I have been in a relationship with a guy for about 1 year now. He started becoming friends with someone I don't like. I talked to him about it and he told me that he would stop talking to her. He hasn't and he continues to lie to me about it. He says that nothing is going on but he didn't tell me because I have insecurity issues and everytime he talks to another girl I always asks him if he wants to be with them. Is this a valid point he is making? He told me when we were arguing that I felt I could tell him what to do because now I have more money than he does. Also, am I being unreasonable to ask him to stop talking to this person? Do you think we can get past this and continue a relationship.
2006-11-27 03:16:06 · 8 answers · asked by honeyluv_2010 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is a sticky one.
First, let's look at him. The fact that he lied is very troubling, but I can see why he thought it was a good idea. While he was disrespecting your wishes, he was also trying to stick with his friend while sticking with you. No, it's not a smart move, and his point about your insecurity is invalid (lying is just not ok because relationships are about trust), but it sucks for a person to have to choose between a significant other and a friend. I think you guys can work through this however.
Why do you dislike this female friend of his? Do you suspect that he's cheating on you? Is she flirtatious or touchy-feely with him? Is she just an unlikeable person to you? Or are you merely jealous and insecure?
Let's go with the last question for a bit. You've admitted that you are insecure. Plenty of girls are like that, sadly; I think it's mostly from social conditioning (but that's a whole other Answer!). You said that every time he talks to another girl, you ask him if he wants to be with them. It's exasperating for a guy to hear that. He's going to start feeling as if there's nothing he can do to convince you that he wants only you. It's also exhausting for you because you will needlessly worry about losing him. This will put a strain on the relationship, maybe even cause it to break.
To me, this is the more troubling problem. It's difficult, even impossible, to change others, so we have to change ourselves. Look into getting help for your insecurity; this will make you an overall healthier person, and spread into your relationship with this guy. A quick Google search for "overcoming insecurity" yields some nice articles:
http://www.coping.org/growth/security.htm
http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/writings-insecurity.htm
You may want to seek professional counseling as well. You'll feel a lot better overall if you can let go of the worrying over losing people, and start placing some trust in others. It will be a great relief (trust me on that).
Now, let's go back to the female friend. They're probably "just friends," but if they way they interact suggests more, then you have a right to be a bit suspicious. Example: if they are too familiar and flirty with each other.
This is getting a bit long, so I'll just sum it up. You both need to work on yourselves and with each other to make this work. You should focus on overcoming your insecurity and learning to trust others. You should also respect his friendships, even if he's friends with someone you cannot tolerate. Likewise, he should be supportive of your self-improvement efforts, and stop lying to you so you *can* learn to trust him! It's very hard to trust someone when you catch them in a lie. He should also respect that you dislike his friend, and do things like not forcing you to be around her, not talking about something funny that she said or did, etc. If he won't work with you, then I doubt the relationship is worthwhile.
Last of all, it's very important to remain calm and even-tempered. If you start crying or becoming too angry, he may reach for anything -- even a lie -- to make you stop and calm down.
2006-11-27 05:52:42 · answer #1 · answered by oklahoma_wildflower 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
We all have issues dear, the question should be " are you going to let your issues destroy a good stable relationship?" The fact that he is concerned with how much money each of you has coupled with what you have written tells me that there are also some maturity issues. YOu could continue the relationship but you are both going too have to grow up and decide if that is whats best.
2006-11-27 13:09:09 · answer #2 · answered by snoop_dougie_doug04 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Out of respect for you, he should stop talking to this girl. Guys can have girl friends without expecting anything more, so don't get on a guy for that. But him lying to you is never ok and if he continues to do so, then (honestly) the relationship is doomed.
2006-11-27 12:25:12 · answer #3 · answered by digitalsoul68 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do you believe that you have to like all of his friends? You sound very insecure. If you feel the need to ask him not to speak to a person, there must be trust issues. In that case, it's hard to see how your relationship has any future.
2006-11-27 11:23:49 · answer #4 · answered by Steven S 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Okay! Out of respect for you he should stop talking to the girl you do not like. However you should not expect not to talk to any other females. And you insecurities can drive him from you. If you do not trust him, then you should not be with him.
Do you talk to other men other than your b/f? If so, how would like it if he told you not to talk to them, or he if said you want them don't you!, every time he saw you speak to one or if you told him you were talking to Joe Schmoe.
2006-11-27 11:26:38 · answer #5 · answered by hummingbird 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to move on down the road. You are not married are you? Relationships are good for getting something short term-looks like you got yours. You are being used.
2006-11-27 11:20:49 · answer #6 · answered by Desperado 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think out of respect for you, that he should stop talking to her.
2006-11-27 11:17:41 · answer #7 · answered by chrissyinauburn 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
He is a liar. be careful
2006-11-27 11:44:59 · answer #8 · answered by Evita 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋