How do you deal with a husband who is so depressed he could care less about anyone?

Question

I have been married to my husband 11 years. It is not going really good. I am a kind hearted women who doesnt like to hurt peoples feelings. But Im really tired and worn out and not happy! What do I do? Does anyone have any serious honest opinions to help me? Do you feel it that I should move on with my life? please help me.

Answer 1

I have been going through the same thing with my husband of 7 years. Every year from October through January, he shuts down emotionally. He says it's because he hates the holidays. But every year we go through the same pattern of emotional withdrawal from him, which results in my emotional withdrawal as well. I've always felt that this was a sort of depression. I've asked him about it, I've told him how it makes me feel (lonely, sad, tired, unhappy, unloved, unvalued, depressed, etc.), but he says he can't help it, and doesn't think it's depression.
We've gone to a marriage counselor, and she basically told us that I need to take care of my own needs and let him just go through it...that he'll come around in January. To me this is unacceptable and has an adverse affect on our marriage. I've tried that approach (getting my "fill" of companionship through friends and family), but it is not the same as getting the love from your husband.
I don't feel I've really given you any hard and fast advice here, but I though sharing my feelings and experience might help. I think the bottom line is that you need to take care of you, but at the same time TRY to help your husband with his illness. Talk to him, tell him how it makes you feel, how it is affecting your relationship, and be honest by telling him that you're considering leaving the marriage. I think all you can do is lay everything out on the table, be true to your needs while also recognizing that he has an illness. If you really think that he cares less about you, maybe you should ask yourself what kind of marriage you'd be losing if you walked away. That is not an easy thing to face (I know, I've been asking myself the same question), but sometimes "the things that do not kill us, make us stronger". Best wishes. I'd like to hear what your decision is.

Answer 2

There are some drugs that can help in the short term, but long term drug's are of no real help, Being happy is a choice we all make everyday, a lot of depressed people "men" in-particular seem to think that happiness is an automatic thing. To say that he needs to buck up, would not be fair. But he does need to find the small things that make him smile, he can change his attitude and his marriage all for the better. But there is Little you can do but to let him know that it is affecting you and your marriage. He should stay away from alcohol, and other depressants. He needs to refocus his daily habits, try getting up a little earlier, an spend 15 min to a half hour each night, alone doing what ever he chooses. He will not feel so smothered, and no matter how much time he spends away from home "working", he needs to pick a choir one for each day of the week to get done at home. No matter how big or small, something that contributes to yours and his daily life, where the reward of accomplishment is immediate. There will be times that thing's slip a bit,,,but over time they do work.

Answer 3

If you've been married for 11 years, you know that you need to try to save your marriage before you bail out on it. You indicate that your husband is depressed. Well, in your vows you said something about "in sickness and in health." So, before you quit your marriage, you really need to try to get your husband some medical help. Depression is curable if he has the right doctor and medications. Talk to your husband about your unhappiness and his own. Tell him you feel he is clinically depressed and that it's an illness. You'd like to help. If he won't go to a medical doctor, try a marriage counselor (who will probably suggest a medical doctor), and see if he'll go there with you. If he weren't depressed, could you two light a new spark in your marriage? Well, it's worth a try. I think trying would be my first instinct. Divorce would be my last resort if nothing works. You do deserve to be happy, but so does your husband, and if he's too depressed to know what to do, you need to help him. Good luck!

Answer 4

I think that if things dont get any better soon then you should get a divorce and move on. Why stay married to someone that is unhappy and doesnt make you feel like you are the most important thing to him either he gets help for his depression and try to make whats left of your marriage better or find someone who will make you feel more alive.

Answer 5

When I was married I went through a depression when I thought my business wasn't going to make it. My wife was there for me and supported me. But she also told me that my actions were affecting everyone and I needed to "man up" and deal with things. She told me that I was endanger of losing her if I didn't. It helped me. I dealt with things, business is great now, etc. But some ppl need meds to go through depression.

Answer 6

Help him get the help he needs for his depression! Depression is a serious medical problem. Remember the "in sickness and in health" part of your wedding vows? Well, put on your boots and gloves and get to work, honey!

Answer 7

Make him some dinner and open a bottle of wine and see how he responds...if he still acts weird take him to the doctor

Answer 8

Yes, move on or you are going to waste your life with someone who doesnt care about you or anything else. You could give him an ultimatium and tell him he needs to get help by xx date and if he doesn't then you are going to leave. Maybe he just needs something like that to kick his butt into gear.

Answer 9

Honey you need to get him professional help. they make meds fore depression. Pray for the Lord to help him and your self. you can get help. you just ask and you will find.The Lord be with you all.

Answer 10

if you truly loved him i dont think you would be considering leaving him when he needs you the most. sometimes you have to put other people first when you love them and put your own selfishness aside.