How do I tell my Mother-in-law I don't want to go?

Question

My husband and I have recently separated. Emotions are still quite high and I am not ready to sort out what kind of relationship I will have with his family yet.

Every year at this time, my Mother-in-law and her husband take our kids out for a holiday "date" (over-night, dinner and a movie, etc). This year she has decided to invite me along, too.

How can I tell her that I don't want to go, but the kids would?

P.S. My relationship with the in-laws has always been very superficial. I have always gotten the feeling from them that they only want to hear about happy things. Whenever I would bring up any struggles, they brush me off and change the subject.

Answer 1

The kids are so excited to go with you tonight, thank you for doing this. However, I don't feel that I am ready to be with the family just yet. I am still working on sorting out feelings from the separtation. Frankly, I don't feel that I would be great company tonight. Thank you for the invitation but; I'll have to pass.

Answer 2

You said separated, not divorced. I think the reason why your relationship is superficial with the in-laws because it was just a naturally slow developing relationship, I'm sure in time, with more family visits it would have become more like a real friendship after everyone got to really got to know each other.

Unfortunately the marriage started breaking up before you got to that point. It is possible that the in-laws are trying to make more of an effort to get to know you. After all, you are the mother of their grandchildren and they still want to see them if you do get a divorce.

Are your in-laws religious? The fact that they change the subject or brush off negative news about the marriage lead my to believe they're the type of people that "don't believe in divorce" and are trying to delude themselves into thinking that your going to stay together. They might have invited you so they'd have a chance to talk you into "trying to make it work" with your husband.

You'll have to excuse my parania, I have a thing against manipulative religious types. I'm not saying that your in-laws are, they just sound like that to me. Don't let that taint your feelings about them.

If they're not overly religious, maybe you should go, and try to build on that relationship. Like I said, maybe they're trying to make more of an effort because they thought there would be more time. They are still family-by-blood and you are connected to them through your children. It is just a once a year thing, so you won't have many chances to extablish a good relationship with them. Just tell them your still sorting through things and ask that they not to bring up your husband or about patching things up. During the get-together make regular conversation with them. Talk about the kids and fill them in on all the stuff that has happened since they visited last year. Ask about their interest and really try to get to know them.

If you're really dead set on not going, decline nicely. Tell them the truth, that you still have things to sort through and you don't feel comfortable going with them. Tell them the kids want to go with them, that they should still spend time with their grandchildren, and maybe all of you can plan somthing for the next visit.

Answer 3

It is best not to get involved in the squabbles of married couples, even if they are your kids. You can't do anything to help without unwelcome interference and you are being asked to take sides. The opportunity to make enemies for life by saying something wrong or stupid is like 1000 to 1. Don't hold it against them for not wanting to hear about your dirty laundry.

I think it is great that Grandma and Grandpa wants to take the kids out. I think it is good that you were invited to come along. Since your heart isn't in it, I think you should tell them that you think it is a great idea for them to take the kids. I would also tell them that you were looking forward to some alone time for reflection and that it would be a good opportunity to for them to get some alone time with the kids also.

Answer 4

I think that your in laws brushed off the struggles because they did not want to get over involved in your and their son's marriage. A wise decision. They didn't want to possibly have to take sides.

Send the kids. I am sure they want to see the grandparents and possibly their father. Politely decline on your own part . They will understand.

Answer 5

They are probably inviting you to see if you need any help. You should go and make sure you keep on a brave face. They could also be checking to see if they need to keep the kids. You really don't want to send the kids on thier own and let them give thier ideas of what's going on with you. Remember, look like your happy and everything is fine. The decision you guys made to split has been made...show them you are dealing with it as an adult.

Answer 6

Be honest with your Mother-in-law. She really is not going to want to hear about the struggles or arguments between you and her son. No one wants to hear bad things about their child no matter how old they are, but you need to be honest about what is going on with you. Can you be honest with her about your feelings or tell her your not feeling up to it right now because things are to fresh, but her relationship with grandchildren is something special no matter what happens with you and you husband.

Answer 7

I think that you should do what feels right for you. If you do not want to go; politely decline by stating that you have a prior engagement but the children are excited and can't wait for the date.

Answer 8

You need to tell her the truth, just as you stated it above, You will not be attending, however, the children are looking forward to attending. You don't have to give her an explanation, since she isn't going to want to hear it anyway. And if she cuts you off, just very bluntly tell her you are not going to be attending. And hopefully she will not hold it against the children and not take them. good luck to you and God bless****

Answer 9

Tell her you were planing on her to take the kids,so you made other plans to go out with your friends to celebrate the holiday season and even go shopping

Answer 10

Well, first of all you have to honest and let them know you dont want to go or dont feel like it. If it is to hard and brings up the wrong memories than stay home. Maybe when they have the time to listen to your feelings and know how you are doing then maybe you would feel like trying it.