Help with marriage unhappiness?

Question

We have been together 8 yrs, have 2 kids, both work and are both stressed. We are at times ok and fairly happy and then suddendly it all seems to go "wrong" and I feel like I should leave and that this relationship is not "right". I feel he will not discuss issues that are causing us stress like money problems for example. I sat down and did a budget, suggested things we could do - he said he had had enough and did not want to do budgets anymore so we left it. Brought up the subject again so that we can look at getting a better rate loan and he told me to stop going on about money. This is an example - it is the same for other issue or he just simply tells me there isn't really a problem and that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill!! I feel stuck, low and lonely. Anyone else been in this situation? We hardly have sex and do not seem to have much fun - feel like we are on a treadmill.... But with kids and no money it is hard to have much fun right now! Help please

Answer 1

SEEK A THERAPIST !!!

Answer 2

First, the exhaustion. Try to make sure homework gets done before dinner. Establish a routine of dinner, bath, and bedtime for your little ones. This should allow for some down time in the evenings for the adults. Let your man have some solo time, to watch the game, play a game, whatever....go take a hot bath, do your nails, and entertain yourself for awhile, read, do needlepoint, whatever....

The treadmill is the day to day grind of Life. This is not anyones fault....just life is not a bed of roses. Take another look at that budget. Make a judgement call. What gets eliminated first? When you make that payment put a little more towards that expense. Forget the refinancing for now. Forget including him in these decisions, what he's telling you is he's maxxed. He can't see the forrest for the trees anymore.....Make a decision about Christmas....choose a finite dollar amount to be spent on each child and stick to it.

Look for your supports...will Mom take the kids overnite? Will Aunt Sue? See if over the next couple of weeks you can't create time without children. Not saying boot 'em out, just find time to reestablish that freindship that got you guys married.

Maybe right now isn't the time for wine and candles, maybe you both need to sleep in, hang out in your pj's , eat when the mood strikes, and go back to bed.

After the holidays, and maybe after a pay raise or a bonus you guys can look into the refinancing. 8 years is a great track record. I'd say, don't panic, get some rest, get past Christmas and New Years and don't expect his approval on financial decisions. As long as you are making right choices, do what you can. He'll participate more if he sees you're making head way. Count your blessings, dear....Have a great Holiday Season and get those babies in bed at a decent hour as much as possible......

Answer 3

I think what you should really do is sit down with your husband and talk to him tell him how you feel inside ask him what he feels about your marriage and the situation that you're in. Men have this thing that if they show that they have feelings thne they feel guilty and weak but you have to make him feel as though he isn't the one to carry around the weight of the family problems. Your husband sounds just like mine hard headed and think that as he is man of the house he is suppose to take care of everything himself. Let him know that you are his partner and that he could rest his head on your shoulder because being his partner and seeing him struggling is breaking you down and you can't stand to see him this way. Also let him know that it is breaking the bond that you once had between you two seeing that he doesn't confide in you or discuss anything. Remember this because I'm going to say it only once, a man is the head of the house but a head always needs a neck to turn and you are that neck that holds his head high. I also think because of you aren't talking that you are growing apart and soon you are going to wonder "who is this stranger that I married and I'm living with?" if it isn't that way already. Then if you aren't bonding in conversation or not even having a laugh a day then how in the world would you have great sex or for the matter sex often? It has to start from a bond and love even understanding. Sex between you two is not about the feeling any more those were the days when you were just doing it because everyone did it. Now you do it for love...
If you want him back I think that you should do the above and well as consider that there might be tings that you might not want to here. You guys can even start dating to have fun but try practicing kissing, smiling, talking and laughing. Laughing is good for the soul as well as prayer. Good Luck!

Answer 4

A marriage is like a Farris Wheel things go up and back down. If the finances are a major concern of yours I suggest you budget your personal finances from your personal income. If that's not an option then I suggest you take over the the entire financial picture. You pay the the bills, budget groceries, and give him an allowence. Ask him for 6 months of this and if in that time your financial picture doesn't improve then things will return as they were before without another word about it. I also, suggest you leave the children with a friend or relative one weekend a month for you and your husband to "rediscover" eachother. Every marriage I know of goes through exactly what you and your husband are. It passes with time. Things have a way of working themselves out. I think the reason your husband may not want to discuss the issues is because it makes him feel inadequite. Try stroking his ego for a week before you talk about serious issues. That always seems to work for me. Best of luck!

Answer 5

If you took away the money problem would any others exist? If the answer to that is "no", then sticjk at it love.

If you think things are bad now just think how bad it could be for your children when you add a broken home to your money problems, and you will undoubtedly worsen your money problems by spiltting up. Any money made by lawyers will come out of the resources you both have after 8 years, get together and fight together as a team.

The treadmill at the moment is a problem for a lot of us, we feel the same way but it is finite, and things do start to get easier eventually.

Stay with it honey. It will be worth it in the end. Get parents or friends to babysit for you and make some time together, even for something cheap like a nice walk.

Answer 6

I dont think you should "sit down and talk" cos your husband will just be thinking "oh here we go again".

You have both got yourselves into a rut and now stuck in a bit of a no win situation.

The best thing to do is to improve your mood and in turn this will improve your husbands. Honestly it will.

Start to do things that make you happy, like once the kids are in bed have a nice long soak in the bath. Forget the housework of an hour. Make a pact with yourself that you will give yourself 'x' amount of time per day or wekk for some you time. Get yourself a nice pair of jammies or something that will make you feel great. Dont worry about the no sex thing and dont think that your husband doesnt love you or find you attractive or anything like that, you need to just think about what will make you happy in just one small way.

Take each problem seperatly. Money - can you not just rethink this yourself. You seem to know what youre doing, so just go and do it. Tell your husband that you have redone them so as to give yourselves more money and a little less stress. Your hubby will prob appreciate that he doesnt have to do it.

Men are easy creatures when you think about it. I bet all he is doing is wanting to come home after a hard day, eat his tea and sit and watch some football or go on the internet or something. Men dont like us girls 'nagging' even though they bloody need to be nagged at all the time!!!

Please just think about how to build up yourself asteem and honestly if you feel good then it will show, your husband will notice and maybe give himself a good shake.

I hope it all works out for you.

ps buy yourself some flowers - men never do and it makes me feel great just to treat myself (only 1.99 in tescos!)

:)

also tell your husband every now and again that he looks good in a top, or that he smells nice. Boost his ego too...

Answer 7

This is not uncommon. Sad, but true. You two need to really, really talk things over. You need to let him read what you wrote to get things started. You need to spend time alone together. It doesn't need to cost alot to do things like just a walk in the mall, a drive around looking at Christmas lights. People don't appreciate how important it is to recapture the feelings that they had for each other before they got married. Now things are tough, boring, hard and uninteresting. Do something out of the ordinary--just for him. Write him a love letter, focus on him, dress up for 'him', and he will come around. One thing at a time, and soon enough it will fall into place.....unless you think that there might be another person in the background??? If you love him, and he hasn't given you a reason to worry--then truly, spend some one on one time together and give it a go. good luck.

Answer 8

This is bit of a cliche but you really must sit down with each other and spill out what each of you is REALLY thinking about life and your relationship and the problems that each of you has with everything. This will likely be painful, maybe cathartic, but better get it all said now rather than have bitter undercurrents slowly eroding your relationship. It is the only way you are going to move forward, and you owe it to your children to do this. You mention money is a problem and it could be that this subject is stopping you moving forward. Your husband probably feels it is his responsibility to ensure your financial stability, therefore he feels under pressure when you bring it up, it reduces his self esteem. So he reacts to defend himself and refuses to discuss it. Try to start talking about issue that isn't about money, once you have both opened up a bit then it will be easier to discuss the harder issues. Just try and keep your discussion calm and avoid trying to score points. Good Luck.

Answer 9

Whoever told you marriage and a family life was easy LIED to you.

I am married with children and find that Your ALWAYS going to have problems done the road. Whether financial, emotional, stressfull or pshycological...(beleive me...they will come.) You just have to put one foot in front of the other and lead yourself out of any situation. My philosy is: you really don't learn life's expectancies until you have experienced, mastered on how to deal with, and able to get yourself out of any situation. After all learning is experiencing.

I think right now you may be feeling lonely..and you are feeling ignored. It is not the finances that is truely bothering you...

Men are ALWAYS thinking of having FUN...women are always thinking of LIFE...

Try what I do:
Although there are times when my husbands idea of fun is not mine and we have little money to have fun...we try to spend time with eachother...Marriage is sacrafice and that is something you two must do to make your marriage last.
Make a lunch and take the kids to the park...this does not cost a whole lot of money...this will allow time for the kids to play and you two to talk to one another...LEAVE THE HOME LIFE AND PROBLEMS AT HOME!

In time you will find out the reason you both got married in the first place!

God Bless you and Good luck : )

Answer 10

Daemyon99 might have a point although i dont particularly like the way his answer is phrased.

Try and see if you can fix the sex issue first - you are just as stressed and tired as him, more so probably but men tend to put their head in the sand over such things and then when some woman offers it on a plate off they go to pastures new! So instead of nagging him about money and good loan rates, try the non-nag approach! Be as welcoming as you can to him, make yourself look as good as possible and make sexual advances to him. Yes, its not nice if he rejects you - and dont do it when he's watching football or something! - but try and make the effort. I dont mean just as a one off either! And try and bring some new ideas into the bedroom.Maybe buy a toy - and then ask him to suggest something new next time.

Only when you have rediscovered your intimacy, can you then try and work on the other issues.

Good luck.

Answer 11

I've been where you are now. Money was so tight in my house that I used to go hungry so the kids could be fed but my husband always money for tobacco [he was much calmer after a ***]. I used to work out every penny we had and managed to get along somehow. But my husband left all the money worries to me as he was useless in that dept. Fun in our house meant going out on my birthday, his birthday and our wedding anniversary. And that had to be budgeted for too. Just do the better rate loan stuff, see if you're eligable for any work credits, tax credits, rebates in your council tax and then present him with the paperwork to sign. If he refuses to still do anything, take a deep breath and tell him to move out while you sort things on your own. You can't go on with all this worry on your own shoulders and him no help so get rid of one problem [him] then sort the rest out. It's not easy but sometimes you have to frighten the buggers into realising that there is a problem and burying their head in the sand won't make it go away. I used the tactic of feeding my kids things on toast for a few days [it didn't hurt them to feel hungry for a while] and nothing for my husband when he came in from work. He went mad, of course, but I just said there was no money left in the kitty for food after the debts had been paid so he gave over his bit of money he had [not a lot but enough] and I went the shop to get him something. He also realised the state of the problem when I cancelled the d/d for the mortgage one month so I could pay about 6 bills and we had a nasty letter off the b/society. We had massive rows about things but he came to see that, although I'm clever with money, I wasn't a magician who could magick it up from somewhere. So you write your budget lists, you take control of ALL the money, you give him pocket money and NO more and maybe it will work out. If it doesn't, get in touch with one of the agencys the govt. has set up to help people in your plight. I wish you all the best in this, it's not easy, but do the best you can and what you know is the right thing to do. Mental breakdown is not a pretty thing and it sounds like the stress is getting too much for you. Be strong, take over the finacial reins, put your foot down and lose your temper only at the very last. Good luck.