As he hurt me years ago, and went on as if he did nothing wrong.I will bfeel guilty id I do nothing, and the longer I leave it the worse it will get.What do I do?I'm afraid that he may cause some friction in my already hectic life.
2006-11-26 22:21:22 · 11 answers · asked by nachomanhulk 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
just explain to him that your trust for him is minimal, you can only help him out if he promises not to hurt you again, explain to him how you felt back then and maybe you will both be able to move on and have a great relationship. good luck xx
2006-11-26 22:23:54 · answer #1 · answered by louise 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How about asking yourself this.....which are you more afraid of, your guilt, or him hurting you again?. If you are unsure that you can help him after what had happened, and are asking for advice, then it does seem to me that you have already made the choice. The memories of someone hurting you can last for years, as so can guilt...........but would you want to relive the hurt all over again?. Don't feel guilty for shielding yourself from friction that may be caused. As you said, you have a hectic life, so it may make things worse. Just let the person in question know that you are uncomfortable with the situation, and have now got your life sorted out, and wish to add no further complications. I am sure he will be sorted one way or another, but what matters is how you feel. Only you can make the decision hun.
Blessings
Solista
2006-11-27 06:29:43 · answer #2 · answered by Solista 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only you know what he did to hurt you so much years ago. You also don't say what help this person needs. Perhaps you cannot help with this family member's problem, as you don't say what the problem is, maybe there is an organisation that you could put this person in touch with, i.e. Relate if it is a relationship problem or AA it it is a drink problem. It is really difficult to help you solve this problem, but I think you know in your heart the answer. You just want confirmation from someone not connected. Think long and hard, but above all I don't think you need to feel guilty at all. Good luck.
2006-11-27 06:38:13 · answer #3 · answered by JillPinky 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have every right and reason to be careful and NOT to help him. People who hurt you and then pretend they didn't are not at all trustworthy and don't deserve your help or to have a relationship with you in the future. They really don't.
He may be family, but you have to have a primary sense of self-pride, security, and dignity. And, you have the right not to have those things disregarded, trivialized. ignored, or disrespected. It is your duty to take care of yourself--NOT take care of others at the expense of yourself, family or not.
I think it's entirely reasonable for you to be careful and skeptical and questioning. Don't let other family members guilt you into helping if you don't feel safe. If you do decide to get involved, set some ground rules:
1--HE MUST come to YOU and ask YOU for your help himself. Anybody else comes to you to ask FOR him? Otherwise, he's off the hook for respecting you now that the shoe on his foot is pinching HIM, so to speak. He must face you.
This is not about humiliating him or your gloating at his predicament. It's about his acknowledging you, your dignity, and your help appropriately. It's about showing that he has some minimal level of respect for you, despite how he treated you so badly in the past.
2--Well before speaking with him, be very, very clear in your mind about what you can and cannot do; what you are and are not willing to do; and how far you want to get involved in his problem(s). You have a right not to be sucked in or used, much less used up.
3--Stick to your limits of the help you are going to give and have no guilt about it.
4--Don't expect, or ask for, an apology from him. Users and mean people usually don't have the decency to give one even when it's so clearly deserved.
If he does apologize for his past behavior respond as you feel appropriate, but do not trust him any further than you can throw him.
If he wants your respect and trust, he's got to earn it and that cannot be done in a day, a week, a month, and sometimes not even a year if the mistreatment was severe and ongoing. You may decide to never, ever trust hiim again PERIOD. But be assured that that's all right and reasonable and you can't be blamed considering what he's done to you.
2--
2006-11-27 06:49:53 · answer #4 · answered by answerme 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no reason to be nicer to family than you would be to anyone else. Hold him to the same standards. Would you help someone else who had done the same thing? If he or someone accuses you about not being supportive, tell them why.
2006-11-27 06:23:42 · answer #5 · answered by Julian A 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
go with your gut feeling. if you feel your better off without this family member back in your life then dont let him back in. never sacrifice your happiness for someone else or cos someone else wont understand. put your self first. after all, its not like they cared when they hurt you.
2006-11-27 06:47:56 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
go with your heart... theres only you can decide... but if you know oyu truly don,t want to do it then don,t and if you don,t please don,t feel guilty you don,t say what this family member did to hurt you, but whatever it was it must be bad for you to be feeling like this, you are the one that matters think about you and no one else..good luck with whatever you decide to do
2006-11-27 13:38:10 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Help him but tell him the truth
If he hurts u again u will never help him again
2006-11-27 06:43:24 · answer #8 · answered by rachel d 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
dont bring yourself down to his level.help him if you can.then dont bother with him.act as if nothing has happend.it will show him you are not bitter always will give a hand to someone who is down.
2006-12-01 04:59:22 · answer #9 · answered by joe123 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
please you don't have to invite the devil into your life,if this person is not acceptable to you then that's his fault not yours and don't bend under pressure let him be his own headache.
2006-11-27 07:37:57 · answer #10 · answered by punkin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋