I have been seeing someone casually for 8 or 9 years - I am female, he is male - we are both attached - he lives with his girlfriend, I have had an on-off relationship with my partner, largely marred by mental health issues on his part. In the past I was so unhappy that he wasn't doing anything about it (being high can wreck lives) that I felt strangely justified in seeking a little pleasure for myself. However, he has finally sought help, and I have not played around since then. Unfortunately he found out about it this weekend - I was very sorry, but I don't want to give him up - the physical side is so good. They are both one half of what I want in a man. What should I do?
2006-11-27 02:19:47 · 40 answers · asked by Miss Behavin 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I've been where you're at, and it really tears you apart. Your OM has a g/f, you are married or committed to someone else, right? I can't tell you what to do but can tell you what I did when in your shoes. It wasn't easy, but I told the OM that I had to focus on my marriage and I stopped all contact with him. It hurt him, but I was hurting him when I stayed with my husband, and I hurt my husband by continuing the affair. It was a no-win situation so I chose the best route for everyone concerned.Do I think about him? Of course. Do I miss him? Of course...but my marriage is my top priority. Try to remember what it was that caused you to love your SO in the first place and build from there. I agree, the sex was the best I've ever had but I love my husband and couldn't continue to hurt him.
2006-11-27 02:34:38 · answer #1 · answered by Joyce H 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Leave them both alone and find everything you want in just one guy.
Look at it like this. You are not completely happy in either one of the relationships you are in. Like you say, both of the guys together create the right relationship for you. Now unless all parties (both guys) and 3rd parties (the guys girlfriend who he lives with) are all hunky dorey with the arrangement you have at the moment in a 3 way relationship, then I would say game over, its not worth it.
I can understand you wanting a little pleasure for yourself, as you put it, and I don't blame you but now it is out in the open that you had an affair, you can't make it go away. You haven't said how your partner has reacted and what he wants. Ultimately I think it is his decision if he wants to keep you, seeing as you are the one that is in the wrong.
Your partner obviously has some stuff to work through and you either need to be there to help him through it or back off and let him do it on his own. Its not fair on him if you are dithering about somewhere in the middle.
You said that you have not played around since your partner agreed to get help for his mental health issues. So does this mean that the affair is over?
I think that you would be better off finding a guy that does it all in every area for you. I know it will be hard to let both go, but you only get one shot at this life, might as well be happy eh?!
2006-11-27 02:22:12 · answer #2 · answered by Liggy Lee 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Oh dear, Well you cant have the one who lives with his girlfriend as I dont think he will leave her.From what you say you havent discussed leaving your partner for him he hasnt for you. You, sadly are not going to be able to have your cake and eat it for the next 9 years. I don't think it would be fair on your partner not with his unstable condition. Yeah I supose you needed a little comfort while he wasnt helping himself but now he is. Seems you felt bound by some kind of duty to him. I now think it might be time to do the right thing by you. I agree with what has been said on here maybe you should go it alone. Take some time out from them both. I still dont think he will leave his girlfriend for you. I know the thought of starting a new life can seem scary but you should just do it. You havent said if your partner wants to continue with your relationship. If this is the case and you think that you can forget about the other man then try. Good luck.
2006-11-27 03:16:25 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First you should have stayed by your old man's side through this and helped him out instead of getting someone else.... You should tell the one guy you has an affair with to leave you alone and stay with the other that is if he still wants you after all this.... Try telling him the reason was because you did all the things you have done and I thought you were never going to change (even though you should have left him if you were so unhappy instead of leading him on.) Just fess up tell him all about it and hope he forgives you.
2006-11-27 02:27:05 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you were really 100% in love and lust for you partner you wouldnt have strayed, no matter what. So i think that you are only staying with him out of loyalty..but unfortunately the trust has now been broken, even if you do stay together he will never be able to trust you again.
What about the other guy? is he prepared to give everything up for you? if so then great.....if not then give them both up and start again, Be true to youreslf hunni xx
2006-11-27 02:40:53 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just grow up! Leave both of them, you have a past that will make you unhappy all your life if decide to stay with either one of them. Start fresh and have a new beginning,get some one else. Just don't expect to get some one who would be perfect. You need to learn to accept who ever you want to spend the rest of your life with . Don't make the mistake again by having an affair, it is dangerous for your health
and for your emotional well being.
2006-11-27 02:30:47 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Man where do I start, I understand way you did this ( boy do I ever) you where trying to deal with the pain that he caused you when he got high. For me it was my way of getting back at him for putting drugs before me. Like the drugs where more important then you. ANd know that the drugs are gone it is like the need for the other person is not needed as much and guilt is kicking in if you do see him. I know that talking to him about this know after he found out is going to be hard. You do need to choose and it will take alot of time and hard work if you want to save this relationship. He may come around but this is your last chance stick with him if he wants too or leave!!! I know way you did this I understand fully but at this point unforantly it comes down to his choice. If this is what you want too!!
2006-11-27 02:40:18 · answer #7 · answered by ldbevers21 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to get real, and stop playing around life is way to short, how would you like to be on the receiving end of someone cheating on you. You say your long time partner has mental health issues, my guess is you mucking around and not committing to the relationship hasn't helped, either use it or lose it, make up your mind are you in or out. You will never have a real relationship whilst you are hedging your bets.
2006-11-27 03:02:15 · answer #8 · answered by bty912324 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
well perhaps when you realised to yourself that you couldn't deal with his mental problems (which obviously you cant or you would have kept yourself in check) you should have got out then. You are doing no good to anyone playing around and if you have some sort of conscience you will end your affair forever. Someone with mental health problems don't need someone causing more stress to them!
And don't blame his problems on you having an affair, he can't help it but you can!!!
2006-11-27 06:33:24 · answer #9 · answered by ? 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'd leave them both and move on. If you had found your perfect man and were truly in love, you wouldn't be seeking extras from elsewhere. You would have everything you needed from your partner. You shouldn't be getting everything you need from tow men because neither of them can satisfy you 100%. Get rid of them both and change your life for the positive.
2006-11-27 02:30:35 · answer #10 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋