if a mans wife cant/make time for him should he stay married and just devout all his time to his daughter?

Question

and make her as happy as he can ... i love my little girl more then life itself.. i can stay married so our girl has two parents , but just let my wife go her way and will , just spend my time loving my gift from god ..my little girl

Answer 1

I know this is lengthy, but there's nothing about your situation that can be summed up with any meaning in a few sentences. You have a very important and equally hard decision ahead of you, and (as you know) it's not one to be taken lightly...and hopefully some of what I say here will help soften the blow, or at least give you an idea of what you might have to look forward to. I have to say, as a parent, this might be the single worst situation to be in, and it makes you feel almost forced to make a decision that you DO NOT want to make for the sake of you & your daughter. I have been in your shoes, and know exactly what you're feeling. Inside, you know you need to do something because you can't just ignore this, yet you can't quite imagine an upside to it regardless of what you do. The biggest problem is, you don't see a great outcome with either decision, and with your thought process being clouded by the love for your daughter and the resentment for your wife, you feel like you're in a power struggle "tug-of-war" between her (your wife) pushing you away, and the love for your daughter reeling you back in. This can, and will take a serious toll on you...if it already hasn't. Right now, it's just not clear as to what is the best thing to do because this is major turning point in you & your daughter's life, and you know whatever decision you make will effect the both of you for the rest of your lives. You want so badly for everything just to work itself out and not have to deal with this because all you really want is to bring your daughter up in a loving home with BOTH parents...because unfortunately these days, that's become too much of a rarety.

With divorce and raising children from seperate households being so commonplace now, it's easy to see what that does to a child, and the parents...especially if your parents were divorced as well. My parents divorced when I was 5 years old, and it has had a LOT of affects on my life, and now I'm having to watch my son go through the same things I did at the same age and there's nothing I can do about it. The only hope I have in this situation is that, because I too went through it (and at the same age he did) I can now recognize the warning signs in his behavior and have an insight on how to help him cope and deal with what he's feeling. He doesn't know what he's feeling, or even how to explain it and/or deal with it, but having been there myself, I can see him reacting to things the same way I did and can now offer him something I never had...and that's a loving heart who can give him the love & support to help him overcome the issues divorce brings on a child.

I can say from my own experience that, first & foremost my emphasis was on to do what was best for my son, and at the time, I thought it was best to stay there & love him because I felt that at least if I did that, I could be with him everyday and not have to try and love him and raise him from afar in another house on an "every other weekend" basis and HOPE that I made a difference in his life. To me, that felt like the worst thing I could do to him, and I felt like he would think that I left him and may never be able to see it any other way...especially if his mother were to put any thoughts in his head. I drove myself crazy playing out all the different scenarios in my head of what could happen, and no matter what, every decision seemed to have a negative ending.

Obviously, as a parent your first instinct is to stay, work it out, do whatever it takes for your kids sake...and it's easy to get caught up in that and think that it's the best thing to do. However, I soon realized that staying might actually be the worse thing I could do...as hard as that was for me to believe at the time. I thought, if I stay (whether me & her worked it out or not), at least I'm giving him the best of a bad situation...and I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness to be with him, because to me, HE was what really made me happy. It occurred to me that I wasn't really giving him the best thing by doing that, and that my judgement was clouded by my own selfishness to not have to give up my son. It took many days & nights of worrying, wondering, & tears to come to the conclusion of what decision I ultimately had to make, but I had to focus on the long road ahead and not just today.

I finally made the decision to leave, and I think I ultimately made the best decision for all of us. Me & his mother had grown so far apart that for the first two years of his life, we barely spoke and I took up permanent residence on the couch...and needless to say at that point, the only thing we shared were the bills and the love for our son. Our situation grew from a marriage of two people who (thought they) loved each other, to two people who were more like roommates with seperate lives that just happen to share a common bond. Due to the fact that there was no love left between us, we would argue about absolutely nothing at any given moment...and neither of us cared how much we hurt the other one with our words, but we both agreed how much it would destroy our son's life...and I refused to raise my son in that type of atmosphere.

Therefore, I knew that if I wanted to ever give my son a life that would teach him the love of a family so that he could one day be able to do the same thing, I had to get out of that house, regroup & start all over again somewhere else. Financially & emotionally, that felt almost impossible to do...I couldn't really afford to live on my own, and I couldn't stand the thought of being away from my son, and certainly not the thought of another man trying to help raise him (if/when she remarried) because that was MY job and no one else was qualified. However, the long term effects of "if I stay" or "if I go" were ultimately better if I left...staying (for me) was a dead end with only one possible & obvious outcome. It wasn't easy, nor will it ever be...but it does get better eventually. It's a long, hard process that doesn't show it's reward in a matter of a few days, weeks, or even months and there will always be issues because of it...but in time, you will clearly see the difference, and that difference now is definitely better than the path we were spiraling down. At least if we were going to fight with each other, it wouldn't be in front of him, and it would be a LOT less often...which would (hopefully) eventually lead to a somewhat better relationship between me & his mother for his sake.

Granted, if there is any hope that you can work things out and give you, your wife, and your daughter a much better & happier life together as ONE family than the way things are now (i.e., if this is just a phase or rough patch), then I say STAY...work it out, do whatever it takes, make whatever sacrifices are necessary as long as everyone agrees that this is what they want and everyone's willing to put for the effort...and give your daughter something fewer & fewer kids today have, and that's a TRUE loving family atmosphere in one home under one roof with both parents, the value of that alone is priceless.

It's never easy knowing AND doing what's best for your children, and if you have to make long term decisions that will have a grand effect on them, it can drive you insane...especially because you usually only get one shot to get it right. So, it's without a doubt NOT something to be taken lightly, something that requires a lot of insight, research, willpower, strength, courage, clear & level-headed understanding, and LOTS & LOTS of prayer...and without those things, it's just a crap shoot and hope you get lucky. It was a chance I had to take, and given the certainty of the outcome he was faced with if I stayed...I really had no choice. I know now that I made the right choice, regardless of how much I miss him every single day. He has a mother that loves him very much and is able to provide him with a happy home with virtually every thing he could ever want & need, and as much as I would love to be there with him sharing all of those moments I'm missing, if this is what gives him a better a life, then this is the sacrifice I have to make.

I now can too offer him all of those things, along with an extended family that loves him very much, and at least if I couldn't give him one happy home with both parents under one roof, I can be happy knowing that I can at least help provide him with two...instead of one where love no longer existed. It was a long hard road getting to this point because I had to live it one day at a time...and I spent many of them torn, saddened, & depressed over the fact that I couldn't be with him every day. However, 3 years later he has a much better life, with a mother & father that love him very much and can show him a loving family atmosphere in both homes, even if we have to do it seperately.

We have now grown to be good friends (considering where we were), and we are able to communicate openly and often with no hostility, discuss things like parents should without constantly arguing, and we share all birthdays & Christmas's together so he can at least have the important days together with his family...because those are the times that he will remember the most, and I want his memories of us to be good ones. That was something that was VERY important to me, and at first she was resistant because she had no idea what divorce meant to a child (her parents weren't), but I forged on relentlessly and did what was necessary to make that happen...because I know what it means to him, and the difference it would eventually make (or would've made in my life if my parents could've done the same for me).

There's no reason the line has to be drawn in the sand for everything, and eventually I convinced her that we would always have to deal with each other in one way or another because of our son, and it was up to us to make the best of it. I told her that, if we couldn't make it work for him while we were together, the least we could do was to make it work for him as two seperate families...and if we couldn't even do that, the only message he would ever get from it would be that he wasn't good enough for us to put aside our differences for him on that day. That just wasn't an option for me, and I wanted to be able to give him what my parents couldn't give me.

Believe me, it's not a fairy tale ending or a Hollywood storyline, but given where we were once at, this is a million miles away and probably the best any child in this situation could hope to get. There are still times where we disagree, and times where we still get steaming mad at each other, but we eliminated the "just doing it to spite you" factor that can easily blind your better judgement, by divorcing & getting away from each other. I'm not saying that divorce is the best route to go, but if you've reached a dead end with each other and there is simply no turning back and the only person that's really going to suffer is the child, then by all means, get out before you do more irrepairable damage.

The sacrifice is HARD, but worth it in the long run, and it's made better lives for all of us. So now our only motivation to do what's right is only focused on our son, and that helps (if not somewhat forces) us to get along & be friends because we have no longer have any reason or anything to gain by fighting or hating each other, and our son is the only one that loses out when we do...which immediately brings us back to reality that what we were mad about, just isn't worth it. I hope this somewhat helps you out, or at least gives a little insight what you have to look forward to...there's nothing worse than heading into a bad situation with no clue as to what's ahead.

I'm not an expert by any means, and my situation might be totally different and not work for you. However, whatever you do, just make sure you always have the best interest of your daughter in mind when you finally make your decision...even if you feel like that decision will rip you apart. For me, it was better to sacrifice myself, than to throw my son to the wolves and hope for the best. Even now, he still wants his mommy & daddy back together and he would gladly give up every toy in both houses to make it happen, and it kills me that I can't give him that. However, the only thing I can do for now is love him back even more by giving him the understanding comfort of knowing what he's feeling that I never had, and just try and divert his attention away from that pain and back towards the loving side of his parents. There's no need in trying to explain it to him right now, it will be a long time before he can truly understand why we can't...but I will never speak a harsh word about his mother to him. He doesn't know her as my wife (or ex-wife), he only knows her as his mommy, and that's not where her downfall was...nor is it my place to display her in that light regardless.

You've probably heard people say this before, but he is honestly my best friend, and me & him do everything we can together as much as possible...even if that means just laying in the floor together and playing with cars for hours. That time together is priceless...for both of us. Not being with him everyday makes me appreciate our time together, and I will never lose sight of that...I just wished my dad had have felt that way. I'm not bitter at my dad, but I wished things could've been different. However, it's life lessons that help mold us into who we become, and the most valuable lesson I learned in life was to take with me what I need from a situation and leave the rest behind. So, I took with me the love I had as a child and put it together with everything that was missing from my childhood, and give that to my son every chance I get...and I leave any regrets, from then & now, in God's hands.

Answer 2

Seems like a troll, but whatever. Its a bit late to back off and have a normal father-daughter relationship. I would imagine if they get a divorce, they'll basically cut off all contact with each other. While I _strongly_ urge people NOT to enter incestuous relationships, this one is a done deal. If they are happy together, might as well stay married at this point. There's no way of undoing it now.

Answer 3

Well, you made an oath? or is it conditional with terms.

Every marriage has it highs and lows, show of patience. Why does everything have to revolve around you anyway, your wife has the same rights as you too.

Show some love & care of the situation overall, don't JUMP into anything and everything with conclusions.

Answer 4

HAVE YOU SAT WITH WIFE AND HAD AN HONEST TALK?? SHE DOES HAVE A REASON, TRY AND FIND OUT WHAT IT IS!! BY MAKING TIME FOR YOU , WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?? ARE YOU TALKING SEX, TIME TOGETHER AS A COUPLE, JUST TALKING TO YOU?? WHAT?????????????? HOW BOUT SOME COUPLES COUNSELING?? YOUR DAUGHTER WILL KNOW YOUR MARRIAGE IS A FARCE, AND SHE'LL GROW UP EXPECTING JUST THAT FROM A MAN AND A MARRIAGE!! CHILDREN DO WHAT THEY LEARN. IF YOU LOVE HER AS MUCH AS YOU SAY. FIX YOUR MARRIAGE OR GET OUT!!

Answer 5

You need to make sure you are happy too.