She is becoming increasingly unhappy with her life and blames everyone else for not phoning / talking / being who she has decided they should be, but is dead against 'self improvement' type ideas.After all (as she says) everyone got through the War without needing any of this silly sort of stuff. Her views - not mine. Has anyone any kind ideas to gently enlighten her about the concept of cause and effect. She doesn't want to change so I would just like a way of dealing with her really. I am not being a doormat - after years of disliking her, I now feel sad that she is this way and would really like to help.
2006-11-26 22:23:16 · 18 answers · asked by youdancin 2 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
All I can say is I understand where your coming from. Take you own concept of cause and effect and appy it. Talk positively when your around her, do not agree but do not argue when she is negative. Be a good person yourself, bring her flowers, suprise her, take her out for lunch. It is up to you to show her that human beings can be loving happy people, then you will cause the change in her through your actions. It might be swallowing a bitter pill in the beginning but this is how you will change her attitude OK. Also understand as people get older and health fails they do often get bitter with their lot in life and i can understand that.
2006-11-26 22:32:38 · answer #1 · answered by james l 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she is in pain. Some older people have a lot of physical discomfort to deal with on a daily basis. She may also be grieving for the world, friends and family of her youth although she may not realise this. Maybe spending some time with her going through old photograph albums may help. It must be hard as you get older. You farewell so many people and those people are links to more vibrant days. Suddenly you look around and everything has changed. It must feel like the world has become unstable and strange. But she will have seen a lot of life and collected so much wisdom along the way. Maybe all she needs is someone to listen to her stories.
Here's a poem for you-
Reflections
Goodbye young woman
with your clear, glowing skin
and your natural grace
and your thick, flowing hair.
Goodbye to your eyes
heeding glances
quick appraisals
and smiles that say 'yes'.
Goodbye young mother
with your strong, loving arms
Goodbye to the stride
of your tireless legs
and the melting heart of your man
as you nurse your new baby.
Now welcome the crone
life for you not so urgent
no need to impress.
Answers don't matter
and questions are less.
Yours is the sifting
of gold from the silt.
Reflections and visions
lend wisdom to words
and yours is the world of the spirit
on the long pathway home.
2006-11-27 06:48:06 · answer #2 · answered by vzhnri 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds a bit like normal ageing and possibly dementia. Unfortunately, it is hard to teach and old dog (or mother!) new tricks!
You don't have a lot of choices left, either you sever all ties with her, which would be sad because she is your mother! Or you confront her and lay the facts there for her to see. Has she said anything about WHY she is feeling this way? Maybe she's simply lonely and feels like she is ignored???
However, I suggest that before you start that, you get a psychiatrist to sit down with her and assess if she does have dementia or some such age related disease. This may at least help explain why she is becoming this way and then you may be able to get some sort of medical help for her. A talk with a doctor should help provide a few answers and at least give you a starting point for helping her and yourself.
2006-11-27 06:54:27 · answer #3 · answered by naresha_ninya 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I too have an 82 year old mother and I too have the smae problem with her. She doesn't realise that if she says something derogatory about someone it has a good chance of getting back to them. She also has manged to upset a few people. These people have just not bothered to call in rather than upset her with confrontation given her age. I really don't think she can change her ways - she's been like this all her life. My answer was to remove myself to another area so that I wasn't faced with her out-pourings every day. Drastic I know, but I had to look after myself.
2006-11-27 06:29:51 · answer #4 · answered by diana - b 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Its a tough situation. I went through something similar with my mother. It sounds like, from what you say, that your mom has always been a bit prickly. This kind of behavior seems to get worse with age. You have to take into consideration that she may have the onset of senility which compounds these personality trends and makes it even worse. I wish I had an easy solution. There isnt one, I am afraid. Just remember, being kind isnt the same as being a doormat. It makes you a better person. You absolutely have my empathy.
2006-11-27 06:36:10 · answer #5 · answered by sngcanary 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
all i can say is you re a stronger person than me.my mother is the same if not worse she,s always right , criticising other people , making people miserable for no obvious reason .she doesnt have many friends for obvious reasons and doesnt seem to care. ive tried over the years to get on better with her but it seems i end up further away almost to the point i think she really doesnt like me(or anyone for that matter) good luck in what youre trying to do i gave up a long time ago as i was sick of getting hurt by her.
2006-11-27 09:09:14 · answer #6 · answered by smiler 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is a common affliction in the elderly that they begin to suffer from feelings of depression and dissatisfaction. It is never properly acknowledged by society, as we think it is merely age making them cranky, but actually the depression is often real, and is caused by the inability to accept the prospect of their own death. Mortality is a big issue at that age, and instead of the renewed vigour for life which younger people feel after a near death experience, older people can feel hopeless and trapped, asking themselves what they have achieved, and if they are unable to accept their lives, then they find it easier to blame others.
No one can ever make a relationship with your mother easier, and unless she accepts that her own mortality is what is making her unhappy there is little you can do. But understanding can help. We could all benefit from a mix of two things at the end of our lives, at least it is what I would hope for.
Firstly, honesty from those around us, in a healthy way it's best to say how you feel about her, both what you love and are grateful for, as well as what you find hard about her.
Secondly, I would hope for patience from those around me. It's not the time to grind axes, just to enjoy what you do enjoy, and will one day miss. Remember, death is perhaps hardest of all to deal with when it is your own you are contemplating.
2006-11-27 09:03:02 · answer #7 · answered by SaltWater 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly how you feel, but I'm afraid there's not really anything you can do. People of 82 are not going to change.
I think you will sadly just have to grit your teeth and get on with it.
And don't feel guilty about your feelings - you can't help what you feel.
Just try to do the best you can for her. I wish you all the best.
2006-11-27 07:01:47 · answer #8 · answered by mcfifi 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
At 82 she is well beyond reasoning with, because the body and brain starts de-generating itself from 65, so she is in her 2nd biological life now, acting like a teen...bear with it, after all a Mom is a Mom.
2006-11-27 06:33:44 · answer #9 · answered by Mantra 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sadly her life is coming to an end and at this age she will start to say things that you might not agree with. my gran passed away last year at the age of 83 and she would do the same, say things she didnt mean, but i guess when you get to that point in your life why hold back? grit your teeth and bare it for her, shes your mother and you owe her that, make the most of her while shes around, shes a long time gone. good luck xx
2006-11-27 06:28:31 · answer #10 · answered by louise 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋