Why doesn't my husband want me sexually like in the beginning?

Question

We have been happily married for 15 years, and now he shows little to no interest in me no matter what I try and I have lost 120lbs
and when we are intimate it's the same old thing!

Answer 1

Congratulations on the dramatic weight loss!!!!!

My guess is that your husband is probably feeling a little left out. What guy wouldn't, if you devoted that much energy into your weightloss. Especially if he's used to you paying more attention to him. Or maybe he is like most guys that have been married for a long time.....

When we are together for a long time, we sometimes forget to keep flirting, dating, and making the extra effort to treat our partners like out #1 choice.

We sometimes tend to get a little self-absorbed with our own problems, obligations, and responsiblities. We forget to actively try to fulfill out partner. We assume that out mere presence fulfills them, that since we are there, then they should feel loved.

When a new hobby, child, project, or habit moves in (in this case, your weightloss) then sometimes they feel slighted. We forget that our perception of something is not exactly out partner's intent. We react before giving them a chance to clarify their intent. We assume that they meant something rather than just asking them.

And sometimes we forget to pursue them like we did when the relationship was new. When a relationship is new, our bodies go into overproduction of certain feel-good chemicals (adrenaline, dopamine, norepenepherine, endorphins, etc) and we feel that rush........which usually lasts for about 36 months, unless we take measures to stimulate those chemicals to be produced.

After 36 months, that chemical overproduction usually subsides making way for new chemicals that promote long-term acceptance and comfort. Kind of the way our metabolisms slow down by age 30, and we need to make extra effort to stay the same size and shape.

This is when it starts to take longer for our bodies to respond to each other, and we may even thing the fire is gone, or that we are no longer in love. Big Mistake!

Sometimes, when one partner makes extra effort to take care of themselves or look good, then the other partner feels threatened, insecure, like they should be improving themselves, too (but they lack the motivation to). It's like pulling the rug out from under them, once they got comfortable with the way things were.

Your best bet is to not go tell him how you feel, but to change your behavior. guys are not socialized to talk about feelings, and often don't know how they feel. Guys are more actions-oriented. If you change your behavior, then he will automatically respond differently to you.

Remember his ego needs. We all want the same things from others, but guys especially are sensitive to things they would never ask us for or tell us about.

Remember to appreciate him, to respect him, to challenge him, to admire him, to need him, to pursue him, flirt with him, treat him like you think he's sexy and deirable, that he is skilled and powerful, and sought after. Treat him like your #1 choice, and that you are lucky that he loves you. Do this daily. Give this freely, without exception or conditions. Even when he's a crabass, take the high road, and love him anyway.

Try to walk in his shoes. Tell him how you think he must be feeling once in a while. Even if you're wrong, just guess how you would feel if you were him. It shows him you are aboe to see beyone your own perspective. Seek to understand before expecting to be understood. This is how you teach him how to treat you. He learns how to do the same with you. You inspire him to act differently by modifying your own behavior.

He might possibly be feeling intimidated by your drive and your success, and maybe a little inadequate or emasculated. Let him know that he's the man.

It would be self-defeating to let your self-worth be determined by his approval. Don't change yourself too much to try to please him. Make him come to you with what he needs, and be willing to give it to him. Chances are he just wants to be the man, to be powerful, attractive, and sought after. He might be missing that new-relationship-chemical-rush.

Maybe you could mix things up a bit, sexually. Go "parking" sometime and surprise him with a bj, or try role playing. Learn to talk dirty and tell him what you want to do to him, or him to you. Learn to write erotic stories and email him, but never finish the story, but rather end with "your turn" and let him continue where you left off, and send it back to you......(this is really fun and in doing so, you will probably start reacting physically while you are writing).

Whatever you do, if you are going out of your way to accommodate him, then you must ask for something in return. A favor for a favor. Guys get turned off when they can control their woman, when their woman doesn't challenge them or ask for something....

Tell him you'll do the dishes if he goes down on you....

You will do fine here. Just share your perception with him, ask him what he really means, and ask him what he wants. Then be willing to give it to him. Ask him to do you a favor once in a while, and tell him how he can take care of you. Guys love it when they know that they can accomplish a goal, especially if you put the dots really close together and tell them what it would take.

Take care of yourself and know that this is ALL fixable!

Answer 2

I don't think that is all he wants, but that is all he gets most of the time. Between the 3 kids, the house, him working on the road all week, which makes him unavailable at home to help with responsibilities, me working full time, wrestling practice 3 nights a week for our son, basketball practice and games with our middle daughter, basketball and cheer leading for the oldest daughter, laundry, school work, cooking, etc.....(you get the picture) just being available for him is all I have left to offer sometimes. Sorry to be so busy raising kids and taking care of my family! Not saying that we never get to have a night just the two of us where there are fireworks in the bedroom, but most of the time, responsibility and total exhaustion gets in the way and I give it up "half assed" simply because he wants it.

Answer 3

Exactly, it's the same old thing.....let me guess....kissing, touching until things are primed and ready, man on top for a while, then from behind and then it's over?

Try this, next time you go out someplace, try to park in a parking garage and make sure you wear a dress. You sit on the hood of the car with him in front of you. The thought of getting caught gets my girl really hot. And if anyone comes by, just "stop and hold it inside" until they leave and then you can continue.

You'd be surprised, from the side, it will look like you two could just be kissing when in all reality much more action is going on.

Best of luck.

Answer 4

You can ignore all the "Just sit him down and have a talk with him" advice.

That will be an even bigger turn off.

Guys dont like that, especially about certain issues.

The problem is that you guys have been doing it for 15years and it isn't new.

For guys to get that rock hard on, it has to be new and stimulating. You can never be new and stumulating again.

Sorry, thats just the fact.

That said, you can work on ways to get him hard but it will require you to change him psychologically. A new pair of pink underwear wont do it.

Answer 5

I have recently had a conversation with my husband about this very thing. He says he's tired from work and he's just getting older (he's 48) and not feeling the need as often. He also smokes heavily, and I think that probably has something to do with it. No matter what I do, he doesn't get turned on. I've told him it hurts my self-esteem when he doesn't respond at all to my efforts, but he's just plain not interested. I'm trying to come to terms with that, and have resigned myself to living with very little intimacy.

Answer 6

Congratulations on yor 15 year marriage.Now to your issue. I would first you not assume that he has no interest in you. Depending on your ages, he may be going through a change of life.In this case, his need for sex and his drive for sex have both decreased. The fact that he has not explained this to you odes not mean that's not the case. Often, men are embarrassed when they can't perform like they used to and the women, who is sometimes in the blind about the matter, makes the mistake of thinking that it is them and all that is needed is "sexier" under garments.
I think the real answer to your problem is a candid conversation with him regarding this issue after you have gone on line and read about things like "male menopause," "erectile dysfunction," " change of life or mid-life crisis in men" and anything else you see as necessary to understand probable causes of his lack of interest.
As to the intimacy being the same, I think that perhaps in your converation you can discuss ways that are mutually of interest to you both.

Answer 7

It has become routine. Take all these suggestions, talk to HIM, buy some new underware, find out if he liked you heavier. Buy some toys, try something new in the bedroom, try it in the kitchen. Not on the table or counter though, you put your food there. Get a book, rent a video, show up on his lunch hour and give him a blow j o b.

Answer 8

Try sitting on his lad after you get on your sexiest nighty on. Also try touching his back when your at the sink. He may be bored...I also suggest going out and buying the book called "The Joy of Sex" It's a low rated book you can find at most bookstores. Then take it home and let him catch you reading it. That way he knows you are looking for ways to turn him on. The anticipation will drive him crazy. You can also try hopping in on his showers and bathing him with the soap...everyhere...if he's not rock hard by the end of that then just get on your knees and help him out, but you probably won't have to. Good luck.

Answer 9

I'm really not trying to be rude, but maybe it's how you treat him outside the bedroom that is the problem. Do you listen to him? Pay attention to his feelings? Make him feel like you appreciate what he does for you? You might, you might not, a man loses interest where he does not think he's appreciated. Sorry you are having this issue, but ask those questions of yourself too, not just about what's wrong with him.

Answer 10

Have you tried asking him why? Try marking the time you have sex with him on a calendar and then wait a couple of weeks and ask him when was the last time you two had sex. Just to see if he remembers or if he's seeing some one else. And you could try telling him what you want out of sex.

Answer 11

Oh my gosh! Good for you! That is a tremendous accomplishment...about your husband...do you ever spend time away from the kids? Maybe you are more Mommy and Daddy than husband and wife. Maybe you two just need some adult time...and possibly role playing? Just a suggestion...good luck and congrats on your new body!