How do I convince my husband that his drinking is ruining our family?

Question

My husband drinks often and some times so much that he is verbally abusive and throws/breaks things. I have tried to talk to him and ask him to get help, but he insists he doesn't have a problem and that he never intends for that to happen. Right now leaving is not an option and if I did leave I'd feel like I just abandoned him when he actually needs me. He is losing a lot (friends, respect, etc.) but blames it on me (of course) because I put my foot down about some stuff. He also involves his mother in our business which really does make things worse due to her not being able to see the bad in him and having her apron strings in knot. She also gives him Xanax to calm him down, even if he is drunk!!!! I have asked him to just look at what is happening and he refuses and says I am "bitchy" instead of seeing things for what they really are. I am begging for some help with him but nobody will do it because he is an adult. This isn't funny to me so SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY!!!!

I can't leave because I have no money. I have no family in my state so that is out because I have a minor child. If money was no object I would have been gone by now. I don't want to trade one set of problems for being a homeless person with a child. It's bad enough dealing with this on occasion but making my child be homeless and hungry to me is almost worse. And it gives him fuel for child custody by placing me in the position of child endangerment or what not. Not a risk I can take at the moment.

Answer 1

you are not helping him one little bit and i dont mean to sound cruel. You are only enabling him. yes look up enabeling.
As long as he feels he does not have a problem, you are faced with that problem by remaining in the situation.
He wont get help unless you start calling the shots.
I went through this with a son-inlaw living with us. he never had a problem everyone else had the problem.
thing did not change until I stopped enableing him b keeping him and supporting his family. Once I kicked him out and topped paying for his problem, he changed .
let him get out, you stay. He needs aa or something like that.
Dont wish to offend you as alcoholism is a serious disease.
It ruins more lives and families than any of could imagine,
You also could get some help from some of the sub groups of AA in helping you to understand his problem.
He is vry capable of talking someone out of the shirt on their back.
Good luck Gal I mean Good luck. this may take time....ps.mother needs to butt out untie the apron strings and relize her son has a problem..her view is a failure to want to admit her son has a serious problem so she also enables him by taking his side and making it look like everyone else's fault.

Answer 2

Time for a separation. I'm not playing. If you have family or a good girlfriend that will let you stay with them if you help with the bills, I would suggest that you do so.

Here's the deal... You have already tried to help him. I have a feeling that before you lost your patience with him, you were kind about him getting help. There's nothing more that you can do by staying there.

If he is verbally abusive, physical abuse isn't too far behind. Drinking brings out the very worst in some people, and people lose their capability of controlling themselves when they're intoxicated. If that's a chance that you're willing to take, well, take it.

I don't think that you should, though. I would tell him that when he can handle his problems without the aid of a bottle or his mother wiping his asss, you'll come back. You married a MAN, not a BOY who cannot rely on his own self-control to handle his unhappiness.

Answer 3

Tell him to get help/counseling or you will leave...and mean it. You cannot control him, you cannot make him see things your way, but you can put your foot down and let him know if he's not going to be a mature, responsible adult that you will find a life elsewhere.

Why is leaving not an option? It's ALWAYS an option. It sounds like you made all the excuses in your post of things you know you'd be advised to do, and yet still want someone to tell you how to fix your problem.

If you refuse to leave, then at least see if you can find an Al Anon meeting to go to. Spouses and those close to people with drinking problems can get some insight there and maybe learn some coping skills. If you are going to choose to stay in such a miserable situation, you need to learn what you can do to make the best of it...

...but my advice is that if he refused to get help...you get out. You aren't responsible for him...HE is...feel no guilt about "abandoning" him...that's just another excuse you are giving yourself to stay with him...you can't live your life for anyone but yourself...nor should you try...

Answer 4

He is obviously trying to escape something. It sounds like he is having trouble coping with a grown up life (wife, kid(s), career, giving up some things he did when he was younger) You said that you put your foot down on some things. Were these things important to him? Coping with true responsibility can be hard for some guys, especially if they are a mama's boy (which it sounds like he is)
I think it is great that you want to be there for him and help him through this. When he gets better he will really appreciate you for that. So many women nowadays just leave their man at the drop of a hat, it is too bad.
Just tell him you want to be there for him and help him, but if this keeps up you will be unable to stay with him. That may give him a wake up call he needs. If that doesn't work actually leave him for a short break. Also if you have kids ask him to do it for the kids and their well being. I wish you luck and stay supportive but firm.

Answer 5

Dang. Sorry for your troubles and I don't have any good advise. It would help if I knew what 'some stuff' means. Set the video cam up (not hidden) and film him in a rampage. Present it to him when he is sober and if seeing it doesn't make him change, probably nothing will. If the 'some stuff' is the trigger of the rage, maybe you should re-evaluate what you put your foot down about. You didn't say anything about children- no children=cut him loose. If you are trying to change him (other than his drinking)you should take another look at that, too. Good luck!!

Answer 6

I was in the same situations I didn't think I could leave but honey you will never be happy in this lifestyle call your family and ask them for help tell them whats going on I'm sure someone will help you leave him Its not your fault but you could loose your child if your husband gets drunk and gets into a rage its like walking on eggshells I left my husband the next day he begged me back I told him the only way was to get into rehab and AA and the first time he put a bottle to his mouth I would never be back He was drinking a 12 Pack of beer Mon-Thurs. On friday-sunday it was a 5th of barcardi 151 daily Now he has been sober for 4 yrs and they have been the happiest 4 yrs of our 24 yr marriage GOODLUCK PS he isisted he didn't have a drinking problem and he enjoyed drinking and would never quit 3 yrs prior to becoming sober so miracles do happen

Answer 7

My mother suffers from the same problem, i let it drift on and it has competely ruined our family, this was our first thanksgiving where the whole family wasnt together, and i dont want to see anybody go thru the same thing. Talk to him but when hes not drinking, if that doesnt work than talk to him when he is drinking and just ask him what are you doin? Talk to him and make sure he understands your consideration and how much you care, make sure he knows that you care and you wouldnt be doin this if you didnt care and if there is children involved express your concerns for that also. When he does decide to quit drinking, have him drink less and less everyday, if he quits all at once it will make things alot worse, believe me. Everything will work out have faith in yourself.

Answer 8

OK. First, why is leaving not an option? If it's money, there are shelters for women who are abused. There is also your bank account, which he should NOT have access to. Second: He has already abandoned you. He obviously prefers booze, drugs and mommy. He will not change. Don't expect to change him. You can't. If he cared for you at all, his behavior would have changed when he brought it up. You can go to Al-Anon yourself, for help, which you need too. Co-dependency is what it's called. As long as you stay there and allow him to misuse you and drink as he chooses, he will. Please get away from him, for your own sake. Let his mommy deal with him. What he's lost is his fault, not yours, and you need to safeguard yourself. He is out of control and he may hurt you more as time goes on.

Answer 9

explain to him that you love him and we have to address this problem together. your drinking is destroying this family. if we don't get help now I'm leaving until we can solve this. don't threaten him make good on your promise. if you have family that is willing to help you during this time try it. the only way he is going to seek help if he hurts himself or others and the judge orders it tell him you will be there with him every step of the way. and he won't be alone. i will pray with you and your family in getting him to seek help for his addiction.

*you ask for suggestions, and you shoot them down. if he winds up in prison, or god forbids dead, where will you be.you need to go to al-anon like some did suggest, because you want to help but you don't. there are places where they will help you. believe it or not this is a form of abuse, it may turn physical one day. you have to make choices for you and your child. i know how it is to be around an alcoholic parent when i was a little girl. with the fighting and the breaking of things,the screaming and crying. i hated it. and my parent loved my mom, me and my sisters enough to get help. so you can't say you don't have any options because you do. its not healthy for anyone. your child especially.so either you have to get off your can and take control of this situation or suffer. again i will pray for you because you need guidance right now.

Answer 10

I have been in your shoes. There is nothing you can do. You need to love him enough to allow him to have to deal with the consequences of his drinking. This means that if he breaks things in a drunken rage, you leave the mess for him to clean up; if he insists on being drunk while visiting friends, you go alone. Are you going to wait until he drags you and your family down with him?