I avoid conflict because I do not want to hurt people's feelings. Is this normal?

Question

Even if I was completely justified I always feel bad after defending myself. I have never been scared of people but I will usually let them get away with disrespect so I can avoid hurting their feelings. But I wasn't always like this. When I was younger I was, and I am not exaggerating here, the toughest kid in school. No one could beat me in a one on one fight. I was not a bully, as a matter of fact I hung out with the rejects to protect them from the predators. But something happened. I don't know if it was my mom continually trying to castrate me or what but I turned completely passive. The thing is, I don't know if I really feel bad for what I do or if I avoid conflict because I hate the voice in my head that keeps telling me I feel bad. Can anyone help me figure out what is going on?

Example. This guy hit my sister; I beat the hell out of him. Then I went home and felt bad about it. It had to be done but the voice in my head kept telling me I could have just talked to him. The voice in my head kept trying to make me feel bad. I do not think this voice is my conscience, I think it is an imposter that was planted.

The real issue is this. I will stand up for myself most of the time. It is just the feeling bad part I keep having to deal with. It gets to be where I don't want to confront someone not so much for their feelings but so I won't feel bad.

Answer 1

I'm like that too...congrats you've found another person like you! Matter of fact I know 3 people like that including myself so there is nothing wrong with you...I'm sure that there are plenty people like us...We are just other people's protector aka gardian angels...

Answer 2

Avoiding conflict is always a good idea, but there comes a point when you need to stop being a doormat and tell people to back the ****-off. When you get tired of being treated like crap, you'll find it rather easy to speak your mind and soon enough that little voice in your head will stop. Learn to stop worrying about everyone else's feelings and start caring for your own. All you need is some practice. Look in the mirror and picture someone who said something that hurt you and say out loud what you really wished you would of said, even if that person was your mother. Keeping things bottled up inside of you will just build up until you least expect it and then you'll explode and who knows how scary you will be then. Speak up, let those feelings out. Don't worry if you hurt their feelings, they didn't think twice about hurting yours. Good Luck =)

Answer 3

If you can find a soft way of saying things, and still express yourself clearly, then you do well, and the guilt will have accomplished something for you. I doubt, though, that the voice in your head will then be satisfied and stop trying to make you feel guilty, because making you feel guilty is probably its real and only intent. When you have done as well as you reasonably can, then the voice is simply incorrect, and should not be respected by feeling guilty. Tell the voice why it is wrong to harp about things past and that it contributes nothing worth while.

Answer 4

I am pleasantly surprised to find lots of folk admitting that they are like this too. I'm one of you too.

There should be a limit for this behavior, too, however. The limit is when you start to give up a part of yourself, when you compromise too much. One simple instance is in consumer matters, when you think that you're not getting the service you deserve or the product is not what was advertised. You can deal with customer service in a courteous manner, but you have a right to your indignation if they're not helping you.

Overall, conflict avoidance isn't all bad. "Choose your battles," as they say. In another analogy, fighter pilots are given rules of engagement: don't fire unless fired upon, don't fire in this or that zone. When the stakes are not worth it, or when the gains are not worthy, you should choose to "disengage". You preserve your honor, you preserve the peace, and when you choose your battles and maintain your principles, you have given up nothing. You may even feel that you have gained your own peace: you don't get that "worked up" feeling when your adrenaline is up.

As for your sudden change, I don't really know. Maybe you're maturing. Maybe you're tired of that "worked up" feeling. Don't feel bad. You may in fact be "the better man".

Answer 5

You pretty much described what used to be my situation. Being non-confrontation is never a bad thing, but I just got sick of holding my tounge when others weren't doing the same for me. I'm still a nice guy, but nowadays if someone starts giving me a hard time, I turn into the most sarcastic and cynical bastard you'll ever meet.

You are just a product of your environment. You can either embrace it or change, but changing takes a long time and you won't realize you have changed until it already has happened.

Answer 6

That means that you become smother then you were. in fact I've always been a girl that avoids conflicts...I still am...and that is making me feel so bad...cuz I don't stand about my self and my beliefs. But in the other hand people are seeing me as a very nice person. Now , I don't know if this is good or bad I really don't.

Answer 7

The toughest kid in school eh?

It sounds like in your younger life you experienced your fair share of conflict. This has ultimately resulted in a 'conflict avoidance' strategy being developed. The voice you hear is merely the part of your mind which wishes to avoid any more conflict. - There is nothing to fear from it, indeed it is worth listening to!

Try not to be so tough on yourself, you sound like a decent guy!

Answer 8

I am exactly like this, but i have ALWAYS been like this. I take the blame a lot at work, just cause i don't want to go up to someone and tell them that THEY are wrong. Since i don't stick up for myself, in fear of a conflict, people at work noticed, and started looking out for me. Kind of like how you were looking out for the 'reject' kids in school i guess. But they talked to the bully's at my work, and things are better now. I'm sorry, i can't help you, i just know that i am this way too. But things still work out okay.

Answer 9

We need spiritual people that dont react to violence. Although there are some limits in tolerance too, in some times the person could feel like the victim (but the real victim is the one who harms other´s because he or she is his or her own victim with that agression).

I think dialogue is important, but in some cases there are individuals who dont know how to listen and how to respect other´s, doesnt matter how hard we try they wont listen and wont change, i think your "passive" behaviour is very smart and very wise, why waste energies on fights and arguments that lead to more violence.

But I think you need to express yourself in another way, that energy is inside you to have better things done, the guilt feeling may be due to the reason you are reactive and thats not who you really are, maybe because someone else tried to make you that way more reactive.

There are individuals in this world that lack peace they dont have it and they need it and they want it, thats why they want to take away your peace to feel your own experience, share with them respect and peace but learn how to take distance using words not becoming like them.

Answer 10

I've the same problem! It's about measuring the situation properly. I always imagine 'what if they were saying it to my own son,, would allowing them to say it to a child i was responsible for make me a responsible parent?'. Remember you hold that responsibility to yourself as well! Learn your communication skill by surfing on line at good websites to developer better and politer ways to address someone in hurting in friendly way(no offense and so forth).