those snooty people (in-laws) are not what they are cracked up to be. They probably envy you.

Answer 8

You knew how things were when you married her. You have to learn to either accept these things or to leave. You need to find out how you really feel for her and try to save this marriage. I think that marriage counseling would be a big help.

Answer 9

Want a little cheese with that wine??? Geez! You didn't marry her family and were YOU the pure one when you married? You married her, you say you love her, so work it out!! Stop whining and complaining and doing the "poor me" thing. This is your wife, if you want to keep her, work on it.

Answer 10

Okay let me start by saying I HATE my husband to be's friends, they are dirt bags and he asked the biggest scum bag of them all to be in our wedding (not going to happen). Anyway my point - ignore them, don't go to any of her friends parties with her just to avoid the drama and BS you don't want/need to deal with.

On to the family, this guys family is so f**** annoying and overbearing, I can't stand them, they are ridiculous! I think everyone hates thier in-laws. You can't get out of all thier family functions but you can make up a big fat excuse list of how to get out of things, again, they sound like ignorant trash, just tune them out and if at all possible drink, drink, drink.

On to the not so nice past. I found out from the scum bag that my fiance asked to be in the wedding that my fiance and this **** head tag teamed this whore when they went skiing together. He's also ****** a stipper and had an affair with a married woman who happens to be married to my best friends brother (hello Springer anyone!) Now this was before I was with him but I almost left him over it and do I trust him now? not so much as I did. I completly understand you not being able to get over someones past, especially if she was slutty you can get an STD (HPV) like I did from my fiance. Wow saying all this stuff really makes me not want to get married to him. Regardless, that's my problem. If you truley love your wife you should stick with her. Everyone had BS in thier relationships that they hate and can't get over. Try to picture what your life would be like without her in it, does it make you sick to your stomach? try a pro/con list, I know it sounds stupid but it helps. I completly understand where you are coming from as I'm pretty much there myself, it's a problem within yourself that you would probably encounter any time you fall in love with someone so leaving her proabably wouldn't even solve your problem. Try counesling, it didn't work for me but for you it might. Try reasoning with yourself and looking at things from other perspectives and if all else fails and you really feel like you can't deal with it, then leave. I feel for you, I honestly do and I wish you the best of luck.