Is this ok for a personal statement? I'm in year 11 and applying for college soon.?

Question

Personal Statement – Kadie Bark

My name Is Kadie Bark, I'm 15 years old and I am currently attending The Sheffield Springs Academy. I'm a friendly, kind and patient person, and I am known to be bubbly and sociable, also I find it very easy to get on with people. I have a range of skills including:

Numeracy
Literacy
Computers
My creative instincts
I'm practical
Hard working
Dependable
I'm a quick learner

I'd say that my biggest strength was probably creative writing/writing to describe as this Is the area that I do better In and I enjoy the most.
My punctuality and attendance has generally been good, but over the past six months or so It has improved greatly and I aim to improve It even more.
I have a really good relationship with teachers and pupils. I get along with most pupils in our school and have never had any trouble In the past. I think my teachers would agree that I am a sensible student who at times can get a little distracted, but is dedicated to completing work/tasks.


My favourite subject In school would have to be English, as I enjoy writing, especially creative, and I love to read also. Another subject that I enjoy is Art, as I like learning new techniques and applying what I have learned to a piece of work.
I have been on a few school trips before, the main one being when a small group of pupils went on a trip to France, Normandy. While we were there we looked into the historical aspects of the city by visiting famous landmarks, such as the Bayeux War Cemetery. I have also taken part In school events such as the annual sports day.


While I was participating In work experience, my job title was 'Nursery Assistant', the tasks which I had to fulfil include watching out for the children's safety at all times, making sure they were never bored and always had something productive to do and helping them settle down If they became upset, etc. The skills I gained from this experience are valuable life skills which will come In very handy In the future. I learned how to act around children, what to do In certain situations. For example If a child was misbehaving, they would have to apologise and have a five minute time out before rejoining the other children.
I think my relationship with both the children and staff was great. The staff never had a problem with how I was working and at the end of my work experience they thanked me for doing such a great job. Also the children were sad to see me leave.
I did not actually get invited back to work at the nursery as If I was to have an official staff position there I would need to have some qualifications. And although I enjoyed my work experience, I don't think I will pursue working In a nursery as a career option.


When I am not at school there are a number of different things that I like to do including socialising with friends, going to the Cinemas, going Bowling, Skating, making promotional graphics for websites, talking to friends online, moderating and posting In forums, etc.
I recently had a part time (Saturday) job at a hair salon, sweeping hair up, making tea, washing the customers hair, but I stepped down as I wanted to spend more time on coursework/revision.
My favourite pass time would probably be socializing, and talking to friends as I feel It Is very important to have a healthy social life.
I am also interested In books and reading. My favourite book Is Guitar Girl by Sarra Manning as I like her quick and witty style of writing. I also enjoy books from Meg Cabot as she has a similar style of writing. The books that I read are mainly teen oriented, but I do like to read other books now and again.


In the future I plan on going to college and taking part in a full time English Literature course and English Language course. Other courses I am interested In taking are Photography, Music, I.T and Health and Social Care.
I have not really made any ambitions yet as I am still trying to work out which career path I want to take. But as I said I am interested in writing, so I may explore that further and pursue a career In that area.
My hopes for the future are that I will have figured out what I want to do In life, and I will have passed all of my chosen courses and I will be happily settled In a well paid job.

Answer 1

Seems pretty good. I wish you would have censored the personal info before posting.

I noticed fulfill seems to be spelled wrong, is the way you have it correct for Canada/UK?

White space also makes things easier to read.
Try to identify some of the longer sentences and make them more bite-sized. People read shorter sentences more thoroughly.

Be more confident in what you say. Try seeing how any sentence with "I think" in it sounds if you remove that phrase.

Do you have to incriminate yourself? I know it's good to be humble, but you really should be tooting your own horn here. Obviously you can't overinflate achievements, but don't call yourself distracted (for example).

Even though I used a parenthetical statement above, don't do it in your submission. It's kind of like saying "ignore the part in parentheses."

Rather than saying that you haven't made a choice yet, I'd just say you are open to several career possibilities if you agree with that.

BTW, everybody wants to pass their classes and be paid well, I don't know if that's worth mentioning.

When you look to the future, don't focus on what you can get, focus on what you hope to contribute.

Answer 2

Year 11 Personal Statement Examples

Answer 3

Cut out anything where you admit weakness, especially the distracted part. Although it makes you sound like a nice person, bubbly has connotations of someone who doesn't know how to shut up and being an airhead, even though you come across as quite intelligent through the rest of the statement, so you might want to remove bubbly and just have sociable. You have to appear confident, but not cocky, so admitting bad points in statements is generally a bad idea.

It's too long, unimportant bits such as the trips you've been on and some of the details on your work experience could be removed too.

Go over the grammar, especially if you're using writing as your main hobby. Your spelling seems fairly good, but always double check it. I'd suggest using the spelling checker in Microsoft Word, if you don't have it at home your school should have it installed. I used to do a lot of writing myself, so I know that people rarely notice their own mistakes and keep making them, myself included.

It might be an idea to see what your teachers have put on your written references if your school sends them out, so you can work around it. Some places will also have people to help you write the statements and check them for you, though that tends to be colleges more than schools I think.

Good luck from someone who's also in the middle of writing his personal statement and also applying for English Language. If I can help any more, click on my name to IM or e-mail me.

Answer 4

This Site Might Help You.

RE:
Is this ok for a personal statement? I'm in year 11 and applying for college soon.?
Personal Statement – Kadie Bark

My name Is Kadie Bark, I'm 15 years old and I am currently attending The Sheffield Springs Academy. I'm a friendly, kind and patient person, and I am known to be bubbly and sociable, also I find it very easy to get on with people. I have a range of...

Answer 5

To be honest I think it is a bit long. There are a lot of bits in it that I would leave out particularly those referring to your admitted lack of attendance! And also the part about how you can be easily distracted. You have to sell yourself and make whoever reads it want to have you at their college.

Instead of talking about what you like to do in your spare time tell them why you want to do the course you are applying for. What made you choose it? Have you done anything in that area before?


Keep what you do in your spare time to a few short lines towards the end. They don't want a total bore after all who does not participate in any clubs etc.

Overall though, it is great the way you have listed your good qualities and the life experiences you have. Just a few little amendments here and there and I think you will have a winner :)

Remember the person reading it will be reading several hundred others so make it short, sweet and to the point. You need to gain their attention with the first few lines.

Wish you lots of luck - you will be great I'm sure :)

Answer 6

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Answer 8

Excellent! A couple of suggestions:

Get rid of capital letters in words like art, cinemas, bowling, skating, photography, etc.
Went on a trip to Normandy, France.
...washing customers' hair...
"I have not really made any ambitions..." - change to "any firm plans" or something similar.

Best of luck in the future!

Answer 9

You need to cut it down. Keep to your strengths and things that will make you sound attractive to the college. You don't want them to get bored reading it. A college will probably be impressed that you actually have taken the time and made the effort to write a personal statement whatever!

Answer 10

Hell no. If you make a list in writing a statement or essay, GAME OVER!!!

Anyway, I would suggest you run spell-check on that, there are many grammar errors. Looking at your usage of "favourite" and that you took a "little" trip to France, am I correct in assuming you're British?

Also, in the personal interests paragraph, do not capitalize anything, and it's "pastime". Especially if your said "biggest strength was probably creative writing/writing to describe as this Is the area that I do better In", don't make any mistake in grammar or things like that, I see multiple errors in that sentence alone.

Also in formatting, use justify to make the statement look nice.