Why do some people need to have their family "parents" around, and others are fine with out them ?

Question

My husbands need to keep trying to reconcile with his parents and needing their approval is ruining our marriage.

Yet, I do not seem to need this from my parents. Is it because I have had it from time to time (approval or pat on the back) ? I feel it is because I am my own person and if they approve of my lifestyyle or not, this is who I am. Take me or leave me.

Could this be because I had a more positive environment growing up or is this just my personality. trying to gain some insight into this...

Thanks.....

Answer 1

sounds as if he has never heard them say he did a good job or did something right from them. Maybe they were critical of you and told him you would steal him away from them. they are definitely playing some mental game with him whether purposefully or not.

my parents were crap. I basically raised myself and so I never got homesick when I was a kid or when i joined the military. I talk to them about once a week because they call but that's about it. Mom usually asks for my advice and I rarely ask for theirs but never their approval.

Answer 2

Having parents around is more often a compulsion of circumstances rather than choice. The age of nuclear families has not as yet, thank god, not dawn as yet. In the West on account of atomic families and the growing proportion of senior population outdoing the young ones the prblem of senior citizens has become very acute. As the young members move out immediaely after marriage the old parents left behind have to fend for themselves. This is not always possible on acount advanced age and the myriad complaints it brings on.Cases are known where the old parents living along had died and nobody knew about it until the decomposed bodies gave out malodour.This is not an ideal circumstances and there are some young men who would want to make amends. They prefer to live with the parents even after marriage.The presence of senior persons in the house ensurs good company for the children than the Creches.And when two generations ar together there are bound tobe frictions.The incoming wife has to understand t his social background and try to adjust to it.The old people nowadays are wise enough to ensure that they did not step out far away and upset the rules and regulations The youngsters must realised that some day they would also be sailing in the same boat and should not,therefore, disturb its balance.

Answer 3

Having a family around and needing a parent(s) approval are two different things.

1) Having family and parents/grandparents is great, the best. Family IS everything (not that you want them around 24/7 either)

2) Your marriage is YOUR marriage and it is what you and your husband make of it. We cannot properly answer your question since you do not state much about the whole situation or your personality but whatever the problem is, you MAKE SURE to communicate ANY likes or dislikes (in a positive manner) to your husband.

3) If you think you need to speak to a counselor, priest, and/or psychologist, please do so - there is NOT shame in that. They can help you deal with issues from your past and/or your marriage.

ALWAYS keep the communication open with your husband

Answer 4

I truly believe it's mostly personality. I think it's the difference between independence and immaturity...sometimes it's just the difference between a guilt-ridden upbringing and a healthy, independence-nurturing upbringing. But I mostly think it's personality. I used to be with a man who would not make a single life choice, buying a car, moving in with a girlfriend, even getting married, without his mother's suggestion or approval. It ruined our relationship.

I, on the other hand, like to have family around as much as the next (normal) person, however I don't need them to help me make decisions or to keep me feeling satisfied with my decisions. I kind of used to need them to approve of everything, but it was mostly out of guilt, of doing things "wrong," or whatever. A year of not speaking to any of them solved that problem really quick, though. I think part of it is the parents or family not feeling like the "kid" is adult enough to make their own decisions, and that can be for many different reasons....could be they show they are not adult, or just pure coddling. However, the "child" you are married to is most likely feeding that coddling from his family, because he's still a....well....a child. Not independent. Some people just aren't. I personally cannot stand that...which is why I am now with someone who thinks of his family in the same way as I do of mine: people to visit every once in a while.

Answer 5

I totally understand where you are coming from..I myself DO not need my parents approval, I left my parents house at 18 and I am now 29..so I have learned to live on my own...make my own decisons both good and bad..and I am very independent...some people just never learn to let go their parents..maybe they have always been there for him..so he feels that he needs to involve them in every aspect of your relationship..I really dont know what to make of it..or why men are that way..My guy is the same way.. hes 30yrs old lives at home and refuses to move out any time soon..so I feel your pain..talk to him about it..ask him why he needs his parents approval soo much..when he got you there to guide and help through what ever he needs because as he may know this here is a partnership

Answer 6

I have the same problem with my gf. She went to Spain to for a great job, but 10 days after that she came back, cause she couldnt live without her family.
She has a new job now, and we both work hard in the week so we can hardly see each other, except for friday nights, sat and sun.
She gets home very tired but her family is always asking her for more: go buy this, take your sister to her friends house....
I dont know, seems like an Oedipus's Complex, but pointed to her whole family, like a Cinderella's Complex. She just cant say no to her family.
I think that what lies below is fear... she had a very protective enviroment, so she only feels safe with his family. I m not sure if thats your husband's case

Im not a psychologist, but from what ive found, sound like Antigone's Complex seems more like it.

Answer 7

You are right. We all need to feel worthwhile and the most important approval we can get is when it comes from those we love. Child - parental attachment is very powerful and when it is disfunctional causes supreme insecurity. Try to be understanding and supportive, this need of his may never subside, but you could possibly lessen it but showing your approval and contentment with his attempts, whatever they are. The wounds he has run deeper than even he is currently aware. The more you draw away from him the worse the scars become

Answer 8

I have the same problem, lol. I'm completely independent from my mother yet have a wonderful relationship with her. My fiance on the other hand, does let his parents influence him alot but not completely. Its not to the point where I can't handle it but yet it can be annoying.

I feel in my situation that its because I'm more independent and outgoing and he's more shy and dependent. So it may be just as simple as it being a personality difference. Maybe talk to him and tell him how you feel if you haven't already. Or if you have a good relationship with the in-laws maybe talk to them and let them know how you feel.

Answer 9

I know exactly where your coming from! You were brought up more independant than he. There was probably also an issue, that no matter what he does, it's never good enough for them, so he's endlessly trying to get any kind of encouraging word from them. He's not going to get it. You need to tell him how it's affecting you and your marriage. That is a really crappy situation, because he is going to be selfish toward his need from his parents. I wish you all the luck in the world hun.

Answer 10

What do you think? Do you think the fact that you had a better childhood and received approval from your parents from time to time may have made for a healthier relationship between you and them?

You already know the answer.