So we have been estranged from his family for years.......?

Question

After many years of emotionally abusive and dysfunctional family behavior, after a final explosion that involved father saying he would sue for visitation of grandchildren he did not even know and so on and so on, he walked away. Now, he is thinking he should go back (just because they are his parents) and he wants me to be supportive. I have done this over and over and just cannot do it again.

I know if I say "Just go without me and leave me out of it" he will, but eventually I will be dragged into it and I know that once again his parents will come between us.

My question is this....Should I fight for us, to be together with just us, or should I say go ahead and be with them even though I know it will be the end of our marriage ?

I am so torn up over this I dont know what to do. We tried counseling, but he does not like going, and now we cant afford it.

Please help...Thank you

to add to this, he is not happy with being away from them but he is also not happy when they are around. We have tried it both ways several times. Personally, I want the rollercoaster ride to be over and leave these people alone once and for all, but he keeps hoping that somehow it would work out with them and us.

I want desperately for us to stay together, and so does he, but this is the one thing we just cannot figure out how to fix.

Answer 1

keep on moving in your own direction, dysfunctional people do not change. we too are estranged from my husbands mother/father-stepmother. best choice we ever made.
your husband should realize that you are his family forever, and you come first.

Answer 2

I think you need to take the "hands off" approach. Having your "PERMISSION" to visit with his family is both demeaning and foolish. If the family has caused you problems in the past, or is not kind to you, you certainly have the right to say "No thank you", but you do not have the right to decide for him what he should do. I would lay down some ground rules. Since you want no part of them, you can tell him, you want to know nothing, hear nothing and so on of this dysfunctional family routine. A grandfather wanting to visit his grandchildren, well, I don't know, sounds like a lot more to this then you are letting on, there are always two sides to every STORY. And if he had, he would have gotten no where anyways if you were all that you claim. So no harm no foul, let it go. Hanging onto stuff is not only bad for you, but poisonous to your beloved hubby and yourself. For your sakes, give it up and let it go. As to the family, let him go, let him get a snoot full. But no talking to you about it, you are not interested. And stay that way, ask nothing of it, and if he says something say "let us not speak of the things we DECIDED not to speak about " and leave the room. Making him choose between his family and you is selfish and unrealistic. Grow up!

Answer 3

Well, here it is....

He chose you. He didn't pick his family and they will always be family good or bad. No one should ever have to choose between mate and family. That just makes the bad even worse. Allow him to have it all. you and them. Set boundaries and learn to say this." I don't want to hear It". Make sure he leaves his family drama at the door. It will be hard not discussing his parents with you but something has to give. You don't have to be supportive in this matter, you don't have to be a part of the matter, you just keep loving him and the rest doesn't even matter.

Answer 4

It is his family, let him do what he feels necessary... Just tell him that you don't want any part of it but be supportive.

Answer 5

forgiving does NOT mean reconciling.....stay true to yourself
I divorced myself from family years ago.....no regrets here same crap ...nothing will change except your envionment...if he wants to go back...nothing you can do...except remain silent