What do I do?

Question

My childrens' father who I have had a relationship on and off with for almost 7 years has a cocaine problem. I know he loves us and I know he doesnt want to ruin his life this way but he is weak obviously about it and continues to use it. We have has numerous deep conversations about this and what he needs to do to stop it. He has went into a drug detox program, and changed his phone number (in order to loose the people that he does it with). He keeps promising me he is not going to do it again and I have told him I will leave him if it continues. I dont want my kids to grow up and realize what he does and I also dont want to live my life wondering if he is okay when he doesnt come home for days at a time. I went through the drug thing with my own mother and know how it can ruin a person and thier family. I dont want to go through all of that over again because I am doing good in life and I want to keep it that way for my children.

At the same time I dont want to abandon him because I feel that will only make it worse and show I dont care. But I do care, I love him so much and this is hurting me so bad to see him do this to himself. What in the world should I do?

Answer 1

If you try to help him time & again yet he still reverts back to his cocain problem you should not feel as if you are abandoning him if you make the decision to get away. People w/ any type of addiction have to want to help themselves, & nothing anybody says to them to try & make them understand will work, because ultimately it is their decision. I understand that you love him, but at a certain point you have to walk away & get your kids away from that kind of situation, because like you said you've experienced it firsthand & know it's not healthy for a family. You have to ask yourself when is enough enough? Sometimes the best thing to do is distance yourself from someone like that, because it can only end up hurting you & your kids more. Even when you love someone sometimes you have to separate yourself from that person because they are intent on harming themselves & that in turn ends up harming you. Tough love is to leave him behind since you deserve better than that, & he will realize what he has lost because of his problem - he has to make the choice of what he chooses - drugs or family, & you can't blame yourself for the decision he chooses to make for himself.

Answer 2

Here are some advice according to my knowledge.

1.as far as I know cocaine is not addictive, it causes mental addiction only.

2. If you live in a area which people around you use and deal drugs, move out of that area asap and move somewhere where he can't have access to drugs easily.

3. don't let him drink, or drink with him ever, because it reduces resistant up to 80%.

4. if he is not working make him do something.

5. good family and social gathering around him makes him enjoy the fun environment and slowly forget about that substance.

6. be careful when he want to leave home and saying going to bar or seeing friend etc., do some sort of entertainment such as watching movies together so he wont feel depressed or lonely.

wish you best!

Answer 3

Maybe you do need to leave him. Possibly you and your children could be a reason for him to get serious and get clean and get you back. I know exactly where your coming from. My ex is an addict. I can't stand him but our kids still have to visit him every other weekend - I only allow them to go b/c he lives with his mom and she is there (& sober) when they visit. Cocaine is a very very hard drug to get away from. I used it myself heavy for a little over a year. I have been clean for almost 2 yrs now but bad as it is I still think about it occasionally.
He may never be able to give it up but if you love your kids you and them need to stay away from him until he does kick it! Like I said You leaving him could be the motivation he needs to clean himself up. Let him know you love him but as long as the drug is a part of his life then you can't be
Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way - children are so much smarter then some people think - They probably already know or have some idea!

Answer 4

7 years is a long time and on and off is to much to keep on hoping for some good to happen. By this time you must realize he is not going to let go of his habit, like you say he is weak. Is it really love that he have for you and his children? Maybe in a way, but not enough. You see this man is taking away your happiness and your children’s and that’s very unfair to them. If you want to give your children a good respectable life you will take them and go your own way and find somebody else in life that is also doing good in life and can help you raise your children. You see, children need a father that is the head of the household that teach them to be wise and to be strong, at this moment there is nothing from the father. It’s very bad for them. They see you cry they see you worrying about their father and they also going through a very bad time and a humans childhood is so important. If you let him go, your not helping yourself but your children to and I must say that I will rather help my own blood before I let someone that don't truly care hurt my babies and give them life long bad memories and tears. Let go of him, start building your family life. On this stage his no good to them and you, please be strong and think about the future. Keep doing good in life and stay ambitious... Good Luck.

Answer 5

Now keeping in mind that these answers are kind' of opinionated, i would suggest getting help. If you already tried a program that didn't work, try another, maybe it'll be different. You shouldn't give up on him, but at the same time you don't want to let him drag you and your children into his lifestyle. Help would deff be the Way to go..

Hope i could help..
Good luck.

Answer 6

The best thing you can do to help him get off the drugs is to be supportive. However, you are very naturally concerned for your children. It may be a harsh and hard thing to do but if you were to take yourself and the children elsewhere but remain as in cotact and supportive to him as possible it may be enough to wake him up.

The help here may not be what you need though. Give some serious thought to calling a drug hotline or help service. THey may be able to give you good, informed and confidential advice more suited to your personal circumstance.s

Answer 7

I recently went through a situation JUST like this one.. I found out my husband smoked crack... a lot of people didnt think I was a good wife cause I didn't know.. but truth is NO ONE knew...I stuck around and tried to do the "RIGHT" thing.. i beat myself up trying to think of ways to fix him and save him.. in the end things were bad and I do mean bad... things were happening to me and to my children and he destroyed my life.. I never thought my husband the love of my life my soul-mate could turn out to be this evil.. and it didn't happen over night either it was very slow.. and the hard part was I LOVE HIM... the man I woke up to and made love to THAT was my husband.. the man that came home after 4 days of doing GOD KNOWS WHAT.. that man I didn't love I hated him.... and in the end it felt the man I loved had died and this other man was taking over his life.. SO I looked him in the eyes... looked around the room and just decided.. putting myself through this was my choice.. but my children didn't ask for it... and they didn't deserve it.. so I left.. I moved from Savannah, GA to Cleveland, OH.. I close to family.. and I do still love him but he is not my obligation.. he is not my problem.. MY CHILDREN our my priority... they are innocent...
When they ask me why daddy did those things to us.. I just tell them the truth .. he is sick and he has a disease.. NO we can't catch it but if we let it it can hurt us too... I told them Daddy has to get better and I have to make sure they don't get hurt while he is doing that..my youngest ( daughter ) doesn't really understand too well cause she is young but she knows he loves her.. and that is the most important thing.. In conclusion you really have to evaluate the situation... at what cost to you and your children are you willing to pay to make sure he knows you love him.. sometimes TOUGH love is the best love of all.

Answer 8

He needs to get help. He needs to know that if he really cares about you or your children that he'll get help for his bad habit. Your children shouldn't be growing up in that kind of atmosphere either. Its not healthy. When he gets help and changes his life course, let him know that you are willing to work it out and be a family again. But most importantly think about your kids and their welfare. Just a suggestion!!

Answer 9

Have you ever heard of tough love? Well now's the time for it. You must totally remove yourself from this situation until he has gotten successful treatment and can prove it to you by your visits to him first short ones then longer and longer until he has proven himself. Then, and only then, will it be time to re-introduce your children to him.
That means, he has a secure job (at least 6 months), is getting on-going support so he does not fall off the wagon, and is making support contributions to the welfare of his children.It is his time to prove that he wants a clean and sober life.

Good luck.

Answer 10

The best thing for you to do is go to N.A. meetings with him to show your support. He has already made the first step with admitting he has a problem. I would suggest that you stay with him because he is trying to change and needs your help in doing so. Be honest with him. Let him know what he is doing is killing his family too, not just him.