Please Help! Need advice about leaving abusive husband.?

Question

I am preparing my getaway plan to leave my abusive husband of 12 years. I am taking my 2 chidren 6 and 4 with me over my mom's while I get on my feet. I am unemployed & looking and I have job skills. Should I be concerned about taking the big things with me because I don't want to have to come back. He hasn't been physical in years but he intimidates me with the verbal and mental abuse hollering in my face, calling me names, shaming me). He threw away all of the clothes he had bought me and now I don't have much to wear. My mom bought me some outfits and boots. He has taken all the money out of our joint account and opened a new one. He doesn't know I have access to it. He has about $950 in there and he makes about $900 a week and gives me about $60 a week if that. Our mtg is 7 months behind yet he orders from ebay and tells me to go over my mom's and leave him the f alone. Should I take money out of bank for us? He says he won't give me anything until the courts make him.

He tells me I'm worthless and I am a bad mother( especially if the kids make ANY noise whatsoever). I just feel so bad that this is my life. I f I leave things here I htink that he'll destroy them. Should I get a restraining order also?

Answer 1

HI, I know what you are going through. Been there myself. And I lost my sister to a man who didnt want to let go, and he shot and killed her. He was under a restraining order when he shot her in the heart, leaving two beautiful daughters without their mother, and sisters and a mother greiving for life. Please I could not save her but I beg of you don't expect the law to protect you. Go somewhere in another town. Do not let anyone but your parents know where you are. The domestic womens shelter in your town or the ywca will help you. If your name is on the bank account get all the money you can, and put the domestic restraining order on him and get as far away as you can. When you go to court for it, call ahead and ask that you be allowed to stay in a closed room with a advocate from the domestic womens shelter until your case is called. Go early so you don't run into him. And ask that he be held there in a room till you leave when it is over. They will not offer it but you may request it. The legal aid office will not charge for a divorce when a restraining order is affect. Use the lawyers there for their help. It is most important to not underestimate the affect of this on him. If he is unstable you and the children are not safe. DO NOT TRUST HIM.... Try to think about the future. The ymca also has clothes they give you to go and look for a job. Let your family help you, they love you and will stand by you. I will pray that my sister Kay will watch over you and help guide you... Much luck.

Answer 2

I am hesitant to answer about the bank account. I am divorced and the day my husband left me for some other woman, I cleaned out the bank account because i didnt know when we would get any more. ( i have three kids. I hadnt worked in six years, i was a stay at home mom with no car. I had no personal money.)I want to say yes, take it all, but you have to ask yourself, what will he do for retribution? If you think that he will just make idle threats, take everything NOW and put it in your own bank account. Dont forget to make sure he has NO key to your mother's place, your car, etc. You might want to take out a restraining order also, so that he cannot get within x amount of feet of you; I would personally if someone had been abusive to me.
Go during the day when he will be at work with some friends and take whatever you want; just be prepared to let him have some of it back in the divorce, if he's going to be nasty and demand it. You are going to have to "divide things up" and legally, some of it may be decided to be his.
Question; is there anyone else you can stay with that he will not know? I think that it would be better if he did not know where you were working, or where you lived.
hang in there. I will pray for you.

Answer 3

If the "big things" are the pc and the hard drive, then yes, take it. Because that is probably what you will need the most if you plan to get a job.

Also, you should get off the pc, and on the phone with a women's shelter, or a hotline, because talking to a live person will give a real range of how bad your situation is or is not. for egs...you did not say why he threw your clothes away- or why he switched bank accounts.

Whose fault is it that the mortgage is 7 months behind?

He sounds like a very angry man, and considering that the foreclosure guy comes after a month or two, something over there sounds pretty rotten.


GL!

Answer 4

Yes you should leave. Yes you should get a restraining order. The one thing I would caution is not to go and live with your mom unless it is absolutely necessary. I say this so that you don't bring drama to her doorstep. Maybe there is a relative like a Aunt or Cousin that he is not familiar with that might be willing to help out.Take enough clothes with you and nothing big. Finally contact a lawyer and let him know about your financial situation and pursue the restraining order first and then a divorce if it is necessary. I say this because I don't know the full extent of your husband actions, but maybe he has something wrong mentally and the courts might require some type of evaluation that might help him. But safety first, always!!!

Good Luck and I pray that the decisions you make will be the ones for you and your childrens safety.

Answer 5

What 'big things' are you concerned about? Nothing is more important than getting yourself and your children out of an abusive situation. If there are things left behind, don't worry about them. They can be replaced or you can get a court order to allow you to remove them.
Should you take money from his account? Well, the first time you do, you are alerting him that you have access to the account, so think about that carefully.
Do you have a Battered Women's Association where you live? They are a group set up to help women get out of situations such as yours. Often times they have a safe house where you can stay until things get sorted out, you find a job etc, as your husband will most likely expect to find you at your mother's house and will come there looking for you. You don't want him to find you there. If you have no other alternate place to go, notify the police about what is happening, so if you do have a problem with him turning up on your doorstep, they will be prepared. Otherwise it may be regarded as a simple domestic dispute and not given high priority atteniton.
Good luck to you and your children.

Answer 6

You may need to go to a shelter because he knows where your Mom lives he'll show up there I can guarantee it! Yes if your account is a joint account I'd take some of it for you and the kids but not all of it.To take all of the money would only enrage him further.You will be safer in a shelter. You don't have to be all bruised up to go there. He has hit you in the past and he threatens you now, Please go to a shelter for you and your children's sake.
If the mtg.payments are 7 months behind you have as good as lost the house already. Take what ever you can
replace what you can after you and the kids are on your own. Your kids and you safety should be your fir priority right now.

Answer 7

OK.. first congratulate yourself for find the strength to leave. You should not be worried about taking big things at this moment. You can always get police to go over there with you to get your stuff... (after you filed the divorce and have gotten a lawyer). Find a place where you can stay (with your mom or other relatives) and file for a restraining order against him. After you have gotten yourself settled and explained to your kids what is happening between you and their father.. go to therapy. It seem that after 12 years of verbal abuse and some possible physical abuse you might need some help. Find a support group.. allow sometime to heal.. and go through this like a strong fearless woman. Remember you have nothing to lose and a world to gain.... I pray for you and my God Bless you in countless ways

Answer 8

I jus got out of an abusive relationship and was in one before this. I jus left my abuser which was my husband(filing for divorce), but I was lucky - I got an ex parte and kicked him out of the house. If keeping your house is not an option, can you go to your moms house? Can you go to a shelter? An ex parte or restraining order would probally be your best route unless you are sure he will leave you alone. For your protection. I wouldn't worry about the big items at your home. Take what you can and leave. In the divorce you will have the opportunity to get those items back or the judge will split them up. If you can get access to the money - take it all. You are still married and have every right too. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive, it is your time to shine and get your life on track. If you need anything email me, Ill be happy to talk to you. [e-mail]

Answer 9

Only you will know when it is safe to leave. You do not deserve any form of abuse. This is a serious situation, and potentially can be dangerous for you and your children. If he has been physically violent with you in the past, he is like a time-bomb...Be cautious, and leave when you know it is safe. Try to re-locate to a place where he does not know where you are at. Protect yourself with a safety plan. 1) Do not allow yourself to be cornered in a room, especially a kitchen, bathroom, a room where weapons are stored, or rooms without doors or windows. 2) Keep important documents in a safe location. 3) Mentally address escape routes, and where the keys to the vehicle are. If you do not have a vehicle and cannot safely drive...go to a neighbors house or PUBLIC PLACE. 4) After talking on the phone, call a local business in your area to make your calls untraceable. If he gets the phone bill, all of your calls to domestic abuse hot-lines will not be listed. (When it is safe for you to leave, the number below will get you in contact with local assistance). 5) If you write this number down, put your local area code in place of the 800, and put a persons name by it that he is not suspicious of. 6) Open up your own checking account, in your maiden name. 7) Express to your employer, family, and friends that he is to have no contact with you. If he attempts to contact you...document. 8) Keep a camera in your vehicle, if you believe that he is following. I am sorry that you are going through this, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Is monetary value worth your life? Your children do not think that it is. They need you around in their lives. It may be comforting for you to know that if you leave your abusive situation, and obtain a restraining order...the judge may issue the possessions to you. Even if your spouse pays for the vehicle. (or it is in his name). You also have the right to contest a restraining order within 30 days after service.

Answer 10

Hey, I can relate with your story because 15 years ago I was forced to run away from a very abusive husband.He did everyhting yu can imagine and maybe have never imagined. At the end it was a matter of life or death. My daughter was 2 at the moment and I knew that I had to leave if I did not want her to grow with a false notion of what a womans role is. You r protected in so many ways. You do not have to be the one to leave the house.He can say whatever the wind takes. But by law you and your children have the right to those walls. But if you r really in fear for you and your children, honey leave as fast as you can. As soon as your out, get yourself a divorce lawyer so he/she can help you out. Leave the money alone, that will also be taken care of by your lawyer.For now your main priority are you and your babies. The material stuff you can build and acquire on your own if it comes to that. I left with a suitcase in one hand and my daughter in the other and not one day have I regreted my decision.Now I have all I left behind multiplied times 10, a loving caring husband,2 children with him(Mykelle 9, Sean-M 3) and my oldest daughter turns 17 this Monday and graduates from highschool in May .My life really began the day I took that step. I still have painful emotional scars for all he did to me.Whenever I hear a story like yours I go back in time. Please run away from this as fast as your legs can take you.You say he has not been physical in years; do not give him time to get to that with you or/and your kids, it will happen. Give yourself and your children a real chance at love, life and hapiness.Feel free to contact me whenever you need to... Take care and please be safe....Sincerely.. LISA